Before we had central H/A installed. I got a call from one of those places that cleans your ductwork.
The very young salesgirl went on and on about this great deal they could give me. Finally, I was able to interrupt her, and tell her I wasn’t interested.
Her: “Can I ask why?”
Me: “We don’t have ductwork.”
Her: “What do you mean?”
Me: “We don’t have central H/A or a furnace.”
Her: “That’s impossible. How can you live without air and heat?”
Me: “We have wall heaters and window air conditioners.”
Her: "Honey, windows aren’t the same thing as air conditioners. It’s just regular air. :rolleyes:
Me: “The air conditioners are IN the windows.”
Her: “Mmm…okay. But I’m sure we can clean the ducts on that kind too.”
Me: click
By any chance was that at the mall in La Crosse? I was attacked by the same lady and before I could say a word she had scrubbed my nail and cuticle with some sort of communal, germ infested, buffer thing. It was gross but my nails sure looked shiny.
My mate Alex comes up with wonderful things to kill off telemarketers.We’ve had ‘I’ve just caught my wife in bed with the milkman’,then the ambulance arriving to take away milkman,then the police arriving to charge him with GBH.All the type,telemarketer bod is hanging on.He sat through a whole episode of EastEnders and phone bod was still at the other end.
And thankyou very much to the bloke with the clipboard in the High Street.I didn’t have time to stop,so I drifted over to the other side of the street.And he followed me across.I was practically inside the shop and still he kept coming.So I then went back across the street and he followed. I do not wish to do a tango with you in the street.I wish to avoid you!!!
(I’ve been a telemarketer bod.The ones who say no thankyou we like.The ones who are abusive get called back again and again.Especially as our phones withheld their number :))
If whatever they’re selling stands on its own, I usually tell them I already have one. (Ha! I tol’ him we already got one!) If it requires something else, like the cellphone gadgets, I tell them I don’t have the required thing. It really confusees them sometimes.
Other fun with not-too-bright salespeople that should’ve known better because they knew my address before they called:
One time a telemarketer from an electric company called, going on and on about how he can promise me 5% lower rates than Big Power Company. He finally stops to take a breath and I say “Wait. What are you selling?”
He repeats his script.
“I don’t have Big Power Company.”
“Well… Er… You have Other Power Company, then? We’re cheaper than them too.”
“No. We get our power from the city’s power company.”
“Umm… Oh, like a co-op?”
“Yes, something like that.” And then I hung up.
Once I got a call from a telemarketer with a mortgage company. I live in an apartment.
“Hi sir, [lists the benefits of the mortgage]. You do own your home, correct?”
“Uh… This is an apartment.”
“[confused silence] Well, uh, have a nice day, then.”
I often have to stifle laughter when a salesgirl at the cosmetics counter starts talking to me about “Botanical Osmolytes” and “Botanical DNA-RNA complexes”. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing in the hands of salespeople. Specially processed botanical oils? Just put your face into a bucket of canola oil!
I don’t get telemarketers (silent number), but I do get door-to-door sales people. My preferred method of dealing with them is to threaten to set the dogs onto them. They usually run away very quickly. Hee hee hee
Max.
The latest gimmick that credit card companies are selling to pump up the profit margin is “identity theft” services. I get at least one call a week from someone trying to sell it to me. I listen politely up to the point where they say how I can get it for “the special promotional rate of $8.95 a month. and can I sign you up right now?” I say “Nope. I can get if for nearly three bucks less.” I hear veins popping in their head and they stammer and ask who can sell it for so little? I tell 'em that I work for BigBankCo, and they go “oh”
Bye!
Oh, and do I subscribe to ID theft protection? Nope. At work, I support the ID theft department.
Oh god, the fingernail thing! No matter which mall I go to in this area I am accosted by the fingernail buffer people. I let them do it once, now I ask “Are you going to sell me the fingernail thing?” They say yes, and I hold up my hand with short, non-manicured nails and chipped polish and tell them that I’m not interested, because I just don’t care enough about my nails to bother with that thing.
Heck, try writing the crap when you’re scientifically literate. In the end, you just grit your teeth and roll your eyes. Basically, you have to mention ingredients and effects as unconnected statements, but arrange them in such a way that unobservant readers will come away associating them in their minds.
What’s interesting is the mental half-disconnection the people in charge of selling the stuff have. It’s like some pavlovian conditioning to believe everything their own PR says about the product, until it comes time for a legal check. We have a cosmetics company as one of our clients, and every ad we produce follows the exact same pattern:
[them, at the briefing] “This new product uses a, b and c to do X, Y and Z!”
[our first draft, paraphrased] “This product uses a, b and c to do X, Y and Z.”
[them, after reading the copy] “Oh, well… uh… we can’t actually say that it does X and Y, and we can’t legally let the copy make a direct connection between Z and a, b or c.”
[or, if we decide to cut out the middleman and go directly to what we think the final copy will end up as] “b-b-but… you didn’t say that it uses a to do X, and b to do Y! or c to do Z! The main focus of this whole ad campaign is that now there’s a product can do these things. It’s the first of it’s kind on the market!” [us] “Really?” [them] “Yes! Use the press releases we’ve given you and stress all the points that they’ve made!”
and then loop back to line 3. Rinse, lather, repeat. I’ll never cease to be amazed at the doublethink these people are capable of.
Vacuum Salesman: Good morning! Can I tell you about Vacuum Cleaner That Costs a Month’s Salary?
Me: No Thanks.
VS: I can assure you that VCTCaMS will vacuum much better than the one that you have…
Me: I don’t have one.
VS: Well, you need one then! Let me show you how VCTCaMS works.
Me: No thanks. I don’t vacuum.
VS: It’ll only take up an entire morning of your time to… wait… YOU DON’T VACUUM?
Me: No
VS: But how do you clean your house?
Me: I don’t. I like living in squalor.
They come back every month or so to sell my neighbours vital attachments for their incredibly expensive vacuum cleaners, but they avoid ringing my doorbell like the plague after that.
p.s. I have a vacuum cleaner, and I do use it occasionally.
'Way back in the dawn of pre-history, circa 1970, I was half-listening to my Dad talking on the phone. I didn’t know who was on the other end of the line, but Dad seemed quite engaged by the conversation. He was saying things like “That’s just fantastic” or “I’d really enjoy seeing that!”. Then I heard him giving directions to our house, “3 miles south of Dodd City, right on the gravel road about 1 & 1/2 miles on the right. You can’t miss it, it’s the only brick house on the road.” And then the conversation apparently ended abroptly, and he hangs up the phone chuckling. So I ask who he had been talking to, and he says “Just some girl selling aluminum siding.”
Something similar to that happened to me 18 months ago or so:
TM (telemarketer): “We can offer you a better long-distance rate than you’re getting with MCI.”
Me: “We don’t use MCI long-distance.”
TM: “Yes you do. It says so right here, and we can save you money on it.”
Me: “We do not use MCI.” I have copies of the phone bill at that desk. It ain’t MCI on the letterhead.
TM: “AT&T?”
Me: “Are you going to keep guessing until you get it right?”
TM: :: pauses, then sees an opening :: “No, I’m going to offer you a better rate on your long-distance.”
Me: “We do not use long-distance.” Or something. ::click::
Gotta love it … “OK, I lied, let me try something else. Buying that?”
Wow, Sublight, that was a gem of a post. Parents can use it to teach their kids how to parse the promo language on packaging or an add. I love the SDMB for moments like this, where you get feedback from someone with insider/expert knowledge of what you’re discussing. For what it’s worth, consider your post an action to help redress the situation.
I can sure empathise with your situation, however. It must be very furstating indeed. Have you considered faking enthousiasm and interest at the initial breifing, and ask tehm how it works, what studies they’ve done to test it, what the results were, etc.? Or would it be considered poor manners to make a client admit there stuff is snake oil and they can only succeed in the market by deceiving customers?
**trupa ** imagines a meeting between Sublight and cosmetics firm… cue harp music…slow wavering disolve…
Sublight, in-best bright-eyed, bushy-tailed mode, breathless with excitment: “Wow, you mean your new cream actually does melt away fat in your thighs? Cool! What’s the biochemical mechanism? Did you have a study? How big was your trial group sample size? Didja have a control group with a placebo? Was it double-blind? You must be so excited. How good was your p-value? , tell me all about it?”
Company rep, annoyed, has a Brooklyn accent, dark suit, wide lapels, looks like Bugsy : Look mac, if I wanted to publish in the New-England Journal, I wouldn’t be here. Can it; and just write your usual spiel…
Any budding playwrights out there imagining other funny outcomes?
I don’t get many telemarketer calls but this was my last one:
TM: Oh hello, I work for [company name], we work with BT to lower your rates.
Me: I see, so you want me to change phone company?
TM: No, we work with BT
Me: Oh I see… well I’m afraid I don’t have a phone
TML Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
TM: Well… bye.
closely related to mall kiosk sales are the survey people. once i was approached by a very prim and proper older lady who wanted to know what kind of toothpaste i used. i told her that i did not use toothpaste. as i walked past, she grabbed my arm and extended her hand to me. “surely you must use some sort of toothpaste!” i gently grasped her hand and spit my upper denture into her palm. “no” i replied, " i do not use toothpaste." i picked my denture up and slipped it back into my mouth and walked away.
that lady still does mall surveys, but will not make eye contact, much less ask me to participate.
