After three years on the Dope, my first full-fledged Pit rant. And boy do they deserve it.
Before I started working at my new job in September, my employers contracted with a data screening company to the tune of $44,000–not a big sum to most places, yes, but a fortune to a non-profit like us. (I don’t want to divulge the nature of the data, as it’s confidential, but it’s a moot point.) When I was interviewed for this job, the employers, now my bosses, told me that the screened data was going to arrive during my first week of employment, and that my first job was going to be to upload the data onto our main database. As you’re reading this rant, remember–we were supposed to upload the data during the first week of September.
Well, when I arrived in town, we were informed that we would have to wait another month for the data–no explanation given. We have since discovered that the first delay was because the service rep the college was dealing with unexpectedly quit, and for good reasons, we hear. After a fair amount of wrangling, the company dispatched a new service rep to present the data to us during the first week of October. During the first delay, we made the fateful decision not to pay the balance of the contract until “we were satisfied.” It’s been the only thing that’s saved our ass.
The first week of October came, and a brand-spanking-new service rep (let’s call him “Bob”) came to present the data. It was clear from the get-go that there were some serious problems with the screening. During the presentation, several officers and the VP came to me asking “What the fuck is going on here?” What was worse, Bob didn’t seem to be able to answer some very basic questions about the screening summary. In fact, Bob didn’t seem to have read over the screening summary at all. After a particularly heated volley of questions, Bob pleaded, “Don’t look at the things that are wrong, look at the things that are right.” Of course, at the time, no one could see anything right with the data. By the by, Bob convinced us to “play around” with the data for a while to see if we were happy.
'Course, we weren’t. I ran batteries of tests on the data, a process which took weeks. I came to the conclusion that, yeah, there were some pretty major problems with the screening, and we weren’t going to upload the data until it was fixed. By this time, the company was sending threatening messages to us demanding the rest of the cash. In response we sent them a several-page report detailing my findings. Their initial response was “So? Where’s our money?” Then, realizing that that tack wasn’t getting them anywhere, they suggested we have a conference call to hash the problems out. But not now, after Christmas. But they did say we didn’t have to pay “until we were satisfied.”
Mid-January, my boss, “Bob,” two company execs and I sat down to a conference call. I started outlining the problems I’d seen. “Well, you have to understand, this is how data screening works, blah blah blah…” I persisted–I won’t go into detail, but I knew there were anomalies in the data that couldn’t be explained by the screening process alone. Finally, they suggested that they could re-run the screening. OK…when can you get that done by? “March,” they said happily. We didn’t have a lot of choice, so we said all right, and sat on our asses for another two months. Meanwhile, we started talking to other clients of this company. Surprise, surprise–they were having similar beefs.
Bad as the six-month delay has been, this last part takes the cake. Bob came in two weeks ago, data disk in hand. “Sorry I’m only going to be here half a day, but if you find any problems, let me know later.” He scooted out the door before the shit could hit the fan. The job they did was atrocious–yes, about half of the problems had been fixed, but they left half of the major problem I had with it unfixed, and Bob claimed it was my responsibility to fix the rest of it! “I’ve shown you how to do it!” he said as he was leaving. Worse, there was a major, major new problem with the data that pretty much left half of it completely unusable.
Conference call #2. I was so concerned about the major new problem I didn’t bother with chewing out Bob for half-fixing the old problem. About that new problem…Bob first claimed, “Oh, that must be because we changed the data alogrithim. It’s no big deal.” No big deal? We lost two-thirds of one of our data sets! “Well, some of our other clients said they had a similar thing happen to them. We don’t think it’s a problem, though.” Really? And this was just a coincidence that this happened to a bunch of your other clients? “I’ll look into it,” said Bob quietly.
So, today, two weeks after the conference call, I got an e-mail from Bob. “I think there is a problem!” he says. “You’re going to have to wait, though. I’ll tell you what went wrong next week. We may have this sorted out by then.” Let’s see now…next week is April. We were supposed to have this data ready to be uploaded by last September. Heck, only seven months behind schedule, for a job that was supposed to take two months! Of course, the data still isn’t completely fixed…but it’s not their problem, is it?
I am wondering how exactly we can be “satisfied” with the company. My suggestion is the following: 1) My boss and the VP should be sent a complimentary gift basket of oranges, lined with $20 bills. 2) I should be sent a voluptuous, mini-skirted secretary with cat’s-eye glasses and bee-stung lips. 3) The company CEO should be forced to wear a sign reading “I AM A FUCKTARD” for the next month. 4) “Bob” should be tied to a post in a local pasture, so that everyone in our office can throw globs of mud and cow chips at him.
Ah, good night, all.