A dear friend (although not a close one, oddly enough) has lost her young adopted son in a car wreck. She is a single mom, and her older just-teenage son is still alive. The funeral is tomorrow, and thoughts about all this are keeping me awake tonight.
We go to the same church, of which she is a “pillar.” I am a new and very doubtful “believer,” as I was raised as an atheist.
The God Stuff doesn’t work well for me, nor does prayer. How can I pray to godz I don’t know or perhaps even acknowledge? Where is the help there?
I truly grieve for the mother, and don’t know how to comfort her or give her solace.
It doesn’t really sound like you can or should try to do much in the way of religion, but you can still let her know you’re thinking of her and her son.
Odds are good that unless you say something really unusual, she won’t remember what you say. She might remember that you were there. That’s enough.
At the funeral, iIf you’re the huggy-type, then hug her and say something like “I’m so sorry for your loss”, give a little squeeze, and take a seat in the congregation. Somewhere at the funeral will probably be a book to sign.
You may want to drop something off at the home…a casserole, covered dish, cake, pie, whatever. If you do either use a disposable container or write your name on masking tape and stick it on the underside of a dish you want back eventually.
If it was it was a drug or alcohol related wreck, and her child was the victim of someone driving under the influence, you might consider a donation in his name to Mothers Against Drunk Driving or some similar organization.
**Oakminster ** said pretty much what I was thinking except for one thing. When my mother passed, the last thing I wanted to hear was “I’m sorry for your loss”. I never knew what to say to that and it made me irrationally angry. I preferred things like “I grieve with you”. Your friend may not have the same aversion so YMMV.
I would strongly recommend referring to her child as her “son” or her “child” - never as her “adopted son/child.” I’m sure you mean well, but the need to make that distinction can seem to imply that the child wasn’t really hers, and somehow the loss is not as great as if she lost a “real” child. I’m sure you don’t mean that at all, so it is better to stay away from language that gives the wrong impression.
I would NEVER refer to her child (directly to her or to anyone else) as “adopted.” I only included that factoid because I personally found it particularly sad that she gave her heart to a completely unknown child, raised him as her own, and then THIS happened.
I have found out, in the obituary posted this morning, that the child is her oldest … he was 28, and sounded like a fine young man (I’ve only met the two younger children). I still know nothing about how the accident occured.
I don’t think I can add to what others have said so I’ll just repeat. Being there for her, a hug, offering to help if needed and letting her know you grieve with her are the best things anyone can do under these circumstances. As others have said, she will probably not remember what you say but will remember you were there. You’re a good friend for being there for her Atomic Mama.
Apologies for responding to this in the open thread,** Atomic Mama**; I wanted to send you a PM instead but you have that option turned off.
I think I speak for most adopted people when I say that this kind of attitude, while well-meaning, is not particularly welcome. All parents give their hearts to an “unknown child” because they have no idea at the time of birth what a bio-kid is going to turn out like. And of course she “raised him as her own” because he WAS her own.
On the whole (there are a few weird exceptions, I’ll grant you that), adoptive parents don’t want accolades because they had such big hearts that they were able to love a child who doesn’t share genetic material with them. They just want to get on with the business of parenting, like everyone else. As for adoptive kids, we do not want to be thought of as charity cases, or worse yet as undesirable because our genes don’t match up with our parents.
And now I must apologize again for mentioning this in your thread. I genuinely believe you had no intention of being offensive and that you don’t really harbor any prejudicial notions about adopted families. Just take it from an adoptee - the best way to demonstrate that lack of prejudice is by treating adopted kids and their parents exactly the same as everyone else, including in your use of language.
I’ll second CairoCarol’s post, not to pile on or scold, but so everyone knows.
Adopted kids are just kids. The only person in my family to ever bring up my adopted status was me. A parent’s sense of loss is equal for bio and adopted kids; it’s just a non-issue.
Good on you for being supportive. God didn’t make you that way. You and your folks did.
And if you should learn of a cause important to her, a donation in his name to them couldn’t hurt IMHO.
My suggestion for the spiritual questions is to ask your local/personal pastor or an elder at your church. Or even just someone you really know and trust. I wouldn’t ask a message board for advice on that part, even a Christian message board.
it may not be too late…get your friend, to get at least one other godly believer, and pray that god will resurrect the boy.
here is proof:
Matthew 18:19 Jesus says:
Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
Mark 9:23:
All things are possible to him who believes.
Matthew 17:20 :
For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.
Matthew 21:21:
I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Mark 11:24:
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Atomic Mama, just be there. You don’t need to be her spiritual adviser at this time, just a friend, a shoulder, maybe a provider of sustenance and handkerchiefs. This is not to trivialize her suffering, but you can’t take that away: all you can do is be a living human friend for her.
When I was in highschool, a boy in my grade committed suicide. This provoked a teacher to talk about how she lost her husband. She said one of the hardest things was that people said niceties, but would then either try to avoid the subject, or act like she shouldn’t talk about him/ how she felt.
I thought that made a lot of sense. Maybe something you should keep in mind?
That’s what we did. My wonderful husband and I went to the funeral and cried with mom and the large extended family that had gathered. I gave hugs and tears, and we will be taking plenty of food over later today.
The funeral was held at the UCC church we attend; the service was both Christian AND Buddhist. I mention this because, for me, it’s totally appropriate to do so.
