Newly Unearthed Time Capsule Just Full Of Useless Old Crap
ATCHISON, KS—A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of Atchison, KS, Tuesday, when a 60-year-old time capsule unearthed from the site of a demolished library was found to contain a bunch of useless old crap.
“What were the people who buried this thing thinking?” asked Atchison mayor Donald Kirschwald, following a capsule-opening ceremony at Atchison Town Hall. “None of this stuff is worth a red cent. It’s all a bunch of stupid, worthless junk: newspapers, photographs, children’s toys, sheet music, a pen knife, an iron and some rusty kitchen appliances. Big deal.”
…
Though the capsule also bore the instructions, “Not to be unsealed until 2939 A.D.,” civic leaders decided it should be opened as soon as possible. “Everyone was very excited about the capsule,” Kirschwald said. "We thought, ‘What if it contains gold? Or pirate treasure? Or a deed to a diamond mine?’
…
Local residents conjectured that it contained everything from solid-gold Egyptian tomb idols to the British crown jewels to vials of pure uranium.
full article here
My absolute favorite:
NASA Baffled by Failure of Straw Shuttle
“The straw ship was dry, light-weight and well-bailed enough to break the earth’s orbit, but inexplicably burst into flames when ignited with 3,000 gallons of rocket fuel,” said NASA Chief Engineer George Toshikima.
Makes me laugh until I snort everytime I read it.
Spiff
June 30, 2009, 6:48pm
43
You reminded me of this one:
Ramones reunion nearly complete
Runestar:
I always loved the horoscopes.
My favorite was the horoscope “correction” they once published. “Last week’s horoscope was incorrect. The line ‘tall, dark stranger’ should actually have read ‘enraged lowland gorilla’. We apologize for any inconvenience.”
A have an Onion horoscope on my bulletin board: “Taurus - While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.”
Gozu
June 30, 2009, 7:23pm
46
Thank you for that. I loled.
Runestar:
I always loved the horoscopes.
My favorite was the horoscope “correction” they once published. “Last week’s horoscope was incorrect. The line ‘tall, dark stranger’ should actually have read ‘enraged lowland gorilla’. We apologize for any inconvenience.”
They’re my favorite, too.
I always liked “Patrick Stewart’s Voice Gives Credibility to Advertisement.”
The smartest and funniest Onion piece ever was a brief headline:
Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
The Onion Remembers Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson
LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12…
Amp
June 30, 2009, 9:12pm
52
Unintentionally_Blank:
The Onion Remembers Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson
LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12…
You left out the best part:
The singer leaves behind a large body of hits, 25,000 unopened toys, and nearly $400 million of debt.
If I thought Mother Teresa was as saintly as people say she is, it would be a lot funnier.
I still smile about the seventh tip here .
Much of their best work lately has been in videos, and if Sony Releases New Stupid Peice of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work doesn’t make you laugh, you’ve never bought anything electronic.
Their videos are fantastic - well-produced mimicry of real news in a variety of formats
A great one:DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear Attack
Or, for sports/NCAA fanatics
NCAA Expands March Madness to Include 4,096 Teams
TJVM
July 1, 2009, 1:33am
57
This is not kosher. There are other threads for this.
sjc
July 1, 2009, 4:08am
59
My favorite was the headline: “Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game”