On the other hand, if that last skill had been “Can fit entire wedding ring in right nostril” he’d’ve been a shoe-in!!
This one’s a play on the old Douglas Adams quote. “I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”
I would have been inclined to give the guy an interview based on that line alone. 
I never saw the final result, but I once worked for a school district. One day at the mall, I saw a member of our Board of Education leaving Glamour Shots. She said she was having pictures done to send with her resumes. I wish I’d thought to ask just what job she was looking for!
Ha! Thanks for IDing that.
I am a software development manager and I would have hired that guy in a second.
When my wife and I owned a frozen yogurt shop a few years ago. Our labor base was mostly high school aged kids, and I was consistently impressed by how bright and conscientious all of the kids we hired were. Don’t believe everything you hear about “kids these days”, it’s no more true now than it was when you were their age (probably less so, at least in my case).
That’s not to say we didn’t get some real “winners” with some of the applications. We got an application from a kid who had previously worked at a Circle K. Among his duties was to stock shelves. He misspelled “Circle” (cirkel or some such, as I recall). He misspelled “stock” (stok).
He got “K” right, in case you were wondering…
We had another one who had a long list of previous employers, all of whom had fired him for one reason or another. He was perfectly honest about the reasons (showed up late, etc.). My favorite was when he said he was let go from a pizza place because “someone was rude to me on the phone, so I was rude back and they fired me”. I wanted to bring him in for an interview, just for the humor value of it, but my wife passed.
A young lady who applied for a secretarial position made an interesting entry under ‘Skills’ on the application: plays the trombone. I needed a few minutes to stop laughing before asking her to step in for an interview. As Foghorn Leghorn put it-Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 
I understand the type of diploma mills you’re talking about, but to be completely fair my co-worker is getting a CJ degree (from a real university) along with a double major in Psychology. Her goal is graduate school to study Forensic Psychology and later work in court advocacy or social work. She would be heartbroken to know that employers will consider her degree to be the refuge of the stupid.
But she’d be in a field for which it DOES apply, specially paired with a Psych double-major and the respectable university. She’d be cool with those employers.
Since I am not in the US (or the English Speaking World), “Languages” is a requirement on CV’s here. Which languages do you know, and at what level
My entry:
(It works out much better in Hebrew, but you get the idea. Oh, there was an entry for my (high-school level) French as well, but that isn’t funny, so pardon my [leaving out the] French… :p)
(And yes, my mother DID grow up in the US).
Dani
JayElle she’s actually wanting to use her CJ degree. See that combined with the Psych double and the master’s in Froensic Psych makes sense. A CJ degree makes no sense in my field which provides human services. Just as I know my master’s in Rehabilitation Counseling wouldn’t make sense in, say, Chemical Engineering.
Ah, OK. Thank you for the clarification, swampbear. 
Am I the only jackass who can figure out what “CV” stands for?
Curriculum vitae, which is a fancy-schmancy term for resume.
Gotcha, thanks…is this a common term in certain regions or countries? Can’t say I’ve ever coem across it…surprising considering the considerable amount of time I’ve spent unemployed in my life.
I think its much more common in the UK than in the US.
I confess - I read the thread just to make sure one of my many resumes didn’t pop up.
Here is a cover letter we got recently. I could not believe someone actually expects a response with this type of letter. I have cut out any identifying material. I work for a company that develops security software. This gentleman was applying for a software engineering position we had posted. I especially enjoy the part when he bashes people for their english skills when he has a few grammar and spelling errors in the letter.
Hiring Authority,
I do not feel you are looking for a senior engineer because your focus is on credentials and not on their technical abilities. Someone with 30 years of working with technology is senior engineer. I forgot more then most people know. I was at the start of the PC revolution and even started the year the microprocessor was invented. The ability I bring to an organization is not making costly mistakes. I know technology.
Today’s economy has 19% of the IT work force unemployed. That is over 400,000 IT workers nationwide. If an organization wants to continue the path of the last four years, continuing hiring inexperienced IT staff to manage your data. Do I have to remind you about Arthur Andersen and why?
You will not find many with my ability and if you pass me by because I have made mistakes in my life then hire your outsourced staff for minimum wage. I will say one thing “you are not an American who cares about American’s,” which I would not like working for an organization who manages this way.
I will still service your organization by doing some of your outsourced services. Just tell me the job and how much you are offering to pay. I will decide if it is worth my time. Unless you rather talk to someone in broken English and explain how you want your system to work.
Anyway, If you want a real engineer that solves your business problems call me and ask what technological advancement I can bring to your organization.
So…to be a “fun bar that people would enjoy going to,” I need a sword fighting bartender? :dubious:
For one, sword fighting, and for that matter hula dancing are not what we look for in bartenders. We look for the ability to sling beer, make drinks, control customers (in various states of intoxication), enforce state laws, add in their head, settle disputes, run a cash register, make change, ID people, wash dishes, clean up spills, break up fights, and, as I like to tell my guys, other duties as instructed. For hours at a time. With anywhere from 1-200 people in the place. And if they screw up, at best they get fired, at worst it’s a felony for the bartender and anywhere from $5000 to loss of the Liquor License for the bar. So yeah, sword-fighting isn’t a skill I base hiring on.
Secondly, I am talking about a “fun bar that people would enjoy going to.” We made Stuff Magazine’s Top 20 Dive Bar’s in America. I think we we’re #20, but that’s still top 20. And yes, it’s a Dive, but by god it’s a Damn Fun Dive.
Thirdly, the OP asked for amusing job applications, not reasons for hiring/not hiring anybody. Swordfighter didn’t get hired, but it was (to me) a pretty amusing thing to put on a job app.
And lastly, even though it isn’t necessary, I’ve never done this before and I want to: Hi Opal.
If I’m taking your comment too personally, my apologies.
I just love the arrogant, know-it-alls. When I was a hiring manager, we brought in several people for interviews for our AS400. One of those was a senior type person with the above ego. I passed and brought in a kid who just got out of high school with very little experience. Why? He was much easier to work with and was willing to learn and work with others.
I would much rather train someone, than have the entire office pissed off at the new guy.