How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the “S” from Safe and the “f” from way.
Let the other people say the punchline:
but there’s no f’n (f in ) way 
Theres the one about the duck that walks into the bar and asks for a grilled cheese sandwich. Bartender says they dont serve food, so the duck gets off the stool and leaves. Next day, same thing. Day after that, the duck walks in and asks for a grilled cheese sandwich again. Bartender says, “Look, duck. I told you twice before that we don’t serve food. You come in here again and ask for a grilled cheese sandwich, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor.” Duck says, “fair enough,” and leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in and says, “You got any nails?” Bartender says, “No.” Duck says, “Can I get a grilled cheese sandwich?”
Then there’s the one about the sailor in the unknown port who walks in a bar and sees only one guy sitting there. Looking for some conversation, he sits next to the guy. The guy points out the window and says, “You see that fence out there? I built that fence. Spar by spar, and rail by rail. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, ‘There goes McFadden…the fence builder?’ No! They don’t!” Then the guy points out the other window. There is a beautiful bridge in the distance. He says to the sailor, “You see that bridge out there? I built that bridge. Brick by brick, stone by stone. But when I walk down the street, does anyone say, ‘There goes McFadden, the bridge builder?’ No! They dont!” He stops for a moment, and takes a disgusted swig from his beer. Then he says, “But you fuck one goat…”
My father was a gynacologist. He wanted to be a psychologist, but he wasn’t tall enough.
On holiday in Ireland, a man pops into a bar to ask for directions.
“Can you tell me the quickest way to get to Dublin?”
“Are you walking there or driving?”
“I’m driving”
“Aye, that’s the quickest way”.
[And finally, one that only really works in sarf London and some north regions… ]
Q. How do you ask a man with no arms and no legs the time?
A. * 'Ave you got a watch on yer cock?*
Bill, Tom, and Steve are coming back from the fishing trip they took together. They get hit by a car, and all are killed instantly. They ascend to Heaven, where St. Peter is manning the Pearly Gates. He approaches Bill and says: “Heaven is a big place, so you’ll need a car to get around. What kind of vehicle you get depends on what kind of life you led. We’re kind of swamped, so rather than do a complete review of your years on Earth, I’ll just ask you one question. How faithful were you to your wife?”
“When I went fishing, St. Peter, I went fishing. When I went out of town on business, I spent all day meeting with clients. I never even flirted with anyone but my wife once I was married.”
“Well, here are the keys to that Rolls Royce limo over there. Enjoy your eternal reward for a life well-lived.” Turning to Tom, St. Peter asked: “What about you?”
“I loved my wife very much, but I also had a gorgeous secretary. One evening we were working late, and started talking, and found we really had a lot in common, and started kissing, and one thing led to another, and we started to have an affair, but I felt guilty and called it off after a week. I never cheated after that”
“You obviously learned your lesson well. Go take that Lincoln Town Car. And now, what about you, Steve?”
“Although I really tried, I must confess I fell short of the mark. I was a photographer for lingerie ads, and I ended up sleeping with dozens of models. I also visited a hooker or two when I had long layovers during flights. But I was faithful for the last few months, at any rate.”
“And you were, by all accounts, a pretty decent guy otherwise. That Yugo over there isn’t fast or flashy, but it runs okay. Here are the keys.”
The guys stay in touch, and one day Steve sees Bill crying.
“What’s wrong, buddy? You’ve got a great car – every song ever composed available on your CD player, seats covered in the finest leather, even a refrigerator stocked with the finest in both food and drink. And didn’t I hear your wife has just arrived?”
“Yes, and that’s why I’m crying. I just saw her, and she was riding on a skateboard!”
A man takes his rotweiler to the vet because the dog apears to be crosseyed. The vet picks up the dog, peers deeply into it’s eyes, and says “Yes, he’s crosseyed. I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What??” screams the man, “Just because he’s crosseyed?”
"No " the vet replies, “Because he’s heavy”
Dog necrophelia. You sick bastard.
So a guy is crossing the street to go to the store, when suddenly, a truck hits him. He dies and goes to Hell. He sits on a rock, looking glum. Just then, a demon shows up.
“Why so sad?” asks the demon?
“Why do you think? I’m in Hell” the guy says.
“Oh, don’t be sad. Hell’s actually a cool place. Say, do you smoke?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Monday here is our Smoking Day. We bring in Cuban cigars, cloves, everything. You smoke until it comes out of your ears. And don’t worry about cancer, you’re already dead.”
“Wow. What’s Tuesday?”
"You drink?
“Yeah.”
“Tuesday is our alcohol day. Beer, wine from all over the world, everything. Drink until drunk and then, drink some more. And if you get alcohol poisoning, don’t worry. You’re already dead.”
“Sounds great.”
“You like to gamble?”
“Yeah.”
“Wednesday is our gambling day. Craps, poker, slots, blackjack. You name it, we got it. Just gamble all you want.”
“Cool.”
“You like to do drugs?”
“Yeah.”
“Thursday is our drug night. Crack, heroin, pot. Just light a doobie the size of the Chrysler Building. And if you OD, so what? You’re already dead.”
“Sound great!”
“Hey, are you gay?”
“No.”
“Ooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”
An angel is wandering through a park filled with lovely statuary. He comes upon a sculpted couple, the man and woman in loving embrace, and sees that appreciative viewers. When the people have gone, he touches the statue, turning them both into live people. “Because you’ve brought so much pleasure to those who view you, you’re granted 2 hours of humanity. Use it as you wish.” Casting knowing looks at one another, the two join hands and rush off into the shrubbery, where laughter and squealing is heard. Returning after an hour, the angel advises them that they still have an hour left. They look at one another and the female says, “Let’s do that again, only this time you hold the pigeons, and I’ll crap on their heads.”
A fellow was talking with a friend about making time with women, and asks his advice.
“I like to use poetry,” the fellow says. When you’re feeling like she’s in the right mood, say something like, “Angelic lady with eyes of blue, my life is complete if I could love you.”
“Cool. Thanks for the advice.”
A week or so later, the two see one another, and the guy who’d sought the advice looks like he’s been hit by a bus.
“What the hell happened to you?”
“I took your advice. We’d been foolin’ around, had a few drinks, and I said, ‘Nappy head bitch with eyes like a frog, bend your ass over, I’ll do you like a dog.’”
A couple is on their way to the honeymoon, and the wife says, “I have a confession. Before we met, I had sex with a man who has gone on to become a major sports figure.”
“OK, who?” says her new husband.
“Tiger Woods,” she replies.
“Hey, it’s before we met, no big deal,” says her husband.
After a session of passionate lovemaking, the husband gets out of bed to call for room service.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“I’m hungry,” he replies.
“Tiger Woods would get back in bed and do it again.”
Her husband returns, and a second round of lively sex is had, followed by the husband getting out of bed and heading towards the phone.
“What are you doing?” she again asks.
“I told you, I’m hungry.”
“Tiger Woods would do it again.”
Again, the husband returns for round three of marital gymnastics, and upon completion, heads for the telephone.
“What are you doing?” comes the inevitable question.
“I’m calling Tiger Woods. I want to know the par for this hole.”
This one, of course, is funnier if you embellish it a bit and draw out the punchline. I believe the term is “bathos?”
Two sausages are put into a pan with some oil at the bottom. The stove is turned on and the oil slowly starts to heat up.
As the oil starts to bubble, the first sausage turns to the second and says “Boy. We’re really screwed.”
The second sausage rolls over and says to the first: “Holy shit!! You’re a talking sausage!!!”
Some good jokes here…these are some of my personal best:
St Peter comes up to God one day and says, “I just found out that instead of delivering his Sunday sermon, Father Fitzpatrick is out playing golf! You should punish him!” So God gets out of his chair, looks down at Fitzpatrick and he’s getting ready to tee off on the first hole. God points his finger at him and WHAP! Fitzpatrick swings and scores a hole in one! Smiling, God goes back to his chair and sits down.
“But God, what kind of punishment is that? He just scored a hole in one!!”
“Yeah.” God said, grinning. “But who is he going to tell?”
Raunchy joke. Beware who you tell.
Three dogs were sitting in a kennel, talking about what they had waiting for them.
“Well, my master bought these brand new leather shoes. They just looked so tasty I chewed them up while he was away at work. He sent me here to be put to sleep.” Said the first dog.
“I took a dump on my master’s antique rug while he was away at work, and he sent me here to be put to sleep too.” Said the second dog.
The third dog looked up. “Well, my master was at work too, and his wife came out from the shower naked, and she got down on her hands and knees to pick up a mess I had made on her floor, and I mounted her.”
The other two dogs were in complete shock. “Wow.” They said. “So you’re here to be put to sleep too?”
“No I’m just here to get my nails clipped.”
Ok, final joke, worthy of great laughter or severe hatred. Be REALLY REALLY careful on who you tell this one.
Why did God create vaginal yeast infections?
So women would know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt
Sanscour
Not quite:
But I am a sick bastard all the same, it’s true 
Sick female bastard, let’s make that clear.
Cowboy walks up to the hitching post outside a bar and notes that someone has painted his horse’s balls blue. Wellsir, he’s mighty pissed off about it and storms into the bar.
“Which of you low life, sneakin’, dirty sonsabitches painted my horse’s balls blue?” A very large gentleman with three days growth of beard, one tooth and packin’ two sixguns unfolds off a bar stool and roars "I did, asshole, what about it?!"
“Well”, the cowboy replies, “The first coat’s dry…sir.”
It’s widespread in the midwest college age crowd (the large groups i know from a summer activity anyway) as “the muffin joke.” Instead of screwed, “Boy it’s hot in here.”
There are two cows lying in a field. First cow turns to the second cow and says, “So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
Second cow turns to the first cow, gives her a dirty look and says, “Why the hell should I care? I’M a helicopter!”
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye-deer.
…say it phonetically, people.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: STILL no eye-dear.