Tell me a joke

Ok, I want to make a little booklet of jokes, any kind of jokes.
Tell me which has been the funniest joke you have ever heard if you still remember it!

I called a friend of mine and his little four year old son answered the phone. The dialogue went like this.

Kevin, is your Dad home?


Can I speak with him?

No he can’t come to the phone.

Is your Mom there?


Can I speak with her?

No, she can’t come to the phone either.

Well, is there anybody else there?

Yeah, the fireman.

Can I speak to him?

No, he can’t come to the phone either.

Is there anybody else there?

Yeah, the minister and a policeman.

Can I speak with either of them?

No, they are busy too.

Kevin, what are all those people doing there?

He whispers, “Looking for me”

One of my favorite jokes of all time goes like this:
There are these two guys, they’re neighbours,
one of them is a tall, well built blonde, he’s got a Porche a Palace and the attitude of a real ladies man.

The other is a Short nearly bald bum, he’s got a broken down car and his house is a wreck. But every night a bunch of young hotties go over to his place and don’t leave until the next morning.

The Blonde guy see’s this every night and wonders why HE doesn’t get all the girl’s.
So he goes over to his neighbours place and asks the guy WHY he gets all the girls.
The little guy turns to him and says: easy, what do you do after you take a piss?
The Blonde say I give it a little shake.
The little guy says: I give it little kicks

I love the string joke(I’m a frayed knot)!

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, one of them stops and says, “Oh no! I think I just lost an electron!”

The other one says, “Are you sure?”

The first says, “I’m positive!”

“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Tell an eight-year-old their epidermis is showing. They’ll get really embarrassed and say, “No it’s not!”

Tell a twelve-year-old their pancreas is showing. They’ll see, “Duhh, everyone knows that!”

Old and lame but it’s a classic:
A guy walked into a bar, OUCH!!!

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” - Humphrey Bogart

what do you call a deer with no eyes?


what do you call a deer with no legs or eyes?

–still noeyedeer

Holmes and Watson went on a camping trip. After a long hike, and a fresh fish dinner in the open air, they retired for the night and dropped off to sleep.

After several hours Holmes awoke and woke Watson, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions upon millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you, Watson?”

Watson thought for a moment, “Astronomically it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Mars is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three ante meridian. Theologically, I can see that God is an all powerfull creator. Meterologically, it promises to be a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes, old man?”

Holmes was silent for a moment, “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

Subject: Fw: Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest
when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an
ancient Chinese man with
a long gray beard. “I’m lost,” said the man.
“Can you put me up for the
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one
condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict
upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man.”
“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter
must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously
attracted to the young man
as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the
meal. Remembering the
old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to
bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and
snuck into her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep
everything quiet so the
old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept
back to his room,
exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening
his eyes he
saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it
that read, “Chinese
Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If
that’s the best the old
man can do then I don’t have much to worry

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the
window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another
note on it that read
“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that
was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones
was better than
castration he jumped out of the window after the
boulder. As he
plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that
read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to
bed post.”

My favorite joke ever:

What does a snail say while riding on a turtle’s back?

Stupid, I know, but I’m cracking up just typing it! :smiley:

A car salesman was sitting in his office doing some paperwork, when he saw a snail come into his office. It slooowly crawled through the doorway, across the tiles, and to the side of his desk. Then it slooowly inched its way up the side of the desk, until it finally reached the top, and halted.

The salesman peered at the snail for a moment, wondering what to do about it, when it suddenly spoke. “Hi there,” it said. “I’d like to buy a car, please.”

“Um, sure,” said the startled salesman. “What kind of car do you want?”

“A Cadillac,” the snail said. “A huge, shiny, brand-new Caddy.”

“What color do you want?” asked the salesman.

“Black,” answered the snail. “And I want a lot of chrome on it. And mag wheels. And a rear spoiler and a sunroof.”

“Okay,” said the salesman, starting to take notes. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, one more thing. On each of the doors, I want there to be a big letter S, in metallic silver paint.”

The salesman though this a rather odd request. “Did you say the letter S? Why do you want that?”

“When I drive down the street, I want everbody to see my new Cadillac and say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”

Laugh hard; it’s a long way to the bank.

Celine Dion walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Q: How many socialist workers does it take to change a proletarian lightbulb?
A: None, because the proletarian lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

(A tip of the hat to my ex-colleague, Randy Shane, who invented that joke.)

“Kings die, and leave their crowns to their sons. Shmuel HaKatan took all the treasures in the world, and went away.”