Two guys are driving 80mph through Texas when they are pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up to the car & bangs his baton on the driver’s window.
The driver rolls down the window & says, “I realize I was speeding officer…” and the Trooper hits him in the head with the baton.
Driver: “What was that for?”
Trooper: “We don’t take kindly to you city boys speedin’ through our state” and promptly writes a ticket. He then goes over to the passenger’s side & bangs his baton on the passenger’s window. The passenger slowly rolls down his window and the Trooper whacks him in the head with the stick.
Passenger: “Hey, what was that for?”
Trooper: “That’s for a mile down the road when you would’ve said, ‘I wish he would have tried that shit with me’.”
[ul]
[li]A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke!?”[/li][li]A three-legged dog limps into an Old West saloon. He hops onto a barstool and tells the bartender, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”[/li][/ul]
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street,the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied,
“Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
A man is in bed and he hears a thumping on his door. He looks at his clock. 3:30 in the morning. Cripes he says, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and standing out in the rain is this drunk. “Hey, can you give me a push?” the drunk asks. The guy slams the door in his face. He goes back upstairs, gets back into bed, and tells his wife what happened. His wife says “Remember when we were first married? Our car broke down in the middle of the night, and we had to knck on doors for an hour in the snow before someone gave us a push to a gas station. You should go see if you can help him.”
The man grumbles but agrees and goes back downstairs. He opens the door, but the drunk isn’t there. “Hey!” he shouts. “Are you there?”
Bill Clinton is giving his last address befor Congress. In the audience is George W. Bush. Clinton approaches the podium carrying a duffel-bag. He sets it on the floor and begins to speak.
“I have heard,” he says, looking hard at the Congresspeople and Senators, “that some of you think I’m a wimp. I will prove today that I am NOT a wimp.” He unzips the duffel bag and takes out a big ol’ snapping turtle, and then unzips his fly and takes out his penis. He shakes the snapping turtle until it’s good and angry, and then SNAP! lets it bite him on the end of his penis. He then proceeds to give the rest of his address with the turtle just hanging there.
When he’s finished, he takes a pencil, pokes the turtle in the eye to make it release him, puts himself and the turtle away, and then says “Wimp, am I? Which of you would be willing to try that?”
From the back, Dubya timidly raises his hand. “Well, I’ll do it,” he says, “if you promise not to poke me in the eye.”
JCThunder, I heard that joke but the first part was different. The guy gets pulled over for not coming to a full stop. The cop asks the driver if he knows why he was pulled over, and the guy sez “aw, come on, I slowed down and checked before I crossed”. Then the cop whales on the guy for a while, and finally stops to ask “now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN or to STOP?” The rest of the joke is the same…
Ok, hang on to your seats for this one. You prolly wont want to have any water in your hand or anything cause this will have you rolling on the floor. OK…here it goes…
So this duck walks into a bar and asks, “got any duck food?”
The bartender says, “no, we don’t have any duck food.”
The duck asks again, “got any duck food?”
The bartender, annoyed now, says, “no! We don’t have any duck food!”
The duck asks again, “got any duck food?”
The bartender tells the duck “listen, duck, if you ask me one more time if we have any duck food I’m going to nail your face to the bar!”
The duck asks, “got any nails?”
Bartender says “no.”
The duck asks, “got any duck food?” (this next one works better when told out loud)
A bear walks into a crowded bar, grabs a woman off the stool and eats hear. He then sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells him “we don’t serve drug addicts here.”
“I’m not a drug addict, I’m a bear!” says the bear."
“But that was a barbituate.”
A new couple, she’s deaf, he’s not.
He writes out some signals so that they can better communicate until he learns sign language.
On the sheet “Signals for sex” he writes;
If I want to have sex, I will squeeze your left breast twice.
If I don’t want to have sex, I will squeeze your right breast once.
If you want to have sex, pull my penis once.
If you don’t want to have sex, pull my penis fifty-five times.
A man comes into a bar and orders two shots, he drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He orders two more and does the same, drinks one and pours the other on his hand. When he orders the third round the bartender asks, “Why are you doing that?” The man replies, “I’m trying to get my date drunk.”
A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his office and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.”
The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
There once was a man from Purdue
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
A termite walks into a bar…He asks “Is the bar tender here?”
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the dog.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
She was a woman.
So this Zen Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vender and says, “Make me one with everything.”
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
My current fave was in the Onion, and is only good when told face to face.
Q: Why did the dumb blonde join the Catholic church?
A: She heard they had a guy there who was hung like this (and you spread your arms ala a crucified Christ).
> There were these two not so bright guys who had to
> get across the
> desert. Since they didn’t have enough money for a
> car they decided to
> buy a camel.
>
> The camel dealer promised them that the camel would
> get them across
> the desert if they made sure he was full of water
> before they left.
> They took the camel down to the water hole, but the
> camel would not
> drink. So finally the first guy says: “I have an
> idea, why don’t I
> hold his head down in the water and you suck on his
> butt. That way the
> water will be drawn up into him like a straw.” The
> second gut thought
> about this for a while and finally agreed.
>
> After a while the first guy asks “Well is it
> working?”
>
> The second guy replied “I think it is going to work,
> but you have to
> pick his head up just a little because I’m just
> getting mud.”
I was driving through downtown Jacksonville last weekend and came up to a terrible traffic jam. Nothing moved for over half an hour. Finally, a cop walked up to my car and explained: “Al Gore is standing in the middle of the road and swears he will douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire unless we can round up $100,000 to finance his next lawsuit.”
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open, and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle, and the table erupts. Up jump the others. They begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
