Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character

[ThelmaLou]

I contributed this one in the 2012 version of this thread.

@ThelmaLou

…On Night Court, John Laroquette’s parents come to see him. They’re hillbillies right off the farm. Somehow John starts talking about his childhood pet (this is as well as I can remember):

John: “His name was Skippy. He was a turtle.”

The parents exchange meaningful glances.

The father says hesitantly, “Son, I’ve been meaning to tell you about that…”

John (alarmed): “What?”

Mother: “Son, we were too poor to afford a pet for you, so your father took a potato and painted lines on its back to make it look like a turtle.”

John (really alarmed): “Nuh-AH! Skippy was a turtle!”

Mother: “Well, didn’t you ever wonder why he never stuck his head out of his shell?”

John (whiny): “He was shy.”

Father (earnestly): “No, son. [pause] He was a spud.”