“I didn’t even know you were Jewish” Spoken by Johnny Carson after a stunt by the actor/singer Ed Ames went…south. Still one of the funniest moments on TV.
Ames, who was starring on a TV version of Daniel Boone, was showing Johnny how to throw a tomahawk at a figure drawn on a piece of wood. The tomahawk hit the drawing right in the crotch, which was funny enough, but the house went nuts when Carson made the above remark. And remember, this was live TV; no time to set up or write the line.
From NewsRadio, in the episode that takes place in space. They spend much of the episode attaching the word “space” to ordinary objects - space pliers, space porn, etc.
Then there comes a scene where Dave and Lisa are arguing about moving in together.
Lisa: “I don’t want to move into your apartment. Besides, it’s always so chilly there.”
Dave: “Then I’ll get a space heater.”
Archie: “That’s something the hebes do. They change their last names but keep their first names so that they’ll still recognize each other.”
Mike: “Whaddya mean, Arch?”
Archie: “Well, you take a guy like Isaac Schwartz. He changes ‘Schwartz’ to ‘Smith’ but he leaves Isaac. So he’s Isaac Smith. Jacob Cohen, he becomes Jacob Kane. See?”
Mike (sarcastically): “Yeah, I see what you mean, Arch. Like Abraham . . . Lincoln.”
Pause.
Edith: “I didn’t know Lincoln was Jewish.”
My favorite ever, from Night Court:
(setup: an important Japanese businessman died in the courtroom. Bull is given the task of discreetly bringing the body to the morgue. He puts it in a motorized wheelchair, and while he briefly turns away, a kid messes with the controls, sending it down the hall and out of Bull’s view)
Harry: What do you mean, you lost the body???
Bull: He outsmarted me, sir.
Harry: Outsmarted you? Bull, a corpse is a corpse!
Dan: Of course, of course.
Cheers:
Norm: “Afternoon everybody.”
Crowd: “NORM!!”
Woody: “What’cha up to, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “My ideal weight, if I was 11 feet tall.”
Police Squad:
Drebin: “Is there a ransom note?”
Hocken: “Yes; the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they’re demanding one million dollars.”
Drebin: “Why would the lab demand a million dollars?”
You guys are all too NORMAL. I propose this exchange, from the 2001 live-action series, THE TICK.
The scene is the accounting department of Worldwide Fishladder & Sons. CEO Christopher Lloyd, in full “Christopher Lloyd Mode,” confronts employee Arthur, an aspiring superhero wearing a homemade flying suit at his desk.
Mr. Fishladder: Christ in heaven, look at yourself! You’re built like a sensible shoe! You shouldn’t be jumping around in a body-sock fighting crime!
Arthur: Well, I haven’t actually fought any crime yet.
Mr. Fishladder: Good! Keep it that way. CRIME FIGHTS BACK! Remember the lesson of Metcalf!
Arthur: Metcalf?
Mr. Fishladder: METCALF! Head of Shipping and Receiving, third floor! Metcalf! He lost all his game pieces just like you, cashed in his 401K and BOUGHT A JETPACK! Now the poor bastard needs a machine…TO POOP!
Taxi:
[while filling out an application]
Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Now that’s a tough choice…
Get Smart: (the first time they used this line)
Max: Missed it by that much.
Cheers:
Somebody to Norm: “How’s life treating you?”
Norm: “Like I kicked its dog.”
Barney Miller:
Harris: “I’ll go home, but I ain’t never gonna feel no better.”
“A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends; the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I’d mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn.”
Too many to name, but some of my faves from Archer:
Archer wakes up with a flight attendant
“You want breakfast? Try the diner…you’re obviously into Greek.”
Cyril: Will I get to learn Karate?
Archer: Karate? The “Dane Cook” of martial arts? No!
“It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist…although hopefully not flaky.”
"Thank you, uh, sorry what was your name again?
“Rodney.”
“Thank you…asshole.”
So many great lines!
From Soap:
Jodie: Plato was gay.
Jessica (astonished): Mickey Mouse’s dog was gay??
Jodie: Goofy was his lover.
Another one from Cheers. Frasier is planning to buy a piece of antique furniture for Lillith as a gift.
Frasier: Nothing says “I love you” like old wood.
Woody (after a pause): How do I say it, Dr. Crane?
From the MASH* episode “Tuttle”, in which Hawkeye and Trapper John had made up a fictitious doctor named Tuttle, and then killed him off:
Hawkeye: We can all be comforted by the thought that he’s not really gone, there’s a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
Yet another Cheers:
Sam: How’s life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me in bed with its wife.
One of the reasons that I adored Pushing Daisies was the great writing and wordplay. (Well, that, and I have a massive crush on Kristin Chenoweth.) One of my favorite bits:
Emerson Cod: Sounds like you’re a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson Cod: What’s the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive Snook: Me too! I used to think that ‘masturbation’ meant chewing your food. (pause) I don’t think that anymore.
There was an early 90s sitcom with Matt Frewer called “Doctor Doctor”. The only line I remember from the entire series was when someone accidentally spills a cup of coffee in his lap, and he says “I hope that was decaf or I’m going to be up all night!”
The imminently quotable Blackadder:
“Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?”
“I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do 20 minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on…”
Yes, Blackadder!
“I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.”
That one is possibly my favorite line of all time. It’s not only the line; Leslie Nielson’s flat delivery makes it perfect.
So I’ll offer my second favorites, all from a single episode of *Futurama *called “The Deep South”:
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is the perfect chance for Fry to try out my new anti-pressure pills.
[opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out]
Fry: I cant swallow that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, then good news. It’s a suppository.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dear Lord! That’s over 150 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it’s a space ship, so I’d say anywhere between zero and one.
Hermes Conrad: I’d love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gasses.
You know, I just realized that all three of those punchlines are delivered by the Professor.
Seinfeld
Newman: I called in sick. I don’t work in the rain.
George: You don’t work in the rain. You’re a mailman! Neither rain, nor sleet, n- IT’S THE FIRST ONE!!!
Newman: I was never that big on creeds.
(later)
George: Hey, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to run down and get me lunch at Paisano’s.
Kramer: Wait a minute- what happened to Newman?
George: He called in “sick.”
Kramer: Oh, right. Yeah, it’s raining.
Two lines from that show I use when ever the chance is there (and these days, thats plenty)
Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.
Thats the kinda idea that makes a bad idea stand up and take notice.