Family Guy
Meg: “I can’t taste salt.”
One of my favorite Furturama lines is from the first season when the Professor creates a genius monkey, who then decides he doesn’t want to be a genius anymore and runs away. And Farnsworth says “I always knew he would run away some day. Why, oh why didn’t I break his legs?”
Probably one of the funniest things I remember seeing on TV is on 30 Rock when Liz visits Buzz Aldrin of all people, and he doesn’t realize why the moon is out during the day, and yells at it like a crazy homeless dog or something, “Go back to the night! I walked on your face!”. The fact that it was actually Buzz Aldrin is what makes that scene perfect.
Taxi: (paraphrasing)
Jim wanders in.
Louie (angry): Where have you been, Ignatowski?
Jim: I went away for the weekend.
Louie: You’ve been gone for ten days!
Jim: I thought we were on the metric system!
From the Arrested Development episode, “Pier Pressure.” One of the greatest TV episodes ever. Michael asks George for contact information for J Walter Weatherman, a guy George had used to help teach his kids various lessons. Michael wants to teach his own son a lesson.
Michael Bluth: I need the guy with the fake arm, J. Walter Weatherman.
George Bluth, Sr.: Oh, he’s dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioning on.
Another from Archie Bunker - Mike and Gloria say they’re going to buy a bassinet for the baby. Archie says, “it’ll be years before he can play one of those.”
The restaurant reunion scene from Sherlock:
John (not noticing that his French waiter is actually Sherlock back from the dead): Yes, well, surprise me.
Sherlock: I’m certainly endeavoring to, sir.
German tourist: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil Fawlty: Me? You started it.
German tourist: We did not start it!
Basil Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.
Even better:
Frewer is trapped in an airplane that’s crashing.
Person 1: “What should we do?”
Frewer: “Depends.”
Person 1: “Depends on what?”
Frewer: “No. Depends. The adult diaper.”
There was a scene in one show where he and his girlfriend were talking:
Elizabeth: Do you know why I love you?
Mike: Because I’m pear shaped?
You Bet Your Life :
Groucho : And you’re Mrs. X of City, State ?
Very Old Contestant : Miss X
Groucho : Oh, I’m sorry
Contestant : You may be sorry, but I’m not
(sorry, too much backstory to explain the line, you’ll have to see the episode)
Basil Fawlty: Manuel, Manuel, you remember I had some money yesterday, the money I won on the horse?
Manuel: Ah, si, yes…
Basil: Tell Mrs. Richards, tell her I had the money yesterday…
Manuel: (clears throat)…I know NAAAA-THING…
In Star Trek: The Next Generation, Worf got a lot of the best lines.
Worf: Sir, I protest! I am not a merry man!
Worf: That is how the Klingon lures a mate.
Wesley: Are you telling me to go yell at Salia?
Worf: No. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects…and claw at you.
Wesley: What does the man do?
Worf: He reads love poetry. (pause) He ducks a lot.
Guinan: It’s an Earth drink. Prune juice.
Worf (eyes light up): A warrior’s drink!
Riker: How did you like command?
Worf: Comfortable chair.
Rishon Uxbridge: Well, what do you think, Mr. Worf?
Worf: Good tea. (pause) Nice house.
I remember a couple from an episode of Justice League where Flash and Lex Luthor accidentally get mind-swapped. Flash is absolutely terrible at acting like Luthor (fortunately, most of the other villains just think he’s just temporarily loopy from a failed mind-probe attempt):
(as Flash/Luthor exists the rest room where he’d been hiding out trying to think what to do next)
Dr. Polaris: (coughs) You gonna wash your hands?
Flash/Luthor: No – 'cause I’m evil!
(at the pre-heist meeting)
Flash/Luthor: (ahem) My fellow bad guys, I, Lex Luthor, your leader, will speak now about my, Lex Luthor’s, plan. My villainous, villainous plan! Question the plan at your peril! (pause) Ahhh… any questions?
A smug Lex Luthor, in Flash’s body, triumphantly unmasks and looks in a mirror.
[pause] “I have no idea who this is.”
From the Night Court episode in which Bull gets married. Harry Stone is officiating.
Harry: Do you, Bull, take Wanda for your lawful wedded wife in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, for better or worse, until death do you part?
Bull: O-kay.
Harry asks the same question of Wanda, who also replies, “O-kay.”
Along similar lines, one I’ll always remember: the heroes are fleeing from some horrible menace and have holed up in a department store. Batman suggests they all take their costumes off, dress normally, and stroll out casually.
Flash balks. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with you all knowing my secret identity.”
Batman: (exasperated pause, then points at Flash) “Wally West.” (points at Superman) “Clark Kent.” (takes his own cowl off) “Bruce Wayne.”
I wanted to add this one from Cheers, which I use in real life when I can.
Woody: “How’s the world treatin’ you, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Like a dog treats a fire hydrant.”
I think that goes:
Mike: Archie, why does Majeski have to be Polish? He could be Russian or Jewish.
Archie: He ain’t Jewish.
Mike: How do you know?
Archie: His first name is John and them Hebes don’t name their kids John.
Mike: He could have changed it.
Archie: They don’t change their first name, just their last name! Two guys meet on the street. One says, “How do you do? My name is Smith–Morris Smith.” Right away, they know! Like Sol Nelson…Izzy Watson…
Mike: Abe Lincoln.
Edith: I didn’t know Lincoln was Jewish.
From the episode Gloria’s Boyfriend: (George Bushmill, the boxboy from the local grocery store, has been fired for staying at the Bunkers’ house too long. His father comes to the Bunkers’ house, and Archie has inspired Mike to tell him he should be in the Guinness Book of World Records: “Most stupid remarks made in a single day!”)
Bushmill: Let’s get something straight, Bunker! My boy [George] don’t have to weave baskets, understand?! He’s gonna make it on his own like his brother!
Archie: Ah geez, you got another one like that?
Bushmill: It don’t run in families, see? In fact, George’s brother just passed his bar exam!
Archie: Yeah? Where does he tend bar?
Mike: You just broke your own record!
From Bob’s Burgers, Tina’s long uttered “uhhhhhhhhhhhh” when she gets to drive and slowly runs into the only other car in the lot.
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