Michael: It is going to be up in Tahoe for another couple of days. Maybe you could take a date up there.
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
… long pause …
… even longer …
Michael: …the cabin, yes. That would be difficult, too.
MTM:
Lou Grant: You got spunk! I HATE SPUNK!
Possibly the only funny line ever on “The Love Boat”: Jimmy (J.J.) Walker plays an exterminator sneaking onto the ship to pursue his lady love, and yelling back at the person who’s house he is supposed to be working at, “Don’t worry about your termites, Lady, because when the house falls down it’ll kill them!”
From “Hogan’s Heroes”, as Newkirk undergoes a medical exam prior to being drafted into the German Army:
German Doctor, to Newkirk: Sit in the brown chair.
Newkirk sits in the brown chair.
German Doctor: Eyesight, perfect!
Newkirk: Wait a minute, don’t you want to look at my blood?
German Doctor: Why, are you bleeding?
Spock: My congratulations, Captain - a dazzling display of logic.
Capt. Kirk: You didn’t think I had it in me, did you, Spock?
Spock: [deadpan] No, sir.
“No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can’t emphasize that enough.”
From Night Court again, any time John Astin appeared:
“But I’m feeling much better now!”
I have never laughed harder watching TV than when I watched that episode. That line was classic! And for 1977, it was :eek::eek::eek:!!!
Any Night Court funny lines/moments compilation must include Bob and June Wheeler.
“Stampede”. 
From the under-appreciated Raising Hope:
(and I forget who said it)
“Some people like their glory in pieces, but not me. I like my glory whole”.
mmm
From 24, Jack Bauer: “I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”
(Well, it made me laugh…)
From Arrested Development:
Michael [to Gob]: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I’ll leave when I’m good and ready!
From Home Improvement:
Tim: How long has the oil light been on, Jill?
Jill: [Puzzled] Oil light?
Tim: The oil light. Uh, next to the speedometer. Little red light with an oil can on it.
Jill: Oh! That thing! I don’t know. Two or three days.
Tim: Two or three days?! It’s a warning light! Didn’t it occur to you that there might be a little problem?
Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer?! It’s a car not a game show!
From The Simpsons:
Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun! I will do the next best thing: Block it out.
Smithers: Good God!
Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long.
Smithers: But, sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting!
Friends
(Monica’s prom video, showing a very overweight teenage Monica);
Present Monica: “The camera puts on ten pounds.”
Chandler: “How many cameras are on you?”
(After Monica accidentally bonks Ross’ son’s head, she and Rachel bonk their heads against a pillar to show it’s no big deal – and so the kid won’t rat them out.)
Rachel: “Y’know, if it’s not a headboard, it’s just not worth it.”
Star Trek: TOS
“The Trouble With Tribbles.”
Spock (responding to a rhetorical “did you hear what I said” aimed at Kirk) “He could not believe his ears.”
It’s Shatner’s quick “say what - never mind” take that makes it work. 
One more from Cheers:
Diane Chambers: There’s the old philosophical question, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody’s there, does it make a sound?
Coach Ernie Pantuso: Well, if nobody’s there, how do they know it fell? Maybe some beavers set it there.
Kirk: My friend… is obviously Chinese. (pause) I see you’ve noticed the ears. They’re… actually easy to explain… (stalls)
Spock: Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child–
Kirk: --the unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical… rice picker… but, fortunately, there was an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh, skilled, uh, plastic surgeon in civilian life…
On MASH:
Radar: You could be sent to Leavenworth if you get caught doing that.
Winchester: Good God – that’s in Kansas!
Mad About You:
Jamie: How are you getting along (licking envelope flaps on a big stack of invitations)
Paul: If I had two tongues, I’d be the happiest person in the world.
Jamie: Second happiest.
“I’m a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!” -Homer Simpson
Ah, the Tick. I’ll remember this one 'til my dying day.
Slide show. Boring. Losing. Consciousness.
Then there was the time that Multiple Santa got an electrical overload from the dynamos at the dam (electric shocks caused him to create doubles of himself). All of the duplicate Santas came tumbling down the river toward the Tick and Arthur.
Tick: Oh, by god! It’s a Yule Tide!!!
This is from real life, but it fits in here perfectly. Someone had placed a C clamp in the vise in the shop and had been heating something in it with a torch. They left it there and it was still very hot.
Bob walks up to remove it, spins the vise handle and grabs the clamp. He immediately flings it away.
I saw the whole thing and asked, “Did you get burned?”
Bob replied, “Nope. Just doesn’t take me very long to look at a C clamp.”
Dennis
No, it doesn’t. In fact, it doesn’t fit in there at all. It’s pretty much the opposite of what this thread is about in every way.
Mary Tyler Moore
(Episode in which one of Mary’s joke obituaries got announced on the air.
Mr. Grant suspended Mary for a week. Before the week was up she came into the newsroom on the verge of tears.)
Mr. Grant: It hasn’t been a picnic around here, Mary! Everyone mad at me for what I did to you! Glaring at me over their coffee cups! (Pause) Somebody came in here last night–and broke all my pencil points!
Andy Griffith Show
(Deputy Warren Ferguson decides to convince Otis Campbell, the town drunk, to take up mosaic art instead of drinking. His first work was a hideous picture of a bull.
(Now Otis, totally sozzled, staggers into the sheriff’s office and shows Andy and Warren his latest mosaic work–a magnificent countryside scene that any museum would love to display.)
Otis: I’ve foun’ that I do muh bes’ work when I’m jus’ a li’l bit gassed.
(Warren frowns and moans.)
Otis: Oh, don’t feel bad! Now I got TWO hobbiesh!
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND
The castaways find out the island is sinking:
MR HOWELL: Quick, Lovey! Let’s see if we can’t think of some way we can take it with us!
On the subject of money:
PROFESSOR: Mrs Howell, money cannot buy happiness!
MR HOWELL: Well, it’s certainly kept me smiling for years!
MRS HOWELL: Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop!