From the same episode, and slightly risqué:
Sybil: Basil, you know what I’ll do if I find out the money on that horse was yours…
Basil, after Sybil has left the room: You’ll have to sew them back on first
Friends
Phoebe: Oh the cow in the meadow goes “moo”
Oh the cow in the meadow goes “moo”
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
(The gang is horrified. Phoebe doesn’t notice.)
Noooowwwww chickens!
Monica (when the gang criticizes her choice of a boyfriend): married a lesbian, left a guy standing at the altar, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, lives in a box!
Welcome Back, Kotter
(Barbarino is trying to become an actor. He asks the other Sweathogs to identify movie stars he imitates. He mimics Marlon Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire.”)
Barbarino: “Stella!..Stellla! Stella!” …OK, who is that?
Washington: Some weird guy named Stella.
Leave It to Beaver
(Wally has just come home from school, somewhat late. He meets June in the kitchen.)
June: What happened? Why so late?
Wally: I couldn’t get a ride home with Lumpy. He got sick and had to go home early.
June: What’s the matter with Clarence?
Wally: At lunch today Eddie Haskell bet Lumpy he couldn’t eat sixteen ice-cream bars one after another.
June: That’s terrible!
Wally: Well, he might have made it if he hadn’t eaten that pot roast.
Cheers
(Someone has just made an insulting remark to Cliff.)
Cliff: If I wasn’t wearing this uniform, I’d ask you to step outside!
Norm: If you weren’t wearing that uniform we’d all step outside!
MAS*H
(Radar is reading a letter from home)
Radar: About the dog, Leon: Three times behind the kitchen door…once on the front porch, and twice on the cat! About the cat: we don’t have one any more!
Beverly Hillbillies
(Jethro wants to join an outfit like The Boy Scouts. They assigned him to build an Ant Farm. He built a diorama resembling a scaled-down farm, complete with buildings, a silo, and a wind vane.)
Wally Cox (as a Scoutmaster): That’s not right, Bodine. An ant farm is put between two panes of glass.
Jethro: That’s great if you like squashed ants!
SYBIL: No, Basil doesn’t bet any more, Major. Do you, dear?
BASIL: No, I don’t, dear, no. No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off.
SYBIL: And we don’t want it opened up again, do we, Basil?
BASIL: No, you don’t, dear.
BIG BANG THEORY
BEVERLY HOFSTADER: (Talking to Howard and Raj.) You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one’s mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
[QUOTE=kunilou]
Monica (when the gang criticizes her choice of a boyfriend): married a lesbian, left a guy standing at the altar, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, lives in a box!
[/QUOTE]
“…take thee, Rachel.”
MASH:
Radar: “Dear Ma…I’m writing this letter real slow, because I know you don’t read very fast.”
Henry Blake’s soliloquoy of Klinger’s “letters from home” about “half the family dying, the other half pregnant” kills me every time. Then he asks “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”
“Yessir,” Klinger replies. “I don’t deserve to be in the army!”
Soap
Jody sticks Bob the dummy in the freezer. When Chuck “rescues” him, Bob says “Y’know, that little light DOES stay on…”
Family court investigator to Jody: “And you are a practicing homosexual?”
Jody: “I don’t have to practice; I’m damn good at it!”
Another MASH one (well, two, but it’s all part of the same gag). Winchester has just gotten word that Honoria has gotten engaged to be married…to, horror of horrors, an Italian.
So, he goes to Klinger, insisting that he MUST be allowed to phone home. Klinger is unimpressed…
<Winchester> How would you feel if your sister was going to marry some swarthy olive picker?!
There’s a brief beat while Klinger’s expression darkens.
<Klinger> For your information, Major, she did. And so did my mother. And my grandmother. And so will the future Mrs Max Klinger, whoever she may be!
Klinger storms off.
<Winchester> genuinely baffled Did I say something to offend?
Then, Winchester is in the chow line behind Fr. Mulcahy, who tries to give some words of advice, but Winchester is hearing none of it.
<Winchester> My only consolation is that she isn’t marrying an Irishman.
Mulcahy pauses, then turns to look at Winchester, as his expression turns to one of anger. He drops his tray on Winchester’s feet and storms off.
<Winchester> … Why is everybody so testy?
" F Troop" where Chief Wild Eagle is explaining how the Hekawi got their name
'Our ancestors travelled many miles, over rivers, mountains and deserts. Finally they came here and said ‘Where the heck are we?’".
Star Trek TOS “Bread and Circuses”
Spock (while he and McCoy are fighting separate gladiatorial fights).
Spock (handling his opponent Achilles by fighting defensively ) “Are you in need of assistance,Doctor?”
Achilles “Fight you pointy eared freak”
McCoy (struggling to stay alive against his opponent ) “You tell I’m, Buster. Of all the completely…illogical…ridiculous… questions I have ever heard in my life”.
Babylon 5.
Dr. Franklin has put Lt. Commander Susan Ivanova on a nutrition plan which requires she eat more
Susan: Suddenly, I AM the expanding Russian frontier.
Dr. Franklin: But with very nice borders.
DSYoungEsq:
Oh, yes. My favorite…from the hurricane episode…their hot dog cart had blown away in the high winds, and then this exchange…
Christine: Thank goodness you two weren’t hurt.
June: Yup, and Granny’s okay too
Harry: Oh, what was she doing at the time?
Bob: About 85-90 miles an hour.
That’s the cleaned-up version of an old joke about the Fukawi Indians. 
From F Troop, Chief Wild Eagle giving directions to the Hekawi camp:
“First, turn left at rock that look like bear. Then you turn right at bear that look like rock.”
From Leave It To Beaver:
Beaver had to take some sort of aptitude test. One of the questions asked the test taker to identify which one of four drawings of chimneys was different from the other three.
Beaver: Wally, why do I need to know that?
Wally: Gee, Beav, if you can’t tell one chimney from another you shouldn’t even be allowed to walk around.
(paraphrased)
mmm
From Barney Miller:
Harris: Barney, his wife has decided not to press charges, so I let him go after giving him that spiel you always give about “not losing one’s perspective.”
Barney: I’m… flattered that you chose to use it.
Harris: Well, I thought it oughta be in the public domain by now.
mmm
From Friends, and the wording may be a bit off:
Monica: I rally hate it that you always try to make a joke out of everything.
Chandler: Well, what about you? You’re always asking me questions all the time. It’s like dating the Riddler!
Monica: Was that a joke?
Chandler: Was that a question?
Joey (after the chick and the duck got stuck in the foosball table): Do you know any birdcalls?
Chandler: Yes, I’m quite the woodsman!
He did have an uncle Mordecai. Just sayin’.
Sideshow Bob: You do know I… used to have a…
[clears throat]
Sideshow Bob: problem… with trying to kill people?
Cecil Terwilliger: Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Sideshow Bob: Touche, Cecil.
I’ve used Cecil’s line about a million times.
"Pivot!!!
[British gentleman who’s been politely listening to Rachel’s story]
“By the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break.”
[/Hugh Laurie]