Funniest Lines Spoken by a TV Character

Cafe Society
101

AMOS ‘N’ ANDY

Sapphire has just learned that George has legally adopted Andy:

SAPPHIRE: The only reason Kingfish adopted you was so he could get some money that was coming to him from a will! I swear, Andrew H Brown, you are so dumb you don’t know enough to come in out of the rain!

ANDY: (Very indignantly) I does so! I done it lotsa times!

Another episode: George and Sapphire have been listening to a radio show called The Happy Harringtons to try and spice up their marriage. In exasperation, they ask to meet the real-life couple at the studio.

MR H: Well, when I first got the idea for the show…

MRS H: Dear,* I *was the one who got the idea.

MR H: Yes, yes, of course you did. Anyway, when I sold it to the station…

MRS H: Dear,* I* was the one who sold it.

MR H: Yes, yes, of course you were. Anyway, it was my idea to do it live…

MRS H: No, dear, that was my idea too.

MR H: Ha! That’s a good one! You’ve never had an idea in your life!

MRS H: No, you’ve never had an idea in your life!

MR H: Why, I oughtta wring your scrawny neck!

GEORGE: Please! Ain’t you gonna tell us the *secret *of being happy?

MR AND MRS H: YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS!

George and Sapphire hurry out of the room as the argument turns violent. A studio tech in the corridor sees what’s happening and yells

THE HAPPY HARRINGTONS ARE AT IT AGAIN!

102

Sounds like something Constanza would say to hit it off with a date! :smack:

103

The Benny Hill Show
(Benny tells a woman about a deceased man who was in a fire.)
Woman: Was he badly burned?
Benny: They don’t kid around in the crematorium, lady!

104

ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE (again)

Bullwinkle is frantically trying to warn Rocky of imminent danger.
**
BULLWINKLE:** Rocky, watch out! Be careful! ACHTUNG!

105

Kramer: Was it a Titleist?

106

A couple I remember from Benny Hill:

Please don’t blame our doggie.
It’s not his fault at all.
Someone left a wet umbrella
Standing in the hall.

Why do cemeteries have walls?
It’s queer without a doubt.
The people outside don’t want to get in,
And the people inside surely can’t get out!

107

My favorite Benny Hill line was when he was talking about his lawyers, from the distinguished firm of Martin, Barton, Parton, and Fargo.

108

Mine was when he was a drunken guest at a posh dinner party, and asked his host…

Benny Hill: Can I go wee now?
Host, embarrassed: Yes, of course.
Benny Hill: Wheeee!

109

Yeah, but she hates her haircut; it makes her look like an eight-year-old boy.

110

From Yes, Prime Minister:

Bernard: “The Sun’s readers don’t care who runs the country as long as she’s got big tits.” :smiley:

111

This actually reminds me of the hardest I’ve ever laughed at Friends:

[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]

Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?

Ross: Can’t hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.

Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.

Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?

Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You haven’t cooked since 1996.

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there’s a window open, a bird could fly in there.

Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you’re right. I think… listen, listen.

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.

Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true.

The way Ross gives that speech is just priceless

112

ADDAMS FAMILY

The Addamses have guests seated around the dinner table.

MORTICIA: Do you mind if I smoke?

GUEST: No, go right ahead.

MORTICIA: (Crosses her arms and starts billowing smoke, PSSSSSSSSHT!)

A candidate for Mayor is desperately trying to keep the Addamses from giving him their support.

CANDIDATE: You know all those campaign promises I made? Well, they were nothing but lies!

GOMEZ: Lies?!?

**CANDIDATE: ** As phoney as three-dollar bills!

FESTER: Oh, we’ve got lots of those!

113

Dee Dee: “What’s the matter?”
Dexter: “I have no friends and I’m totally unpopular”
Dee Dee: “Duh!”

114

**Cheers **
*Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers appears and performs. *
Woody: How come you changed your name from “Righteous”?

115

SOAP

The doorbell rings. Jessica turns toward Benson, the butler.

JESSICA: Benson, would you like to get that?

BENSON: No, that’s okay. You can get it.

116

When Señor Wences appeared on the Muppet Show, Fozzie Bear went to Kermit backstage and ranted about how horrible the show was going to be. “And who wants to watch a bunch of puppets. That’s stupid.” He rushes off.

Kermit looks out at the audience and says “I didn’t have the heart to tell him.”

117

**AMOS ‘N’ ANDY **(again)

Kingfish is scamming Andy with “flying lessons.”

KINGFISH: Now, before you can fly, you have to have 20/20 vision. Now, cover your right eye. (Writes on blackboard.) How much is ten plus ten?

**ANDY: ** Uhhhhh … twenty.

KINGFISH: Now cover your left eye. (Writes on blackboard again.) How much is five times four?

ANDY: Uhhhhh … twenty.

KINGFISH: Congratulations! You have 20/20 vision!

118

Emily Hartley: Bob! Bob, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.

119

**LAUREL AND HARDY **(again)

In the depths of the Depression, Stan and Ollie are living rough. Stan has an accident with the campfire and ends up destroying the few possessions they still have.

OLLIE: (Wearily) Do you realize what you’ve just done? Now we’re gonna have to *humiliate *ourselves by *begging *for food!

STAN: What, again?

120

My Name is Earl:

Earl and Donny’s mom try to quit smoking. “First we tried the tapes, then we tried the patches. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute, but we couldn’t get the damn things to light.”

Also in the episode, Donny’s mom reads from a large print bible. Really, really large print. “For the taber (turns page) nacle of the Lord (turns page)…” More of a sight gag, really.