Overheard in a Wal-Mart parking lot as I was walking back to my car:
You’re son is such a whore.
It was a middle aged woman talking ot a middle aged man. They didn’t seem to be arguing just talking. I was so tempted to follow them to hear the rest of the conversation.
It’s yours if you want it. 
“My mother sold her vulva.” (SO, about her mother.)
“Avez-vous su? Larry couché avec sa soeur.” ["Didn’t you know? Larry slept with his sister.] (SO, to her mother.)
Did you, indeed? :dubious:
Yes, but only according to the French definition of “slept with”, which actually also means “has the same hair color as”.
Ha. No. Context: First time making chit-chat with mamma, I was trying to make a good impression, and for some reason I remarked that her daughter reminds me of my favourite sister in certain ways. :smack:
Well, she does!
But the deadpan delivery… and the look on her mum’s face… I thought I’d die.
I’ve told this one here before, but it’s still funny (I’m probably going to paraphrase myself here, as it’s been a while, but the spirit is still intact):
Mother and child, at the Night Exhibit at the Woodland Park Zoo here in Seattle, watching an armadillo run around:
Child: “Mom, what is that?”
Mother: “Well, dear, that’s a… looks desperately around for a sign about what animal is on display, gives up… that’s… that’s a monkey.”
I had to hide my face against my husband’s shoulder to keep from laughing out loud. I mean, I understand if you don’t know what an animal is, but guess something reasonable, or better yet, just admit you don’t know. A monkey?!
Newer ones:
Overheard at the store I work in:
“You shouldn’t ride trains. They give you a humpback.” (mother to her young son)
“Barnacles grow on clams. When you dig up a clam, and take it home, and eat it, you grow barnacles. The doctor calls them warts, and then they have to be frozen off with a popsicle.” (little boy, somewhere between 7-10ish)
“I have this same book at home. Only it’s called something else, and someone else wrote it.” (a lady to her friend, as I was adding up her items)
“My daddy sowed an oat, and my mommy tilled the soil, and then I grew into a beeee-yoo-tee-ful rose. Now my daddy eats like a horse, and my mommy just looks like one.” (little girl, about 5 or 6)
“My aunt told me just yesterday that my uncle James was ovulating. Again. I know! You’d think after all these years, he’d stop.” (lady on cellphone as I was ringing her up -argh!)
“Does this hat look good with my glasses?” (Lady, to friend, wearing hat she came in with… and no glasses)
(After offering to help a lady carry a rather large and bulky item out of the store): “Oh, yes, this is definitely a two-woman job. Honey, this lady could use your help!” and her husband comes over to help me.
I love my job. And I’ve only just begun! 
“You have to pay for them, whether they sit on your lap or not.”
Turns out they were talking about how you had to buy a ticket for your very young child to a baseball game even if they didn’t take up a seat., but that’s not what my first thought was.
“I know a guy who didn’t ever wash his car’s windshield. A few years later, Bam! Herpes.”
“In Communist Russia, moon lands on you!”
(I don’t remember where exactly I heard these. Sorry.)
“Is the cat loaded?”
“Cat is loaded.”
“Thank you.”
(I’m working on a production of Seussical. At the beginning of the show, a huge “Cat in the Hat” book is onstage, then it opens to reveal the Cat himself, frozen as if he’s part of the picture, then he starts to move and speak and sing, and step right off the page. Pre-show, we have to make sure the Cat is in the book.)
This happened in Japan, in Japanese, so I’m paraphrasing. Anyway, a boy, in a baseball cap, can’t be more than 11 or 12, is leaning against a fence surrounding a little sandbox. Five or six younger kids, probably ages 5-6 or so, are running around, yelling, and generally causing quite a commotion.
The boy gives a world-weary sigh and says, “Young kids these days sure have a lot of energy”.
I about lost my lunch laughing so hard.
I was at the grocery store and overheard an older lady talking to a guy.
older lady: “My daughter is very pretty, she’s lost a lot of weight.”
Since we’re on this topic… this site is fun to check out occasionally http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/
“I haven’t had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader”
I think it was the punch line to a joke. I overheard a middle school age child say this.
Heard this about a “not so good” band performance:
“It was like a sound-check for a Polyphonic Spree show!”
Look them up.
[disclaimer] I live in Santa Cruz. [/disclaimer]
Context: I’m walking down the street passing two gutterpunks apparently arguing over who is or is not drinking (or drunk) enough.
I’m waiting at a bus stop. There is a woman sitting on a bench and a young boy with her. The boy was very restless, kept running around, kicking objects on ground, etc.
The woman asked him to sit still a couple of times. When that didn’t work, she yelled, “Spatula! I’ve got two words for you and them’s be have.”
I thought it was hilarious that she thought ‘behave’ is two words. Then I thought it was even funnier that the kid’s name is Spatula.
“Well, I just pulled the lobster out of my ass.”
Said by my wife earlier tonight. She was referring to the dog’s lobster chew toy we bought in Florida. She was also referring to the fact she was sitting on the chair that it was in, therefore it was underneath her ass, not in it. I laughed anyways…
Brendon Small
My mom likes to spring random trivia questions on the family, because that’s the way my family works. This morning, my brothers were sitting at the table, eating lunch, when she asked this one: “John F. Kennedy’s vice president, who went on to be president after Kennedy was shot, was called LBJ. What was his wife’s name?”
My youngest brother replied, with a straight face, “Linda Beans Johnson.”
He knew it wasn’t right, but it cracked me up. Linda Beans Johnson! Hee hee hee.
My first time as stage manager, even though I had loads of experience as assistant stage manager, and running lights, and running sound, and shifting scenery, etc. - I was very nervous. So I’m calling cues and proceded to call “Standby followtwat cue 14”.
All of my crew were female. We were all trying so hard to keep going while silently laughing until tears ran down our faces.
A couple of months later we had Meredes Ellington as a guest director for “Ain’t Misbehavin’”. I’m again assistant SM and am telling someone the “followtwat” story when I hear a chuffing sound. We look around and Ms. Ellington is sitting behind us in the Green Room trying to control her laughter. When she saw she was caught, she said “I wasn’t evesdropping heeheehee but that is just so damned funny heeheehee and to have an all girl crew heeheehee”.
Uttered by an officer on a recent episode of Cops: Now let me get this straight, ma’am. Your mother’s fiance is your ex-boyfriend?