I took one look at this last part and just cracked up. Ahh the imagery, it will never leave me. It comes from his 2-16-79 column about Eskimos and snow. I found this through google on somebody else’s page then went to Cecil’s archive. Oh, one more thing, Cecil as we know and have been told is perfect so somebody else screwed up typing this sentance into the archive, you’ll see it when you get to it.
"In my spare time I have been attempting to construct an Eskimo sentence in my basement, such as will be suitable for the season. I have not get it perfected yet, but it is coming along pretty well, and with a little work it might pass for the genuine article. So far I have: kaniktshaq moritlkatsio atsuniartoq.
When completed, this sentence will proclaim: “Look at all this freaking snow.” At present it means: “Observe the snow. It fornicates.”
fornicating snow, heeheehee, snow copulating, heeheehee, oh boy am I gonna have good dreams tonight. Oh yeah, and on that other page they replaced freaking with … well … you know.
so what’s your choice for funniest thing Cecil said?
In a column about monks and vows of silence, Cecil got to talking about an order somewhere where the monks make these little animals and apply a coat of metal to them. The monks who are good at keeping their vows get to anondize (sp?) majestic animals such as lions and eagles. Then he went to say, “Loose lips, however, zinc sheeps.”
In the Straight Dope Vol.2, Cecil mentions that Hep Hep Hooray might come from Joe Hep, a 19th century Chicago saloon keeper. He later mentions that Mickey Finn might have been a 19th century Chicago saloon keeper, refers back to Joe Hep and states “19th century Chicago saloon keepers were obviously quite a crew.”
That line always makes me fall on the floor laughing.
In an article exploring whether Pacific islanders like Spam because it tastes like people, Cecil claimed it is popular there because it is easily stored:
“The popularity of Spam among Pacific islanders can be readily explained by the scarcity and expense of other types of meat and the lack or unreliability of refrigeration. Fresh meat is stored primarily in a self-propelled biounit known as a “pig,” which is only slaughtered for major occasions.”
Self propelled bio-unit! I’ll never look at a pig the same way again!
I always enjoyed the fornicating snow line, also. In fact, every time I shovelled my #&!%@ driveway this winter, I would find myself muttering, “Observe the snow. It fornicates.”
But I was delighted by the beginning of his answer to the question, “Is it true turkeys are so stupid they’ll stand in the rain with their heads back and their mouths open and drown?”
Cecil replied, “Fortunately, no, otherwise the godforsaken Chicago Cubs would never be able to field a team.”
That really tickles me, since that bon mot is poignant, clever, and has absolutely no relation to the question.
A few years ago, someone mentioned if men with excessive ear hair were more susceptible to cancer. Cecil responded that he’d had to wade through obtuse reports in medical journals, and as such, couldn’t give a definitive answer. He numerated the few facts of which he was absolutely sure (but without a "Hi Opal!).
"3. It sure is hard to figure out what medical authors are talking about when they keep using terms like ‘tragus’ and ‘pinna’ without telling you what they mean.
"8. You can get hairy ears as a result of using minoxydl, and boy, does it look gross.
"11. Some great mind is going to have to do a lot of this work over if we’re going to come to any firm conclusions about ear and nose hair.
I’ll volunteer the line from the “Drowning - Going Down for the Third Time” Classic column, after the querant mentions seeing this scenario frequently in animated films:
“[Scientists] do not, incidentally, watch the cartoons, which are not normally regarded as a source of reliable medical insight.”
In answering the question of why Europe and Asia are considered two continents when they are obviously one land mass, The Greater One (with all due respect to Jackie Gleason) wrote the Europe can be defined as “…the western peninsular appendage of the Eurasian landmass, which has the added benefit of sounding like a description of Yul Brenner’s wazoo.”
“Yul Brenner’s wazoo”…just typing that makes me laugh like hell.
The best question ever present, bar none, was “Dear Cecil: Did the Corinthians ever write back?” Now that is fucking funny.