Monkeys make use of artificial instruments of lust. Ford and Beach (1951) tell of a female chimpanzee of low morals and even lower intelligence who attempted to achieve carnal union with a mango.
(emphasis added)
While not directed at a person but rather a chimp, this sentence has always struck me as the soul of Perfect Master wit.
If you really want the whole columns, just plug a phrase into the search tool on the column archive page. Do you have to have your Internet spoon-fed to you?
One of my favorites was the letter from the guy who wanted to be a eunuch. He made a statement like “Imagine! Me, a eunuch.” Cecil’s response: “I’m having trouble imagining you at all, much less as a eunuch!”
“Lazar claimed he had a top-secret security clearance for this job. So what did Mr. Trustworthy do?”
I think that’s the last of them.
I was so sure when I started this thread that Cecil’s columns were overflowing with pointed but humorous namecalling by Cecil, especially when someone wrote in with an uppity comeback correcting an error in his column.
But I guess I was mistaken. Funny how you get an impression like that.
You are an idiot. There is this thing called a “joke,” Frank, that you should become acquainted with. A joke is a display of cleverness intended to engender yux. Some people, however, require advance notice if they’re to recognize a joke when they see one. In polite society it’s customary when in the presence of such people to signal the onset of a joke by means of some subtle stratagem, such as a siren, large firecracker, or gong. Clearly your so-called friends could stand a lesson in thoughtfulness
I swear, half the people in Baltimore must be bent. I have notes here from residents of that city who want to know (among other things) how to get a job as a gigolo, the world’s record for ejaculation volume, and who invented fellatio."
"Cecil replies:
Don’t snivel, Allan, we just had the floors waxed."
“Seems clear enough to me that some people lie because they profit from it, some fib because they’re sick, and some do it because they’re lying sacks of shit.”
I notice, Frank, that you hail from Baltimore, a city whose residents fall into one of two categories, in my observation: (1) persons of exceeding wit and ingenuity, and (2) complete idiots. Your letter, quite honestly, lends itself equally well to either proposition. Let’s start with the latter.