Cecil's greatest epithets

List your favorite things the Perfect Master has labeled people.
Include a brief bit of context, maybe the whole phrase or line.

Many great minds have wondered about this, Jane. Of course, so have many total prunepits, so don’t jump to any rash conclusions.

“If ignorance were corn flakes, you’d be General Mills” is oft-recognized as Cecil’s classic put-down.

Personally, I’m fond of the many times he wondered aloud what the hell is wrong with people from Baltimore.

Monkeys make use of artificial instruments of lust. Ford and Beach (1951) tell of a female chimpanzee of low morals and even lower intelligence who attempted to achieve carnal union with a mango.

(emphasis added)
While not directed at a person but rather a chimp, this sentence has always struck me as the soul of Perfect Master wit.

Carnal Union with a Mango…hmmm…band name?

“So there. See if I ever answer any of your questions again, punk.”

My favorite is still “1890’s Chicago saloon keepers were obviously quite a crew.”

“Remind me to explain the concept of a joke sometime.”

“Behold this creature that walks like a man. It wants ketchup on its hot dog.”

We need links too!

If you really want the whole columns, just plug a phrase into the search tool on the column archive page. Do you have to have your Internet spoon-fed to you? :wink:

:o Well, where’s the airplane?

One of my favorites was the letter from the guy who wanted to be a eunuch. He made a statement like “Imagine! Me, a eunuch.” Cecil’s response: “I’m having trouble imagining you at all, much less as a eunuch!”

Wasn’t there some poster who had “Eat shit and die” in his/her sig from one of Cecil’s rare sojourns into the boards?

“Lazar claimed he had a top-secret security clearance for this job. So what did Mr. Trustworthy do?”

I think that’s the last of them.

I was so sure when I started this thread that Cecil’s columns were overflowing with pointed but humorous namecalling by Cecil, especially when someone wrote in with an uppity comeback correcting an error in his column.

But I guess I was mistaken. Funny how you get an impression like that.

You are an idiot. There is this thing called a “joke,” Frank, that you should become acquainted with. A joke is a display of cleverness intended to engender yux. Some people, however, require advance notice if they’re to recognize a joke when they see one. In polite society it’s customary when in the presence of such people to signal the onset of a joke by means of some subtle stratagem, such as a siren, large firecracker, or gong. Clearly your so-called friends could stand a lesson in thoughtfulness

"Dear Aileen:

I swear, half the people in Baltimore must be bent. I have notes here from residents of that city who want to know (among other things) how to get a job as a gigolo, the world’s record for ejaculation volume, and who invented fellatio."

"Cecil replies:

Don’t snivel, Allan, we just had the floors waxed."

“Seems clear enough to me that some people lie because they profit from it, some fib because they’re sick, and some do it because they’re lying sacks of shit.”

All this windage expended upon inferior intellects is good for a smile and a chuckle, but Cecil is equally piquant when pithy. My favorite?

“Hush, cretin.”

“A Swiss bank account, dollface, is an account in a bank in Switzerland.”

“…It seems to me you could have noodled this out for yourself.”

I’ve had occasion to use that one several times.

A great line, but General Mills does not make Corn Flakes. Kellogg’s does.

I notice, Frank, that you hail from Baltimore, a city whose residents fall into one of two categories, in my observation: (1) persons of exceeding wit and ingenuity, and (2) complete idiots. Your letter, quite honestly, lends itself equally well to either proposition. Let’s start with the latter.