Apologies if the language is, um, a bit rough, but I just had to share this:
Subject: My third day on the job
I’ve finally gotten around to getting this out - enjoy some chuckles at my expense:
As you probably know, I tend to be pretty serious about hygiene (many would choose a more vulgar term, such as “anal retentive”). Brushing after every meal is important to me, so I can keep those shiny whites that my parents invested so much money on (for those ugly train tracks I had to wear on them for years) for as long as possible.
Anyway, during my first couple days at XYZ, I found it difficult to get up the courage to brush my teeth in the staff bathroom. It is a really nice one that looks like the bathroom in a hotel lobby or something. AND, I didn’t see any of the other people brushing their teeth there, so I was afraid that there might be another place where I was supposed to do it. The first two days I went in there, but there was always someone else washing their hands or something, so I couldn’t get up the courage to do it. On the third day, though, I had had enough. I was lucky enough to get in there when no one else was around. I brushed quickly, hoping that no one would catch me doing it. Then I heard a FLUSHH! and some guy came out of one of the stalls - BUSTED!
As the guy walked up to the sink, I slinked into corner, trying not to make eye contact. He rinsed his hands, bent over, horked in the sink, sipped up some water and gargled louder than I even thought possible. I was so shocked at the noise, I almost swallowed my toothpaste! From that day on, I have lost the fear of the bathroom - and brush with pride!
Later on that afternoon, I received a call - from nature, that is. I went to the stall for the first time, and to my pleasure I found that the toilets have heated seats and washlets/bidets installed on them. Wow, a nice alternative to the cheap stiff sandpaper-like toilet paper at the last place I was at - I’ve gotta try that, I thought.
After I was done, I tried the bidet. I pushed the start button - and was suddenly jolted by a super-strong stream of water that basically (don’t know how to avoid being crude on this one) went straight up my hoop. I yelped,
but had to sit there and endure the excruciating pain as I tried to figure out how to turn the damned thing off. I finally did, and luckily I am still here to share the story with you today. What surprised me is how pinpoint-accurate the stream of water was …
Here’s a response:
They’re so accurate because there’s a small camera under the seat and a guy in another room is looking at your ass through the camera and he guides the stream to hit the target (which, in your case, is extremely large).
First time I tried one of those was back in '91; I was at a friend’s house eating dinner with his family. I had always wondered what the buttons on the side of the toilet were for but I knew 0 kanji at the time so I wasn’t able to read any of the expanations. After excusing myself from the table to take a piss, I went to the bathroom and did my thing. I zipped up my pants, looked at all the buttons with curiosity, and stupidly pushed one of them while STANDING in front of the toilet. When my shock had subsided, I was still standing in the same spot except that I had a rather large wet spot right on the crotch of my pants. I couldn’t wait for it to dry, that would have taken too long. So, I did the next best thing: I searched for the DRY button that I knew there must be. I found it, first push actually. I then spend the next 10 minutes bent over the toilet in a rather strange position trying to get the stream of warm air to hit the wet spot. It didn’t dry it completely but I was afraid that if I stayed in the toilet any longer they would start to think that the food gave me the shits, so I daringly ventured back out to the dining room.
And yet another mail from the guy who wrote the first mail;
-----Original Message-----
Subject: And I thought Mondays were bad…
What a morning!
First, I had to be at the office early for an 8:30 meeting. I also had to get the garbage out, because a lot had piled up over the weekend. Of course, as always I underestimated the time it would take to get all the garbage out, so I jogged out the door, planning to drop it off mid-stride. I turned the corner where the garbage is picked up, slid on the road and landed right “smack” on my side. It would have been a good one to get on video because it was just like when a character slips on a banana peel in a cartoon.
I bent over to pick up the garbage, and noticed that my watch strap had broken. Well, no time to sit there and cry; I had a meeting to go to.
The train was a little late, so it turned out that I didn’t need to run in the first place - and when there is a train delay, the number of people crowded in there increases exponentially. I had taken out a pen, ready to start translating a piece on the train, but it was impossible to even move my arms at all. So, I had to hold the pen and paper in my hand the whole time.
When the doors opened, there was a mad rush for the exits (and other people trying to get in the train). When the air cleared, I realized I had lost my pen…
I got to the office at 8:28, but the meeting room was already full. I rushed in there, apologizing, but didn’t recognize any of the faces. My boss wasn’t even there (the division head was, though, so I thought I was in the right place). I don’t know much about what is going on yet, and I don’t really recognize too many faces yet. Anyway, a minute into the thing, I realized that I was in the SALES meeting!!! I couldn’t disturb the meeting again by getting up and leaving, so I sat there for the last five minutes. Then everyone left and the people for the meeting I was SUPPOSED to go to came in. During the meeting I had to stand up and introduce myself, and everyone started clapping after I sat down again.
I’ve got cuts on my hand and my wrist hurts (ahem, I know this sounds bad, but)… my report got out a little late… I lost the pen I just bought …
LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES! I am glad tomorrow if Friday…