I would have sworn there was a thread for this but I can’t seem to find it. Anyway I came across this this mourning and had to share:
I really did laugh out loud.
“Like distilled madness, the ghastly white fluid was of a viscous quality quite unlike anything that could truly be called ‘liquid’ by contemporary man.
This pseudo-fluid was contained, yet not contained, within a transparent barrier like the purest ice, yet its temperature was not cool. This container was not a square, but a thing of unnaturally precise curves.”
- a Lovecraftian description of a glass of milk, used as a sig on another forum.
And another sig I just ran across:
“If the facts are on your side, pound on the facts. If the law is on your side, pound on the law. If neither is on your side, pound on the table.”
Shampoo for my real friends and real poo for my sham friends.
or
You are unique. Just like everyone else.
mmm
The comedy of Mitch Hedberg is a gold mine for one-liners:
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
“This shirt is dry-clean only, so…it’s dirty.”
“If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
“No matter how much I play tennis, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
“I bought a seven dollar pen, because I lose pens a lot, and I was sick of not caring.”
“Last week I helped my friend stay put; it’s a lot easier than helping someone move.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
Not a Hedberg line, but a favorite of mine: “Why be racist, when there are so many perfectly valid reasons to dislike other people on an individual basis?”
Hedberg is a gold mine of one liners. Here’s a couple more:
-I haven’t slept for 3 days because that would be too long.
-Once I saw a wino eating grapes and I told him, “Dude, you have to wait.”
-I don’t have a girlfriend I just know someone who would get mad if they heard me say that.
Also on non-Hedberg old favorite:
-Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana.
“Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“In the fight against ignorance, somebody’s gotta play defense!” - Polycarp