The other day I was complaining about work to a friend and she told me to “Fart fire and save the matches.”
“WTF?!” - was my reply. “Whatever. That makes no sense. STFU”
Suddenly everyone at the table we were sharing started to look at me as if Big Bird just relieved himself on my shoulder. No one could believe I had never heard that one-liner before. I’m still convinced that she made it up just to shut me up but after asking around it seems that everyone has heard that one before but me.
To give everyone the short of the long I just wanted to know what are other little one-liners out there that might be your personal fav or others that just confuse the heck out of you.
Right now I think that my favourite is “If wishes were horses we would be knee deep in crap.”
I got most of mine from my grandmother, of all people.
If someone is stuck up: Oh that insert_name_here thinks her shit don’t stink.
If someone is fibbing/nuts: Oh he’s full of canal water.
Stuck up again: Oh look at insert_name_here up on his high horse.
I always try to picture the last one. You have a bunch of people on regular horses, then some guy riding around on a horse that stands about 20 feet tall, his high horse.
Mr. Bobkitty is fond of the “It’s like a monkey f—ing a football” line for the clueless, inept people out there. He usually shortens it to “Monkey and a football” for polite company. He also likes the “Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.” Again, shortened to “Wish in one hand…” for company and those who already know what he’s about to say.
I, on the other hand, after having seen 'Survivor: Australia" am personally fond of the ‘If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas’ line.
Both Mr. Bobkitty and I are therapists (well, he is… I’m in training) and love to teach people one-liners to break irrational habits. “And this is my problem how?” is an excellent conversation-stopper. Just keep saying it, over and over, til the other person gets the hint. “And what bizarre alternate universe are we living in this week?” is another, but not appropriate for schizophrenics.
I like to use the line from Jaws, when I recognize someone is using an inadequate resource on a tough job:
"You're gonna need a bigger boat."
And (this will give me away if any cow-orkers lurk here) we have a rather abrasive manager here, who is of Greek nationality, and who loves to use the phrase
It’s what my sister and I always say (often simultaneously) whenever someone says, “I think not.”
It’s the punchline to an old joke about philosopher Rene Descartes. He was on an airplane and the flight attendant asked him if he wanted coffee or tea. He said, “I think not,” and disappeared.
