your favourite one liner

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’m just like a ham but I can’t be cured.

My memory is so good I can remember the night I went out with my father and came home with my mother.

(It’s so futile…) It’s like trying to fertilize forty acres with a fart.

I’d rather owe it to you than beat you out of it.

If things were any different they just wouldn’t be the same.

(S/He’s…) Stranger than a snake’s suspenders.

(S/He’s…) Lower than a snake’s belly full of buckshot.

A few of my own:

If it weren’t for false modesty, I wouldn’t have any at all.

Never eat oysters when you’re lonely.

Sex is like a sports car, the faster you go the more often you wreck it.

22

“There’s no I in team… but there’s a ME”
“If there’s grass on the pitch, you gotta have a bat”

(Re: If a girl is old enough to have sex with)

23

If @ssholes had wings, this place would be an airport.

24

He/she’s a few french fries short of a happy meal. (Someone’s particularly inept)

It’s like teaching cats to swim. (An impossible task)

Thank you for that reading of the minutes of the board of the obvious. (Someone stated the obvious) (hehehee, I just stated the obvious) (Oh, I’ve done it again!) (Ok, time for bed)

25

Wow, that really takes me back. I haven’t orked a cow in years!

26

My favorite:
“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphillis in the dictionary.”

27

giggle
chuckles
muffled sounds hidden behind my hand
BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA…

wipes laugh tears Thanks, y’all. I needed that. ouch Guess my back’s not quite healed yet. trying not to laugh outloud again

Okay, Okay. I have a great one liner; most people don’t realize right away that it is one. A little background: an aggie is a Texas A&M Univ. student, renowned for their ‘stupidity’.

Did you ever hear about the aggie that was so stupid the other aggies noticed?
<Feel free to insert your own group/name/type/whatever.>

I also like to say:
But I don’t have my boots on today. <referring to the deep pile of manure someone’s dishing out>

A miss is as good as a mile. <my mom loved this one, especially when she’d vroooom into our driveway, missing the gate by mere inches on either side>

If it ain’t broke; don’t fix it!

Better to have and not need than to need and not have. <say that real fast, I dare you>

Perhaps it’s time to let out the Gecko. <long story, over in the Philippines we had a sign painted in jest, about one of the numerous geckos supposedly guarding our house and yard; it was soon around the neighborhood that we were hiding in the back a 7’ long monster Gecko who ate natives for a snack if they didn’t belong in our yard> <worked on my kids for years too ;)>

28

When someone …erm… passes wind, my mother always says “Better an empty house than a bad tenant.”

If you ever asked “What’s for dinner, Mum?”, she’d say “Duck under the table”.

I don’t know where my dad found her, but I’m sure she was a one-of.

If you happen to ask “Hey?” around my cousin, he always answers “Horses eat it - stick it up your @ss and they’ll follow you around the paddock”.

29

My now ex-boyriend used to drive me crazy with this one

Whenever I would ask “You know what?” He would reply with “No, I haven’t met him yet.” or " You keep talkin about this guy what."

I learned not to say it around him though.

30

If. If frogs had wings they wouldn’t bump their butts on the ground.

Personally, though, I enjoy the mixed metaphor one-liners:

The squeaky wheel gathers no moss.

No use crying over water under the bridge.

Once the shoe drops on the other foot, you can’t put the genie back into the can of worms.

And, penned by Berke Breathed:

You can lead a yak to water, but you can’t teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.

31

I think it was Denis Leary who said my favorite:

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I’d sit home with a pack of Marlboros and a short length of hose

32

I heard an extended version. Opinions are like assholes: everybody’s got one, and nobody wants to hear about yours.

33

My favorite is from Douglas Adams:

“If there’s anything here more important than my ego, I want it hunted down and shot!”

[sup]Happy 100, MrO![/sup]

34

Every time a calcium commercial mentions bone loss, my little brother will walk across the room, do an exaggerated stumble, and yell “Ohhhh I lost a femur!”

He’s been doing this since he was 8. Weird kid.

35

“There’s no I in team.”

“Yes that’s true, but there is an eat and a me.”

36

Which reminds me of a good friend of mine from college who was…sort of an interesting, if not ‘brilliant’ person. (Ok, Ok, he was dumb, but we loved him. Still do)

and he looked over at us one day, beer in hand, reclining, watching Talk Soup with us and said:

“You know what they say. Never punch a gift horse in the mouth”

and we all just said,

“right”

37

Circumstance has just called to mind another old standby:

“It works better if it’s plugged in.”

One would think that, working among other engineers as I do, I wouldn’t often need this one, but nooooo…

38

Like trying to herd cats

or

Like nailing jello to the wall

(Can you tell I get a lot of unreasonable demands?)

39

From Absolutely Fabulous:
“There you go again, mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.”
From elsewhere:
What fresh hell is this?
I will endure this subhuman driveling shit with a smile.
From my friend’s dad:
“It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”

40

If I weren’t so damn fat, I’d be Anorexic.