Just three that always crack me up:
A rolling stone rolls and rolls and eventually, just stops rolling.
You can lead a horse to water, and you can force water down it’s throat with a tube.
And my all time fav:
Boy’s about as dense as a sack of wet kittens.
Me too! My supervisor at work comes up with some good ones (on purpose, I’m pretty sure); my favorite one is:
I don’t want to open up that whole ball of wax.
Gets me giggling every time I think of it, and now it’s an inside joke among the tech team.
Oh, and Simetra’s post reminded me of a couple of others:
Sharp as a sack of wet mice (courtesy of Foghorn Leghorn)
Dumb as a sack of hammers
As much fun as a box full of wet napkins
Sharp as a bowling ball (Foghorn Leghorn again)
Hey! It’s Simile World! Everybody get drunk as a skunk and party like it’s 1999!
Some folks just stumble through life with only this bit of philosophy to guide them. Seems to work, though…
“If you can’t dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.”
…and you always think the other guy’s stinks
I have odd friends/coworkers. Couple of the best from them.
“It’s no shit off my teeth.” (Nope, don’t know what that’s supposed to mean either.)
“Hey, check out that girl! She may be sixteen, but she has the ass of a twelve year old!”
My favorite one-liner (and, admittedly, this is stupid) is a Fozzie Bear-ism:
“Her eyes said ‘yes, yes’, but she had no nose on her face!”
Always makes me laugh when said aloud.
My co-workers have one. If you ask “Where’s the whatchamaclit?” they always say the same thing.
“If was up your ass, you’d know!” Then they laugh. I don’t really get it…
Are they maybe suggesting that you are wasting your time, and that you might as well be loking for it up your a$$ as standing around asking them.
Are they maybe suggesting that you should quit asking and start looking?
mind you, i dont have a clue
Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Not the coldest drink in the refrigerator.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn’t have all of his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plates.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour warm water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Slinky’s kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
No grain in the silo.
Proof the evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pound.
Skylight leaks a little.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
A room-temperature I.Q.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
One celled organisms out score him in I.Q. tests.
Donated is body to science before he was finished with it.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be water twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
As a baby, was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long…
Another two liner, courtesy of my mom’s side of the family:
“Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.”
My dad saw a big group of drunken, crazy idiots at a street festival we were attending and he said:
There goes a circus lookin’ for a tent
A couple of my favorites:
And what color are the trees in your world?
Isn’t it sad when cousins marry?