Funny things kids say, part 12,092

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

When Geek Child #3 was about 4 years old, Mrs Geek got pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Mrs Geek was already embarrassed enough just for getting pulled over, but as the police officer is walking up to her car, Geek Child #3 and my nephew (who was also about 4) start singing “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do…”

About a year after that, Mrs Geek was driving me to the airport for a business trip, and a police car turned its lights on (wasn’t after us). Out of the back seat, we hear this little 5 year old voice say “Your ass is going to jail, Mom.”

22

My sister and I both had Bad Moments.

I attribute them both to watching The Sound of Music at pivitol times…but both me and my sister (and the incidents were about five years apart, so I could gape in horror at hers) have yelled out “SIEG HEIL!” in the middle of the shoe aisle at Kmart.

Seriously, I remembered that I’d done it when she did it. And we’re about as non-Nazi as you could get.

How do I feel about it? About twelve of these: :eek:

23

For a time after I started talking, I couldn’t pronounce the “tr-” sound. This was problematic, because I said “f-” instead. So what do little boys like to play with? FUCKS! I told everyone the firefuck was my favorite.

24

When he was 5, my son asked his aunt if she could massage his aching knee, “because I have miscellaneous growing pains.”

We think the concept he was trying to convey was “intermittent.”

25

I was taking our cat to the vet to get fixed. Along for the ride were my 2 kids and a gaggle of their friends.

They started to bemoan that if we fixed the cat she wouldn’t have kittens.

I explain that since the cat is an indoor cat and we have no other cats, this cat would not have kittens as she needed a boyfriend because kittens just don’t spontaneously happen.
The conversation took off from there with the kids, I focused on something else and then I heard my seven year old daughter:
" I wonder where the kitties come out?" Pause. " Maybe they shoot out of her mouth!"

I almost drove off the road and after I explained where the kitties do come out, the " Maybe they shoot out of their mouth" line has become the line du jour around here.

Future Doper

Last night, my husband returned from bringing our 9 year old home from football and picking up/dropping off a friend whose mom had hosted a softball party for her daughters team.

He brought home pie.
My daughter, patting the top paper plate that was used as protection for the pie, said quietly to the treat, " Pie warms my heart."

26

One more to even out the playing feild here at Casa Ujest:
Our 9 year old is in his first month of playing football. All his friends play. He is a lineman ( it was decided that he would be when we walked into wrestling practice back in January and all the dad’s with husky boys rushed over and asked us " He’s going to play football…he plays football, right?..that boy is a lineman… He is either a center/nose guard/right guard. One of the Non-Glory positions unlike all his friends who are fast puny little running back/quarterback pipsqueaks with small penii.
Anywhoooo.

He enjoys playing, hitting and the general chaos of it all. I think it is still sinking in, the rules of it, but he never says anything untoward this sport that he asked to play.
When I take him to practice, I hear from him, " I won’t play football next year…"

But I never get a reason exactly why and I reinforce it is his decision, but football is an excellent companion to his wrestling and wrestling will help his football. Peas and carrots…blah blah blah and both are good to help him clobber his sister. One does what they must to keep their children focused and on their toes. my daughter is half her brothers size and could easily take him. She is a jack russell terrier to his newfoundland. These are not your children.

He doesn’t do this with my husband at all. So, he asked our son what is up.

The exact words were, " The coaches don’t use positive reinforcement."

Now, the problem with Mr. Ujest is that he strongly lacking in the sarcasm and getting to the point department. He has the Lecture Gene. So he tells me the condensed version of the Lecture he gave our son on the ride home. I am pretty sure our son glazed over before the first inhalation of " When I was a kid…"

“See, that is where you went wrong. You gave him too many words.” I say to Mr. Ujest." You have to keep it simple and paint a picture."

“Yeah…how would you handle it.”

" It’s football practice, son, not a tea party."
From upstairs I hear his voice, " That would have been better that Papa’s jibberjabbering. Thanks mama!"

My son, let me show you him. Let me show you my son.

27

Love your kid.

When he was 8yo, my dad (who wasn’t my dad then, of course) got sent to another town, to spend the summer with some childless cousins of his mother and another nephew his same age. These were people he’d never met before. The first day at dinner, aunt offers him cookies; dad says “no, thanks.” “Oh but of course dear, here, have a pair,” and puts two cookies on his plate. The kid looks at her with this solemn face and says “when I say no, it means, exactly, no.”

And he was the easygoing one, of the five siblings…

My youngest brother claimed for the first time when he was about 9 and sticks to his guns to this day, that anything which took place before he was born is “prehistoric.” Sometimes he calls us, his older siblings, his prehistoric sister and brother.

28

I’m jealous. My kid only says “No!” and “Uh-oh”

However, we were introducing the concept of time out. The first day was a bitter hell. When she was starting to get the hang of it and realizing that by gosh golly, she was gonna stay in time out until the bell rang…I put her in her playpen…She gives me a look that would send the devil’s minions running in fear of her wrath…reaches down, snatches off her diaper and throws it at me.

For a kid that needs to go to a speech pathologist, she communicates entirely TOO well. To quote a friend “You spend the first two years trying to teach them to walk and talk and the next 18 years telling them to sit down and shut up.”

In the “Manipulation Begins Early” category, she recently learned to crawl out of her crib. She knows she gets put back in her crib when this happens. The kid has figured out if she crawls out of the crib, crawls into mommies bed and gives her a kiss…well…gee…she’s so darned cute!

Sucker Mom.

29

And GET BACK IN BED!* or GET OUT OF BED**

*Children under 12

**Teenagers.

30

I’ll save a place for her aboard my ship. :wink:

(If I don’t have / can’t remember any stories of my own, can I tell the ‘provinces’ bit from Rick Mercer’s Talking to Americans?)

31

I think I’ve shared this before, but one morning, I was stumbling around, getting ready for work, and my son looked up from his cereal, peers suspiciously at his father, and says,

“Dad, did you and Mom have sex last night?”

I whipped my head around in horror as my husband smothers laughter and says, “Why do you ask?”

“Cuz Mom’s tired and you’re in a good mood.”

32

My four year old son went to the aquarium with my sister. This was the second time she took him, so he remembered a good part of it. And while they were waiting in line to get in he recited all he exhibits and his opinion of them. My sister commented that he had a good memory. He stated, and I quote:

“When I was born I took my Mom’s memory. And my dad’s patience.”

She did have a wonderful memory before we had kids, though I will be damned if I know how he knew.

33

I was at a party at a friends house a few years ago when his 5yo daughter marched through a room full of people, stood right in front of me, looked up at me with a huge smile… and bellowed out, “I have a vagina!”

34

And bless her heart for being so proud of it!

35

when i was little, my mom took me to see “the neverending story” in theaters. i was around three or four (or maybe two. or five? i dont remember when it came out, but it was somewhere around there. let’s say three.)

in the beginning, when the boy and his dad are in the kitchen making breakfast and it becomes apparent that his mom is dead, i announced to the entire theater “well. i guess now it’s just two little penises running around!”
another time, while dining out: my mom noted that our waitress was a very large woman, and knowing my big flapping mouth, she warned me “now, yams!!, let’s not say anything about the waitress being fat, ok? we dont want to hurt her feelings.” i agreed, and when the waitress came over, i did not mention anything about being fat. instead i asked her why she had such big nipples.

love
yams!!

36

standing ovation for YumemiSama’s well-endowed dad :slight_smile:

37

You, quite frankly, have the most exciting user-name ever.
This can’t really compare to the gut-busting stories here, but it’s cute.

My cousin is 3 and still trying to work out the concept of aging. Recently they’ve been spending a lot of time at great-grandma’s house. It occasionally requires conversations such as how sometimes when people get old, they get sick and sometimes feel grouchy because they don’t feel very well.

One day my cousin looks up at my grandmother (who is actually 47) and says, ‘‘Grandma, are you old?’’

My grandma says, ‘‘Well, I’m old like your Grandma Marge (paternal grandma), not like Great-Grandma.’’

‘‘Oh,’’ says my cousin. ‘‘You’re the good kind of old.’’

38

My 4 year old daughter was watching me put on my lip gloss this morning and asked if she could have some “glip glop” too.

39

I’ve been trying to be good around my 17 month old and not swear, but one day, I was in the bathroom (about 50 feet and 3 rooms away) and stubbed my toe. So I yelled “Fuck”. Apparently it was pretty loud because my husband came in to tell me that they heard me out there and right after I said it, my daughter said “uck, uck!”. Whoospie!

It’s not exactly a swear, but she heard me say “crap” and then she said “cap”. It’s not even all that funny, I suppose.

My favorite “kid swearing” story is from when I was a teenager and was babysitting a 3 year old boy. Instead of “fish”, he’d say “shit”. So the neighborhood kids would get him to say things like “I like to fish”, but it would sound like “I like to shit”. His dad liked to go fishing quite a bit, so he’d say, “I’m going fishin’ with my dad”. Just replace fishin’ with shittin’ and you’ve got yourself some lowbrow comedy. :smiley:

40

I like this kid. :smiley: