“Well- it’s a hole in the ground with water in it.”
My grandfather had a few of these, but the only one I can remember right now:
Did you know you can’t hang a man with a wooden leg?
You have to use a rope.
My Grandfather used to recite in a voice low with doom -
The train is coming, ka-chunk-a-lunk.
A mile a minute, it has to make.
A big black snake with flaming eyes
That wiggle and waggles along the ties.
xxxxx(forgot this part)xxxxx
Sparks are falling, a fiery rain.
The tunnel is waiting to swallow the train.
Goodbye, goodbye, tomorrow to come again.
Dating advice:
Don’t drink, smoke or chew
Or go with girls that do.
Geography:
Momma: Look at that hill over there, isn’t it pretty?
Daddy: Yup, it’s a butte.
Poetry:
Fleas
Adam had’m.
Reminds me of another one. It wasn’t my parent who said it, but Mom told me about it.
One of the neighborhood kids (Rick) was about to go on his first date. He was 15 or 16, and his mother suggested to her husband that some fatherly advice might be in order. Later, she told my mom what happened.
Rick’s father, a no-nonsense, huntin’ and fishin’ and drinkin’ kind of a guy, took Rick aside and imparted these words of wisdom: “Don’t let your pecker be your guide.”
That was it. Those seven words were all he had to say.
That’s not to the tune of “Reville,” it’s to the tune of the bugle “Assembly” call.
:smack: I should have known that.
they had a similar topic on radio a while ago, someone called in and said that when she asked her dad what he did, he told her that he worked in the hundreds and thousands factory painting the hundreds and thousands.
In the northern territory here there are massive termite nests by the sides of the roads, one guy told his kids they were dinosaur poop.
Adam and Eve and Pinch Me
Went down to the river to bathe
Adam and Eve were drowned
Who do you think was saved?
“I see,” said the blind man,
As he picked up his hammer and saw.
Knock knock
Who’s there
Peter
Peter who
Peter night before you go to bed.
(Pee tonight, took me embarrassingly long to get it.)
Dad: "Let’s get going, Shadrach, Meschach, and tobedwego!"
It’s referencing Abednego in the fiery furnace story and my Dad would yell it to get us going to bed.
The first time I heard those names I thought they were “Shadrack, he back to Mexico.” [Shrug]
My dad’s witticisms – I’ve heard them all dozens of times, but I think he’s retired from the comedy game now:
(Whenever we were having peas for dinner) “Take a pea.”
Me: “Dad, I’m too tired to walk!”
Dad: “Why don’t you run instead?”
Me: “I have a headache.”
Dad: “Amputation is the only cure.”
Me: “Can I get a ride to XYZ?”
Dad: “I’ll give you a ride on the end of my toe.”
My dad, presented with an unknown object; “It’s a wing-wang for a ducks ass”
Any object that can be used two ways is bisexual.
I use both of these. 
When we asked Dad to tell us a bed time story, he always started thusly:
Once upon a time,
When pigs were swine,
And monkeys chewed tobacco,
*And hens took snuff to make them tough, *
And ducks went quack, quack, quacko;
I’ll tell you a story
About Jack and a Nory
And now my story’s begun;
I’ll tell you another
About Jack and his brother,
And now my story is done.
Mom said if you sleep with dogs you will wake up with flees. She also told me we have daylight saving time so the farmers had more time in the fields.
Didn’t understand the first and couldn’t understand why a farmer would care what time it was. 
From my maternal grandmother-
Beauty’s only skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone.
Also, sung to the tune of “Here Comes The Bride” or whatever it’s called:
Here comes the bride
All fat and wide
See how she wiggles
From side to side
Here comes the groom
Go get the broom
I’m not sure of the last line, and I don’t remember the finish.
My Grandparents started this, but my folks used to do it too:
(after mealtime)
Well, I ate sufficient.
You went a’fishin’?
I said I ate aplenty!
Ya caught twenty?!
Poor old soul…
Ya lost yer pole?!
I like this thread.
*Here comes the bride, here comes the groom;
The groom doesn’t know it but he’s marching to his doom! 
*
or, as I used to mutter when I had been waiting for a bus and it finally came:
Here comes the bus
Covered with pus.