Some people can become very annoying when drunk, but some can also become very funny. I was at a Halloween party on Saturday and one of our friends was just killing us with what he was saying. He was totally blitzed and was just pulling crazy things out of his ass. Some memorable lines:
“I know what it’s like to be treated like garbage. When I used to live out behind the KFC, guys would come and piss on my face because they thought it was a garbage bag.”
“I’ll fuck everyone in this house for two more beers!”
“I can do anything. I would put my head through the wall right now, if it wasn’t my buddy’s house.”
One mutual friend, who has pretty-boy good looks, came dressed as Bin Laden. Drunk Buddy called him “Osama Bon Jovi” all night.
I used to have a firend that loved to go to parties, get really trashed, and usually end up hurting herself, though never on purpose. It was my mission to keep her out of trouble.
One night, she wanders up to me, moaning in pain. ::sigh:: Ok, kiddo, what happened? “Don’t know.” Well, where does it hurt? “Four.” Four? “Four.” (She holds up four fingers.) I don’t understand. Four what?
She just repeats four a few more time. Finally, she looks up, grins in sudden understanding, and says proudly, “Fore…head!”
…
Maybe it’s funnier in person.
(She turned out to be fine, although I can’t say I miss enabling her self-destructive ways.)
A friend of mine made a short film called Alptraum. When he was writing it, a drunk came up to him and said (in a heavy Louisiana accent):
“Hey, mister? Hey mister? I was just feeding them rats over there, and ya know what? They can talk! That’s right! Talking rats! Say, can you spare a quarter?”
Towards the beginning of my freshmen year of college one of the baseball players was pretty hammers and pulled the downspout off the side of the dorms (about the last 10 feet of it anyways) and tried to do the Ricola thing with it, except instead of Ricola, he spent a half hour yelling “Ukelele” though it. He managed to wake up quite a few people and it’s the first and only time I (and all the other people out there) was ever kicked inside.
Same school same year, different person…
Someone to a drunk named Derek: “Hey man, you’re really drunk”
Derek: “naaaaw man, I not drunk, I’m Derek”
Guy: “I know you’re Derek, but you’re really really trashed”
Derek: “I’m not trashed, I’m Derek”
By the way, Derek is normally a very quite guy, but this was one of the first time’s he had ever drank, he was quite entertaining that night
Lois to Peter “You can only play piano when you’re drunk”
Peter “That’s not true, I can also fall down, vomit and make passes at your sister”
(I got it wrong I’m sure, but it’s one of my favorite lines)
In a voicemail message left by one of my friends to a mutual friend, whom he didn’t know was out of town:
“Maggie*! This is George*! (humming and singing) That was the theme to (long pause) . . . Maggie! Where are you at? 'Cuz if you don’t get home by midnight, your slippers are going to turn into pumpkins. Za’right. Pumpkins.”
It’s funnier when you realize that he was humming and singing a mixture of Disney songs. We think.
I was at a bar awhile back and had to take a leak…in the john this drunk bastard was having trouble and looked at the guy standing next to him and asked,
“hey dude can you give me a hand with this?”
We just looked at each other… I couldn’t help myself…I laughed all the way back to the pool room.
