Partially through a full night of drinking this past weekend, my often hilarious housemate says:
“Tonight feels like a night that I sleep in my pants.”
I just couldn’t stop laughing and even wrote it down so that I would remember it in the morning.
Others that I can remember at the moment:
“I’m like a big, cuddly, alcoholic teddy bear.”
Anyone else got anything? I need a laugh.
-duffman
“Let us out! Let us out!”
Explanation: I found these three drunks just inside my dorm building, scrabbling at the glass to get out. They were so screwed up that they couldn’t figure out that there’s a bar on the door handle that you have to push in to open it.
I made 'em dance before I opened the door. 
Bernse - Jumps in Taxicab in front of the bar after being in it for 6 hours or so
“Driver! Please take me to 6902-95 street!”
Funny part - It was a cop car I jumped into.
Really funny part - They took me home 
“I’ll get in the pool but I won’t get in the pool!”
A good friend in an advanced state of intoxication upon being exhorted to jump in the swimming pool in order to clean the vomit off of himself.
maybe not so funny:
My friend used to sit on the kitchen counter and “pretend” to be a psycho. He would test the blade of a large kitchen knife and sing church (?) songs:
“if you are a troubled child. Come and sit with me”
etc.
He had a really good “troubled child” face. Now that I read this, it doesn’t sound very funny.
“Hello Occifer.”
The all too common ones:
“I’m not just saying this because I’m drunk.”
“You’re like my brother (sister, father, etc).”
“I am not drunk.”
also,
goes into bathroom, looks into mirror, says “that man has drunk too much” and bursts out laughing histerically.
Said by a Randon Drunk Party Guy[sup]TM[/sup]: “There is no such funner thing as stupid stupidity.”
Right on, buddy. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
-Dirty
I’ve been using this as a sig on and off:
Damn! I’ve forgotten to not become drunken again!
Then there’s, “Being drunk is the best feeling in my poor world.”, a direct quote from the source of the inspiration of the first.
check out the funny, funny world of Drinky Crow here: http://www.maakies.com/frames/archiveframe.html
see the old stand-by sig as well, below!
I had a girlfriend who once told me, “you’re so cute when I’m drunk!”
“I hate it when I have to ask other people if I had a good time.”
“Is it Friday yet?” “No, you slept through Friday.”
I won a Jim Beam tent in a giveaway at a bar once. I was too drunk to remember. People tell me I was hugging my tent, yelling “I’m going camping” over and over again.
My girlfriend got drunk one night. She leaned over to one of my friends and the following conversation ensued:
GF “Hey, I have to ask you something”
F “What’s that?”
GF “Are my lips still on?”
F “Uhhhh, yeah, they are still on. Where would they have gone?”
GF “I don’t know. I might have lost them in a car accident or something.”
(When she drinks, she says her lips go numb. I guess she thought they had left completely this time)
I don’t exactly remember the context, but I remember trying to impress my friends by telling them what I had learned in ‘schollege’.
The irony was not lost on them.
My high school buddy once said:
I’m fucker’n hell!
One time at a party, someone told the following joke:
“Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?”
“Cause it was dead!”
Being very confused, I asked “Which one? The monkey or the tree?”
Didn’t feel so good the next morning either.
An old soccer teammate of mine said once "This doesn’t taste like juice… it tastes like orange juice.
The catch - she was sober!
Since I’m not a drinker, my friends value me for both my designated driver status and my ability to wake up the morning after a party. On the night after a big party, I woke up about 8:00 and went to work in the kitchen, emptying beer bottles and ashtrays and starting on Bloody Mary duty. One of the very hungover stumbled down the stairs shortly afterward.
Me (handing him a glass): A little of the hair of the dog that bit you?
Him: Oh, thanks darlin’. My dry is so mouth you could strike a tongue on my match.
Both of us: <blink, blink>
Wife: You’re getting kinda drunk, I think you might have a problem…
Bobo: Yes, I have a problem… there’s a noise in the room while I’m trying to enjoy this beer…
I didn’t hear the end of that comment for a long time (deservedly, it was something of an asshole comment… but come on, it’s friday, I don’t have to get up in the morning, lemme let my hair down a bit… even though I don’t have any)
(ps, shaved head and proud… no affiliation with any morons that wear sheets… I just don’t like my hair, so it went away)
Wait!!!
Wait!!!
Wait!!!
OKAY!!!
OKAY!!!
…ONE MORE…
…AW…DUDE!!..I quaffed that last shot…
DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME MAN!!! !!! THERE REALLY IS A DOG!!!
OR MAYBE I AM JUST A DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC STAYING UP ALL NIGHT WONDERING OF THERE REALLY IS A DOG…
“Dude, dude, listen. No, shut up! Dude. You know what would suck? It would suck if you were a garbageman and there were no dump.”
Come to think of it, that one wasn’t exactly a drunk quote.