“Dude! You’re so cool! You pissed in the sink!”
Someone said this to a friend of mine who is about 5’3" and very wide(but not fat):
Drunk Guy: You’re the shortest guy I’ve met who’s also the widest.
So it was New Years and I was getting drunk with my then-boyfriend’s family. After getting rah-ther toasted, my BF and I stumbled up the stairs to his room and, well, take part in the time-honored drunk tradition of sloppy drunken screwing. Loudly.
But the quote isn’t from one of us. After we were done, and were kickin’ back in bed, BF’s stepfather comes up the stairs, knocks on the door, and asks, “You guys okay in there?”
… okay, so it was funny at the time …
A friend trying to talk to me when I was drunk:
Friend: “Hey do you know…”
SHAKES: “Well of course I know !. I know everything! And that which I do not know aint worth know’n anyway.”
Hilarity ensues.
I was at a party once at my cousin’s house where I met this girl who had had a bit too much to drink. We went up the stairs to get something and chilled out there for a while. On the way back down the stairs, after declaring very loudly “I not drunk, I sweaw!!!” she started singing to the tune of Row, Row, Row your boat. The song basically consisted of "Down Down Down the staiws, down the staiws we goooooooooooo, merrily merrily down the staiws, down the staiws we go.
Another time I was drinking with some friends and someone got piss drunk. We took her to the bathroom and put her in a cold shower for a while. We stayed there with her and kept asking her questions to keep her awake until she sobered up a bit. She had taken her SAT’s that morning, and the conversation went went a bit like this:
Me: Ok what’s your name?
Drunk girl: five times five is twennyfive
Friend: No, no, your -name-
Drunk girl: 1.41412
Friend: Alright, do you know where we are?
Drunk girl: Ahhh it’s fuin cold…my boobs are cold! Turn off the fuin water… ::mumble mumble:: five times five ::mumble mumble::
It was pretty scary at the time but everything turned out well so now we have all have a good laugh about it from time to time. We moniter what the girl drinks around us from now on, if we give her anything to begin with.
“doesn’t the sea look bigger now that the tide’s in?”
“this coconut milk tastes kind of…nutty…Oh!”
“So, how do you cook avocados?”
“I don’t remember the Plug Bar before they built it”
(Only works in the UK):
“Good cunting, evestable.”
Yo! Joey G!
I’m in Murfreesboro, too.
Heard about the Nashvegas SDMB get together?
This is also related to the most disgusting thing I ever encountered in college.
At the end of our annual Beach Party (truck in sand and spread it on the floor, everyone wear’s loud shirts and drinks too much rum), I stumbled my way back up the steps of my fraternity house and noticed a line of guys in the hall. Not that unusual - there was only one bathroom. I then noticed through my haze that the line was coming out of my bedroom. It seems that someone had talked a very drunken co-ed into providing entertainment for the masses and, like Goldilocks said, my bed was “just right.” I put an end to the festivities, and disappointed about a dozen guys in line, when I said “I don’t care where you fuck her, just get her the hell out of my bed.”
That taught me to never, never, never leave your room unlocked during a party.
And the previous post teaches me to never, never, never get drunk at a frat party. Not that I ever would anyway.
I know there are women who honestly can consent to that kind of activity, but I must say the “ick” factor is way up there in this scenario. Most disgusting indeed.
Even more disgusting was the fact that this girl wore her notoriety for the practice as a badge of honor.
When asked if he knew how much trouble he was in by an officer, a friend replied:
“Yeah, you might as well stick a big dick in my ass.”
Same convo, when the cop asks him if he knows what the date is:
“Well, it’s 7 o clock in military time…”
After reading a page in Maxim, I mentioned to a friend:
“If you use this guy’s penis cream, he’ll give you his Diablo.”
(It was a lot funnier since I kind of interrupted a conversation
we were talking about something illegal, not sure now but my friend said:
“I need Jail!”
Yep,I hope to be there. My drunk tent-winning quote was at Harvey Washbangers.
My mother has told me the story of two of her associates getting schnockered in a bar when two cops walked in for a routine premises check. One of them goaded the other, saying: “I bet I can get that cop’s gun before you can get that cop’s gun.” The second drunk knew there was something wrong with the proposition, but couldn’t figure out what.
A friend related to me how she and her buddies, under the influence of alcohol and a few other things, decided to go to the beach and watch the sun rise over the ocean.
It was about 9 am before they connected the fact that the sun had yet to appear over the ocean with the fact that they were on a California beach and thusly, facing west.
I was holding steadfast to the traditional drunken-campfire-scary-story-telling, but my wife was a little to out of it to understand what was going on. Halfway through she interupts the story:
“wait…wait…I dinnint shee that movie…what happensh to us?”
We put her to bed soon afterwords.
The tough part about drunken humor is that, for the most part, you had to be there, and in the same condition.
Once, I told a very, very drunk friend who brought me another beer that he was “Three sheets to my bitch.”
I went up to Pittsburgh to attend my best friend Kevin’s graduation from Carnegie-Mellon. We of course got absolutely BOILED.
The time: Somewhere in the area of 2:45 AM
The place: Outside the entrance to a corner bar, literally the entrance was on the corner.
And…ACTION!!
Kevin comes walking/staggering out of the bar, walks straight into a lamppost, gonging his head rather nicely.
Turns to me and says in a very slurred voice, “I only weigh 150 lbs, and I can’t handle my liquor.”
At my college, campus security (known as Safety and Security or “S&S”) would pick up ANYONE who they saw wandering the campus drunk and take them to the health center (who would then charge you $500 for the night’s lodging). Needless to say, none of us wanted to partake of this bit of hospitality. One night after some rather heavy drinking, some friends and I were walking home someone spotted a S&S vehicle and shouted:
“Everyone, find vertical! Imitate it!”