At my college, campus security (known as Safety and Security or “S&S”) would pick up ANYONE who they saw wandering the campus drunk and take them to the health center (who would then charge you $500 for the night’s lodging). Needless to say, none of us wanted to partake of this bit of hospitality. One night after some rather heavy drinking, some friends and I were walking home someone spotted a S&S vehicle and shouted:
“Everyone, find vertical! Imitate it!”
My RA decided that since there’s a law about driving with open containers, she’d enlist those of us who were 21 to help her “get rid of” a large bottle of vodka she had. Three of my friends and I said ok, the other girl and I had yet to get drunk, so we figure she and the guy were safe people to experience the state with.
The weird part was she was a lot taller and heavier than either of us, but she got drunk way faster. Some of the gems out of her mouth:
" You guys can’t tell me to shut up, I’m you’re RA!"
" You think I’m drunk, but I’m really drunk!"
<banging on the wall> " Colleen! Colleen! It’s a good thing you went home for the weekend, or you’d kick my ass for pounding on your wall!"
Then she ssshed us and did the “scooby doo” big crouching steps walk to her room for something… :smack:
I myself managed to amuse fellow drunk coworkers and the army guys we’d gone bar hopping with the next year with my own witty comment. One of the army guys asked us to guess what he had in his pants, then pulled out a ball with a smilie face on it out of his pocket. People laughed quite hard when I very seriously informed the table that " he just wanted to give us a little head." 
Not really a funny quote, but a funny incident…
Back in the 80s, my best friend was a New Rom/Goth fashion plate to the max. One of the clubs we frequented was on the bank of the canal; we stumbled out one night and Kevin fell into the canal. Over a thousand dollars of clothes and his long, bleached hair soaked with filthy, smelly canal water! I was so drunk I could only plop my ass down on the bank and laugh uproariously–
Whereupon he looks up at me, lower lip trembling, and declaims in true Goth fashion, “You suck!”
Last winter my boyfriend and I got plastered with out next door neighbor. The b/f, when he’s drunk, has a tendency to keep talking and talking and talking, while I have a tendency to get horny. So I’m lying naked on the bed waiting for him and periodically calling his name out our door. Finally he comes in, sways over me for a moment and slurs, “I’m sorry. I’m too drunk to have sex,” then promptly falls face down on the bed, out cold.
I laughed so much I fell out of bed.
Homer’s Monkey Butler.
My first clue that I’m getting drunk is that I hear myself saying “I can’t feel my teeth.”
“OK everyone who doesn’t live here needs to leave because we are all out of new lamps.” Towards the end of a frat house party. This was because I accidentally invited some drunk guy in from the street, whom I was telling, he seemed to be way drunker than me. Well, I was right because he knocked over the coffee table breaking a lamp while on the way down from passing out on the couch. Everyone was like “who is this guy? Did he come with you?” No one could figure out where he came from, I didn’t tell. That must have been a fun night, I woke up with these gumball thingys off of a tree (spiky little balls/like pinecones)all tangled in my hair. I would have been worried, but I remember falling down in the front yard just before inviting the destructive stranger into this frat house. I learned so much in college.
Haven’t read the whole thread yet, but after the title and the first couple posts I have to relate this:
College roomate’s 21’st birthday party. Started drinking in the apartment. Once we were all slightly sloshed we walked down the street to a local bar. Continued drinking. Everyone buying shots for my roomate. He’s a big guy, thus can usually hold his liquor well, but this was shot after shot for a few hours…
At this point people were buying the most random drinks they could think of for him.
Now, picture a packed bar, in a college town on a weekend… There’s my roomate in the middle of what would be the dance floor, if anyone was dancing… shouting at the top of his lungs:
Apparently, someone had bought him a buttery nipple. It’s been years and he still hasn’t lived it down.
Not exactly a quote, and not exactly drunk, but I was just sitting in a pub, on my second double Laphroaig, thinking, “If everyone drank whisky, the world would be a better place.”
Hey, it might!
“Run Mom Run!!”
After finding out a friend of mine (Chris) was on the phone with my mom, I ran at him grabbed his cell phone and tryed to run to the bathroom with it, thinking he was running after me. Well I triped on the rug and im told I yelled…Run Mom Run…into the phone then held the phone as far away from my body as I could so my mom could get away from Chris. He walked up and took the phone from my hand and walked away.
I vaugely, only vaugely, fuzzily, dimly, remember being underaged my junior year of college and being dragged by my ex-roomate, not having had dinner, to the local bar and plied with alcohol because “You never get out!” Okay, so it was three drinks. Heavy ones! Okay, so I was not an experienced drinker. And like I said, I hadn’t eaten since that morning. So it was her responsibility to carry me home on her back, with me yelling “Go, horsy! Yee haw!” And then as we crossed the President of the college’s driveway, “Woah up, horsy. D’you think the bitch saw us?” Said bitch was getting out of her car maybe five feet away.
It was a small college, too. She remembered me. Well. Asked me how I was the next day. Eek.
Sort of the opposite: bunch of us were all drunk off our collective a*ses one day in a bar. Except for one guy - amongst all the merriment, he suddenly said in a totally serious and sober manner,
“Did you know that Mr Royce, of Rolls Royce, once filed a perfectly hexagonal nut by hand?”
For some reason we found that hilarious.
on the weekend before my 21 my friend through me a big party (with a keg and all). unfortintly it never got to big so we went looking for a party. thinking that more people might show up while we were go, my friend wrote a letter for any gests and taped it to the door. that letter said “went out. you come in. the ferg is outside.” we only found out when we found the letter the next morning. and you thought i was a bad speller.[
Two of my friends, after about 20 beers between them…
Two of my friends, after about 20 beers between them…
Friend 1: “We’re just a little buzzed!”
Friend 2 : “Yeah just a little buzzed!”
We still laugh about it… being that that’s one of the only things they remember saying that night.
This is really amusing.
Sitting in a bar once, listening to a nearby conversation, I hear one lady tell her friend, “You’re drunk.”
The second lady said, “Of course I’m drunk. I’m still drunk. I’m hung-over drunk.”
During the tail-end of high school, some of my friends had started getting into drinking, and one in particular was crazy about it. At another friend’s cabin in the woods, we were cooking burgers and had made a great big campfire. Well, my drunken pal first realized he lost his lighter, so he would run the 3 miles home to get another one. After running him over and dragging him back to the cabin, he had a better idea. Hanging the cigarette out of his mouth, he bent over and stuck his face into the campfire to light it. A few moments later he realized it was hot, so ran over and dunked his head into a barrel of cold, moldy water that was for putting the fire out. Later, he felt hungry and grabbed one of the burgers that had been sitting out for the past six ours, felt it was cold, and decided to stick it into his armpit until it warmed up. He then sang the “Birdy Song.”
There are plenty more, of course, but they’ll take even more explaining.
After the Tequila-drinking-fiasco of 1998TM my fiance and I were driving home with our gay frien Matt and his boyfriend Vick. My fiance’s online nickname at the time was Jeff-Boyardee. Jeff, being VERY VERY drunk says to Matt “Would you like to see my beefy ravioli?”
Vick and I were getting coffee in Tim Hortons when it happened, but when we came back and got in the truck, Matt was doubled over laughing. I wish I had been there to see that one. Jeff is a pretty funny guy to begin with, but when he’s drunk he’s hilarious.
This statement intrigues me. Tell me more…
One night after a gig my bandmates and I went to a party at a motel. A couple hours after we showed up at the motel I decided, for some reason, to go sit in the grass outside the room. It was a foggy night. I tripped on the way out. I gathered myself and looked up and said “Holy S***, the Moon is moving backwards.” There was a full moon that night and I mistook a distant streetlight for the moon in the fog. My bandmates and about 20 other people heard me say that and I didn’t live it down untill…
A year or so later my band had just finished our set on a Sunday night and the bar was pretty empty. We had downed a bunch of beer during the last set. We walked off the stage and my Bass player, Pete, and I walked up to the bar. Pete walked up, sat down and turned to the girl sitting next to him. The girl was wearing a very thin shirt and her nipples were, well, standing at attention. Pete turned to her, looked at her chest, looked her in the eye and without batting an eye said to the girl “You must be really cold”. The girl slapped him and walked off. I, and a couple of people next to Pete, started laughing. After a minute or so Pete then responded with “Hey, why did she get mad? I was just stating a fact.” For about 6 months after that anytime someone would mutter “I was just stating a fact” I would lose it.
Slee
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them
Doctor says mango vodka does not count as my daily serving of fruit. Damn.
thinks our friendship is bad for my liver.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’sthe thirteenth or fourteenth…
ENJOY!!!:)
Ah shit. Zombie drunk. nm
B-l-a-a-i-i…(hic)