I get that sometimes, and was wondering, is there a “right” way to answer that? I tend to just stand there and put on my “Boy, I’m talking to an idiot” grin.
Try: “Funny, you don’t LOOK stupid.”
I prefer, “funny, you don’t look like a bigot.”
Funny, you don’t smell like an asshole.
“I had the horns removed. It’s amazing what they can do with plastic surgery these days.”
Miss Manners would recommend a brief shocked look, then, with a completely blank face, a cool “Really? How kind of you to mention it.” Then, either change the subject or drift away towards more congenial company. The beauty of Miss Manner’s method is that it conveys social disgust in a perfectly polite fashion. I travel in military circles and, for the sake of my husband’s career, must always be polite, so this is the method I use to deal with stupid bigotry. According to the situation the second phrase can be adjusted. The “how kind of you” variation is perfect for inappropriate personal remarks. I use “I haven’t found that to be the case” for bigoted remarks directed at people other than myself. The important thing is your expression and your tone – if the shocked and blank faces are executed properly and the cool voice is frigid enough the victim just slinks away properly chastened. Don’t leave out the “Really?” BTW – said correctly it conveys, “How stupid you are!” perfectly AND politely.
Of course, if you aren’t worried about being polite, I would recommend Meephead’s suggestion. Love it, Meephead!
Perhaps revenge is not the best approach. Maybe a better tact would be to point out some of the famous people that do not look “Jewish”, such as William Shatner, Sammy Davis Jr.,etc. After all, aren’t we trying to wipe out ignorance? Swallow your pride and slap them with the facts. Maybe you will actually wake one of them up.
I heard this joke many years ago…
Mr. Goldstein goes on a business trip to Tokyo. While there he learns to his great delight that a synagogue exists in Tokyo. He goes there and finds that the entire congregation is Japanese. The Japanese rabbi gets up and preaches a sermon in Japanese.
After the services Mr. Goldstein goes to say “shalom” to the rabbi. The rabbi squints at him with a puzzled expression and asks, “You . . . Jewish??” He answers, “Yes, I am.” The rabbi goes, “Ah, so. That funny. You don’t rook Jewish!”
[blushing]You are too kind. Thank you![/blushing]
I never realized that many took the comment to be bigoted or racist. Could someone please explain why it is considered so? I thought it was a simple scientific fact that people of common ancestery often (but don’t always) share physical traits as well. Genetics, right?
What am I missing?
Revtim, I think you’re missing the tendency of some people to take anything said about Judaism as bigotry. A lot of people take it as bigotry if you say “Merry Christmas” to someone who is Jewish, even if you don’t know they’re Jewish. How are you supposed to tell they’re Jewish? By looking?
I think that the complication here, Revtim, is that the term “Jewish” can refer either to a member of a certain ethnic group, or to a follower of a certain religion (or both, of course). A person of a given ethic group is likely to have certain features, of course, but there’s no such rule for religions. Saying that a person doesn’t “look Jewish” implies that the only Jews are those who are decended from a long line of Jews, which is not, of course, the case.
Well said, Chronos. I’d usually use “Jewish” to refer to the religion and “Semitic” to refer to the ethnic group, but not everyone would agree. I just think it’s a shame that the suggested reaction to a little confusion is an menu of insults and cryptic hints, as if that would help build bridges and educate. (tomas’ excellent suggestion is obviously an exception.)
Thanks for the info guys.
In my opinion, “asshole” and “idiot” and “bigot” responses are far more out of line than the original “Funny, you don’t LOOK Jewish” comment.
Is it inferiority complex or what? It’s only natural. Yes, people have stereotypes (I wonder, why?). Oriental people have slanted eyes, most Italians are dark, most Irish are blond or red, etc. What’s so strange if a duck looks like a duck and a Jew (whatever the expected image is) looks like a Jew? It would be impolite or akward to hide your wallet if you see a Gipsy or somebody who looks like a Gypsy. But looks? Come on! This political correctness drives me crazy! If somebody does not look like Akira Kurosava, I am prohibited to say so? Can I say “What’s your name, again? You look like John Wayne.”
Racial profiling is very effective as police tactic. It is very offensive to law abiding citizens, is constitutionally illegal, violates civil rights, etc. Police use it not because they are racist, but becase stopping cars driven by old ladies (of any color, by the way) would be wasting time and money. If for years you see pooddles with curly hair, what are you supposed to say when you see one with straight hair? You say “It does not look like a pooddle”. After all, you might be right. You just saw an Afghan.
Judaism is a religion not a race. Telling someone that they “don’t look Jewish” is, for want of a better word, tacky. The prohibition among nice people against saying this is not ‘political correctness’ it is courtesy. It is a bigoted remark and nice people do not make bigoted remarks. BTW, I don’t believe that all people who make bigoted remarks are necessarily bigots. However, a person who makes a bigoted remark is definately socially inept. This is the other beauty of Miss Manner’s method (see my previous post). It is instructive. Barely masked disdain shows a boob that certain kinds of commentary are unacceptable among polite people. With any luck the boob is trainable and learns not to say such things. This is a favor to the boob who, hopefully, becomes less boob-like in future social situations. Thus is a polite person made.
A kind polite person can also marry Miss Manner’s method to that of Tomas. First, the thinly disguised disgust, which is necessary so the boob will know that social ineptness has consequences, then the instruction. Something like this:
Boob: Gee, you don’t look Jewish.
Polite Person: <coldly> Really? (Remember, “Really” is shorthand for “You are a boob.”) <slightly warmer> After all, Sammy Davis Jr. was Jewish.
Boob: Oh. <embarassed pause> Um, sorry, I wasn’t thinking.
Polite Person: <a little warmer still> Don’t worry, no harm done. <very brief pause, then in a perfectly congenial tone> So, how do you know the Smiths? <or> So, what’s your major? <or> So, did you see the game last night? <or whatever>
Is it about time to post Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song yet? 
Generally the “You don’t look Jewish” comment is uttered out of ignorance, not bigotry. So the correct thing to do IMHO is to point out that Judaism is, technically, a religion. And leave it at that; no offense taken. I am “technically” Jewish. My mother/grandmother/great grandmother etc were (Judaism is passed on maternally.) My mother married a Catholic & we were raised not much of anything, and I adhere to no religion. My sister is a practicing Jew & lives in Jerusalem.
And yes, I have had that comment (I’m a redhead & not Semitic-looking at all, which is what some expect a “Jew” to look like, I suppose.) I am not offended by it, & respond as I suggest.
Let’s turn this around a sec. I went to Brooklyn Law School, which, at the time I attended (and likely now) was 75% Jewish. I am not Jewish, which was a surprise to many of my Jewish friends at the school, because I apparently look Jewish. (It became a running joke - my last name is Green, so I was named “Vince Greenberg, the self-hating Jew”) Were my Jewish friends bigoted, or is there something to the “Jewish look”?
IIRC, in the course of studies of Tay-Sachs, it was revealed that the Ashkenazim come from a pretty limited gene pool. If you start with a limited gene pool, it is not unreasonable to expect that certain external physical characteristics are more likely to common among the Ashkenazim. In America, most Jews are Ashkenazim, so Americans (Jews among them, see my experience above) associate these characteristics with Jews.
Of course, Judaism is a religion, not a race. My roommate during law school was a rabbinical student at JTSA. He was a convert, and does not “look Jewish”. However, it is a religion that defines its members by matrilineal descent (genetics), and does not actively seek converts. Therefore, it is not surprising that certain physical characteristics are common among Jewish people, or at least the Ashkenazim.
All that being said, I have always believed that groups of people have the inalienable right to define for themselves what is offensive. Thus, if Jews find the comment “You don’t look Jewish!” offensive, than it is.
Sua
Cara and Jess,
FYI: Judaism is a religion and a nationality/ethnicity*. It’ not a race**. Semitism is a “subrace”. I used a “/” to indicate that, technically at least, Jews had no “nation” until modern Israel was created. Jews are the people which lived in Biblical Palestine/Canaan/Israel and among which Judaism was born. Even now, thousands years later, most *religious" Jews are “ethnic” Jews (Sammy Davis Jr., therefore was a religious convert). Conversion to Judaism does not carry physical characteristics, of course. Ancient (biblical) people in Israel possessed certain facial qualities, inhereted by modern decendants. So, upturned noses, etc., are not expected of Jews and a remark (“You do not look like a Jew”) is born out of surprise, not bigotry, and is understandable. If I’m introduced to a wide-eyed freckled blond girl and told that she is a Chinese, I’d say right to her face “You do not look a Chinese”. She wouldn’t be offended and probably will explain: “I’m half Irish”.
Carina was born to a “religious Jewish” family. She possibly attended a Hebrew school as a child. It does not make her a Jew. Self-consciousness does, whether she formally practices Judaism or not. Technically, she is half-Jewish (her mother is a Jewess), as there are half-Germans, etc.
Cara said “I’m a redhead & not Semitic-looking at all”. So, after seeing her and learning that she is Jewish (without the details), many surprised people would probably exclaim: “You do not look Jewish”, meaning “Semitic”. Arabs are Semits, too, Moslems or not, of course. Seeing a blohd Arab will cause the same reaction. What’s bigoted about it?
Impolite it may be, depending on many things. Saying “You have big breasts” to a woman may be impolite, but it may be a compliment, depending on many things. It used to be impolite to go bare headed in public; hats were de riguer. Now they were curlers in public, nobody shrugs.
*Therefore, we call the word “synonym.”
**My Webster dictionary defines Jew as “member of the worldwide Semitic group who claim decent from Abraham and whose religion is Judaism”. Under this definition:
- Sammy Davis Jr. is not a Jew.
- A person who is not religious is not a Jew. This raises even more question, which I won’t discuss here.