And then there’s Blackdar….
Note my earlier statement about no one HERE using it that way.
But outside this board/thread? Sure do! The ones who do though fall into the othering I worried about. They almost always indicate they’re getting the “wrongness” from a person. And not in the way people use “wrong” as a shortcut for different (which is a whole 'nother bag o worms) but in the “morally wrong” sort of way.
agree, for some spellings.
Randolph Scott???
Makes Blazing Saddles even funnier somehow.
I mean, heterosexuality is a lot more common than homosexuality, and so if people are going to default to any assumption, of course it’s going to be heterosexuality. And of course people are going to make assumptions, too: I don’t think that’s really avoidable, given human nature.
What we can and should change about ourselves is what we do about those default assumptions, and how we respond when those default assumptions turn out to be incorrect.
He and Cary Grant were close friends, and lived together on-and-off for over a decade. A number of their male contemporaries later claimed to have slept with one or both of them. Grant’s biographer has claimed that, late in his life, Grant admitted to him that both he and Scott were bisexual, and that they had been in love.
Personally, I default to assuming everyone I meet is human. What they do with their genitals, if anything at all, is a matter of indifference until I know them much, much better. It helps to live with an ace.
My first (late) wife’s younger brother was gay. He’s never come out as far as I know (but lost touch after she died), but I knew it since first meeting him. I always dropped hints that I knew, but everyone seemed to ignore my hints until near her death, when they admitted to finding magazines, the reason his wife threw him out, trips to Manzanillo with male “friends,” etc.
Oh, I’m a white American, and he was a Mexican from Mexico. Totally obvious across a culture that was foreign to me until I was in my 20’s.
All the same, my own sister (neé brother) came out as trans and omnisexual several years ago. I knew she had a couple of fetishes when she was a male, but literally had no idea she thought she was a women and omnisexual her entire life. She was just a normal, cisgendered male until her 40’s.
I think my gaydar’s not broken, but not everyone has a large radar cross-section.
I’m convinced that not only gaydar is real, so is bidar. As soon as I saw Ashley Platz on the small screen, I instantly clocked her as bi. She wore what I can only describe as a bisexual hairstyle. Turns out both Ashley and the character she played in the show are bi. I called it.
Reference: The Irrational S2.E6 “The Wrong Side of Maybe”
Well, 20 years ago my wife and I moved into an infill development in Ottawa and, for various reasons, we all got to know everybody in the development. Two doors down from us was a gay male couple (they were a frigging hoot and wonderful neighbours) and three or four doors from us in the other direction was a gay female couple. We had the two guys over for supper one evening and were talking about the two women (nicknamed “the sisters” in this development, and not disparagingly) to them. When the two guys suddenly realized what we were talking about, one of them said (with a bit of the stereotyped accent) “my gaydar obviously wasn’t working”.
Notwithstanding all that, we moved several times and lost touch with them which I regret as they were both great guys (gaydar or otherwise nothwithstanding).
I suspected a nephew on my wife’s side of the family was gay some years ago, so I was a little surprised to see that he had married a woman. Even now, I have no personal knowledge about his personal life, but his marriage lasted about a year and a half, and he changed his facebook pic to one of him and another guy. Odd thing is they look enough alike that they could be brothers.
Similarly, I had a first cousin who married (a woman) once when he was about 40. This would have been early 1980s. That marriage lasted just a few months. When he died a little over 20 years ago, my mother gave me the news and asked, “Do you think Jerry was gay?” Although the idea had crossed my mind, that was the first time I had ever heard anyone actually mention it. I told her that I didn’t know, but I had wondered about it myself. If he was, he had to have remained deeply closeted as he had a very successful 20+ military career in the US Army.
If such a tool exists, I certainly did not get it given to me at birth.
However, I (male, straight) have been bought a bunch of drinks by gay men. So, many thanks to them. It appears that their “straight-dar” was malfunctioning.
Or I am just really sexy. I think we can probably rule that out.
I’m too sexy for this bar
Too sexy for this bar.
Too sexy by faaaaar.
Maybe, but I’d put that as a third tell, after the voice*, and expressiveness of the face and hands. I don’t need to talk to a gay man for gaydar to kick in, and in fact I’d say it’s probably easier to spot when you see them interacting with women.
* It’s interesting, in that I’d describe it as some gay men having a “feminine” voice but it’s not necessarily a higher pitch, nor is it a lisp (I don’t even know where that idea started, can’t say I’ve ever met a gay man with a lisp). I can hear it, but I don’t know what it is.
Disclaimer again: not to make this sound like “othering”; I don’t care if someone is gay or straight; I’m not trying to find them like pokemon and don’t engage in speculation about so-and-so celeb. It’s just human nature to notice certain correlations.
Blackdar … an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine wondered if the man she was dating was black, or half-black. (and he wondered if she was a Latina! hilarity ensued.)
My husband was pretty clueless about millions of things, but we used to go to a fancy restaurant where the waiter fawned all over him to an embarrassing degree. All smiles and rapt attention. Listing all the specials, what kind of wine went with what. My husband, who seldom ate anything other than burgerfries, listened thoughtfully. The waiter would turn to me and say in a snide, curt voice, ‘And YOU?’…one evening driving home, the light dawned, and hubby said, ‘let me ask … I can’t put my finger on it, but did you find anything kind of strange about that waiter tonight?’ I tried not to burst out laughing while I gently informed him that the restaurant was all men couples, and the waiter thought he was cute, and kind of rude to me, a lowly woman. MY gaydar was up and running the first time we ever went there!
Justin Berfield was rumored to be gay for years because he was never publicly linked to a woman and lived with his openly gay business partner (with whom he also attende social events with). Then when he hot married it turns out he was just in a long-term relationship with a woman who didn’t want to be in the spotlight.
I always slip pass people Mexdar because I look white and have an “american” last name. Until get too tan and tell people its because I’m half mexican. Then they start thinking about all the racist crap they have said in front of me, like I’m a spy. 
Then hilarity ensues . . .
I think this typo should catch on for when an average looking person marries someone stone cold beautiful!
I had crummy gaydar when, years ago, Mr. brown and I went on one of our first dates.
I loved the movie Jason And The Argonauts, and Mr. brown had never seen it. I saw it was playing in a retro theater in Los Angeles, so we went there. After awhile, it occurred to me that I was the only woman in the theater. When the brunette woman of the piece appeared later in the film, all the guys in the audience booed. We eventually figured out that we were actually in west L.A., and Jason And The Argonauts was a popular cult movie among the numerous gay male population there (lots of good-looking tan, sparsely-dressed muscular men appear in this film).
To this day, when we come across this movie on TV, Mr. brown will make fun of my faulty gaydar.
Username checks out.