Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
I never offer unsolicited advice, but since you’re soliciting I’ll share the words of wisdom my sainted mother drilled into me when I was very young:
“Sit up straight.”
“A word to the wise is sufficient.”
“Let’s not and say we did.”
“Don’t you have a little voice inside which tells you right from wrong?”
“A leopard can’t change its spots.”
“Don’t watch someone until they’re out of sight. It brings them bad luck.”
“You’re no different than anyone else.”
“God help those who help themselves.”
If you adhere to these maternal aphorisms you stand a good chance of turning out like me. Lucky you. Advice is a dangerous thing.
If a problem doesn’t require immediate attention (i.e., if there’s no fire or blood involved) wait for 24 hours to solve it.
For every problem think up three solutions. A lot of people think a problem is “unsolvable” because their one solution won’t work.
Find solutions first; place blame later. Too many people waste time trying to make it someone else’s fault.
Don’t break the law. Every person in prison thought they would be the one to not get caught.
If you do have to deal with the police, be polite. Never piss off a cop.
Take your time. That’s it, just take your time. Answers will reveal themselves to you, love will fill your life, happiness will line the path of your life if you just take your time.
- All polititians are liers- regardless of party or country. Vote, but know this going in.
- The love of money is the root of all evil.
- Time enjoyed being wasted is not wasted time.
- Life has pain. Anyone telling you anything else is selling something.
- If you have to think about if you need something, you don’t.
- Most people take the world and themselves much too seriously. Try not to laugh at them where they can see you.
- Will it matter in 100 years? If not, who cares?
- It’s better to live a life you enjoyed than to strive for one you didn’t.
- All you have is today. Yesterday is gone and can’t be changed, tomorrow doesn’t exist, and may never.
- Other than people that love you, no one in the world is looking out for your best interests. The more they try to convince you that they are, the less you can trust them.
If what you say you are going to do and what you actually do and what you said you did are all the same, you won’t have many problems.
Learn to ask for things directly and take “no” as the final answer. Don’t hem, haw or whine.
Always be sincere, even if you don’t really mean it.
IF you get married, make sure you are the ugly one
Don’t worry about it.
No, seriously! Worry does not equal concern. You can be concerned about a problem without worrying about it. Worrying does nothing to help you solve a problem and may actually interfere with your ability to see a solution.
Next time you find your self worrying try to examine your thought processes. You’ll find that you’re going over the same thoughts repeatedly like a poorly written computer program that gets stuck in a logic loop. If the solution wasn’t there the first time through it won’t be the next time or the time after that.
Find some way to forget about it for a little while. Distract yourself. It’s surprising how often it happens that when you come back to it a solution presents itself.
If you are about to miss your turn or your exit, don’t swerve across lanes or slam on the brakes. There will be another turn or exit up ahead and there is always a way to work your way back to your intended route. Taking that particular turn or exit is not worth risking your life (or, more importantly, mine).
Courtesy of National Lampoon:
Never light a fart in a pair of polyester slacks.
No one’s mentioned the old “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” This has served me well for everything from child rearing to 40-some years of working. Along the same line is Erma Bombeck’s, “don’t sweat the small stuff, & remember, 99% of it is small stuff.”
For those who are spiritual, I’ve always found that if I ask God (or whomever your higher power is) to let me help someone today in a way I can’t even imagine, he usually will. At the end of the day, more often than not, I think, “wow, I did that? Thanks, God!”
From me:
Don’t cook bacon naked.
And from William Burroughs:
People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people. Well, here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.
Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don’t want money. The hell they don’t. What they mean is they want more money. Much more.
If you’re doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing. His word isn’t worth shit, not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.
Avoid fuckups. You all know the type. Anything they have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, turns into a disaster.
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly, “I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You are a terminal fool.”
Now some of you may encounter the devil’s bargain if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying. So you can take the offer as a compliment. They charge the easy ones first, you know, like money, all the money there is. But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? Not much to spend it on, eh, Gramps? Getting too old to cut the mustard. Have you forgotten something, Gramps? In order to feel something, you have to be there. You have to be 18. You’re not 18, you are 78. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.
How about an honorable bargain? “You always wanted to become a doctor. Now’s your chance. Why, you could have become a great healer and benefit humanity. What’s wrong with that?” Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise like souls. Just quantitative merchandise like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don’t take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk pusher told me, “Watch whose money you pick up.”
I disagree with this one. Yes, fear can be pretty self-destructive and very limiting, if your fears are irrational. It’s a good idea to ask yourself why you’re afraid of whatever it is that scares you. If the answer is that you’re really afraid of failure, or you’re afraid of looking stupid, then maybe ignoring that fear makes sense. On the other hand, when you feel fear for reasons you can’t quite pinpoint, it’s a good idea to go with your gut feeling. For example, If I meet a guy at a party, and he scares me, but I can’t quite explain why, it’s usually a good idea to stay away from him.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then give up. No sense being a damned fool about it.
Love doesn’t run out. The more you give, the more you have.
Change your oil regularly.
If it isn’t in the owners manual, it could be unnecessary maintenance the dealer’s shop is trying to scare you into.
Be nice to everyone until they prove they don’t deserve it.
Vote for the common good, not necessarily your own self-interest.
100% of shots not taken don’t score. Don’t let fear of failure lead to inaction.
Cherish your children at every age.
Treat your parents as if it could be the last time you ever see them. One of these days, it will.
If you make a mistake, fess up. Lying compounds your trouble.
Don’t pay your house off. Having a mortgage frees up your money and often allows you to deduct other things from your taxes.
Enjoy all the sex you can when you’re first married. Ask for what you want your partner to do.
If your last fart was rather juicy, don’t fart again until you’re near a change of underwear.
Watch your liquid intake before boarding a plane.
Never give a credit card number to anyone that calls you on the phone.
Get enough sleep.
If there’s a microphone/speakerphone/intercom in the room, assume that it is turned on and the person on the other end is your mother/boss/spouse.
Sampiro! I’m surprised at you!
My advice: never pay money for anything that your public library has already bought for you. You might be surprised at what databases your property taxes have already paid for!
Follow the rules Robert Fulghum set out in All I Realy Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten.
I don’t know about this one. There are a LOT of things that I regret not having done, but the one biggest regret of my life, by far, is something that I did and really, REALLY shouldn’t have.
My contribution to this thread:
Trite, simplistic sayings or “rules to life” should always be taken with a big grain of salt. “Always do this”, or “Never do that”, or “X is always true”, or “You will always Y”, rarely if ever apply to everyone in all circumstances.
Credit cards are not evil, it’s only that many people are unable to use them responsibly. I’ve had multiple credit cards for well over thirty years, and with a couple of exceptions due to extraordinary circumstances, I’ve never carried a balance. Credit cards are really convenient.
I always buy cheap shoes. I’ve never had any foot problems.
I’ve tried doing what I love. It didn’t work.
I could name occasions where fear has really kept me from doing something stupid.
I always showed up, payed attention, and followed directions all through school. Still, some of those A’s required a LOT more than an additional 5%.
But above all things remember this:
There is NO sex in the Champagne Room.
Oh, there’s champagne in the Champagne Room- but no sex.
$500 champagne, no less.
I think it’s another post-adolescent male rite of passage to fall into the VIP/Champagne room trap.