Bye, everybody!
Okay, I’ll bite…
Actually, I’ll do anything she wants…
But I like to bite…
If she’s okay with that, ya know.
s’tI lla so clear now. Thank you so much Doctor! By the way, where did you get your degree?
in i daid da dodor as in, i ddnt day exthacly ere.
Oh excuse me, where are my manners? I know it’s impolite to talk with my mouth full. What was I saying?
When I said the doctor was in, I didn’t say exactly where. 
Or me. Or me. I just wanted to drop by and say that if you were on daytime television instead of Dr. Laura, all of me would probably watch.
Oh, and I want to apply for the job of patient advocate. Zenster has recently polished my resume, which I can furnish at your request.
I want the office by the window. No, not that window, the one with the two-way smoked mirror that overlooks the doctor’s office.
----:p/
----///\\
::Drops the hampster and scrambles into his lab coat before running over to the clinic::
Hi, everybody!
Hmmm… they’re still here! Better get working here.
Scylla
Are you nice? Is Sue Dunhym’s mother a virgin? You’re not nice. The good news is that you don’t need it. Nice people are those who send you a card when you’re feeling so terribly dizzy. Nice people never say anything offensive, but this doesn’t stop them from acting offensively when they are not under the magnifying glass. Nice people don’t drink red wine with chicken or let their kids use words like “unclefucker”. Bland and predictable, nice people eat Chicken a la King and never drink more than two Budweiser’s at one sitting. People are nice when they don’t qualify as interesting, creative, characterhood, nasty or exotic. You don’t need nice. You need medication. You need pills and electroshock therapy and sedation and four post restraints. You’re making things difficult, Scylla. You’re asking too many questions. Our agents are getting concerned, and Muscles is getting steamed. So I’m going to give you a medication called thioridazine. Now, people will tell you this is an anti-psychotic. They’d like you to believe that! What do they now of its pleasant taste and comely appearance? One that can only be appreciated by a Professional. I’d like you to take seventeen each day and see me again in two weeks. Now see my secretary and she’ll book you for breaking and entering and drag you to the padded cell. Get the fuck out.
NEXT!
essvee
If craziness were cola, you’d be the Royal Crown prince. Your most obvious problem is an eating disorder closer to bulimia than anorexia. You crave butter and fatty foods to try an fill the empty void left by the fact that you failed to properly bond with your mother since she left you in a dumpster behind Vinnie’s meatpacking plant. And these repressed memories occasionally bubble to the surface and make you feel small. You need to embiggen yourself. That’s where the pills come in: the blue ones make you bigger, the red ones make you small. A mixture gives you purple like your puke against the wall. And how dare you come into my office and dirty my precious wall! This is a clear sign of ANGER! And it’s pissing me off. Get out. Don’t come back. I cannot help you until you are ready to help yourself.
Redboss
Irritability. Confusion. Psychosis. Change of personality. These are the psychistric manifestations of untreated syphilis. Irritable since you are unable to blow up your cat, confused since you cannot find the thread, psychotic since you think the people at the SDMB are adroit and charming. And when I saw you last, you wre asking for recipes to make your cats tuna croquettes and salmon friskies.
The good news is that help is available. The bad news is that I’m having a pretty crumy day and was thinking of my stock options rather than listen to you carry on like that. So I’m not going to help you unless (nod, wink) you make it worth my while. I’m listening. Why don’t you think about it and get the fuck of my sofa and back a more secluded part of the waiting room so you don’t gross out the other patrons with those scars.
NEXT
choosybeggar
Hmmm… I’m running pretty far behind. You’re feeling a lot of anger that people are trying to pull the wool over your eyes and delude you. The line between reality and fantasy is becoming as dim as a distant black hole. I could try and persuade you that you are wrong, but you aren’t, and you know it. And my bosses are going to be steamed about it, too. So I’m just going to give you an embarrassing diagnosis and hold you involuntarily for psychiatric evaluation by our resident thuggees.
Embarasssing… ah, here we go. You are a “frotteur”. From Kaplan and Sadock, “Frotteurism is usually characterized by the male’s rubbing his penis against the buttocks of a fully clothed woman to achieve orgasm. At other times he may use his hands to rub an unsuspecting victim. The acts usually occur in crowded places like subways and buses. The person with frotteurism is usually extremely passive and isolated and this is his only form of sexual gratification.”
That should do it. I’ll take care of the snow.
Sofa King
You could masturbate less often, but this would increase your libido and ultimately, your risk of catching tertiary syphilis. Why exactly do you think your relationship is unhealthy? Your problem is you are a pessimist who insists on seeing the darker side of things… a species not yet described that I shall call “The Killjoy” in an upcoming paper. You insist on seeing the glass as half empty, when in fact, you are simply suffering a visual hallucination. The liquid in the glass seems to be decreasing. If you add liquid to the glass, it will increase. So I’m saying that your partner and you will both benefit if you stick your joo ha in the glass. The Astroglide will achieve orgasm, be more satisfied, and this will bring you together. Your semen will also fill the glass and replenish a decreasing quantity with a natural lubicant. Your real problem is that you’re sort of ugly. Have you and your partner considered drinking lots of alcohol?
Hey doc.
I’m scared of the GD. Thinking about posting there sends me to tears. Reading it isn’t so bad, but when I think about what they might do to me sniffles…I’ll keep sniffle my answers to myself! sobs hysterically What kind of poster am I? I think I’m repressed.
So does the Mermaid.
Hollywood Downstairs School of Psychiatric Stuff and Dancing
doc, i feel better already. i do need to embiggen myself, in more ways than one. can you recommend a reliable penis growth program? and, more to the point, i think i have found a new sig, with yer gracious permission, doc.
can i keep it, doc? please?
Spider Woman
Nice to meet you three. I’d like to see the memory of the middle one of you, you look a little less blurry than the others. I have some questions I ask all my advocate applicees. Can you spin a web? Any size? Catch crooks? Arrive just in time?
essvee
Yeah, you can keep the sig. Just take all those pens of mine out of your pockets. I saw that.
I must be able to spin a good web; they are hanging all over my house. The huge ones seem to be occupied by large spiders and/or ex-husbands and ex-lovers. Do they count as crooks?
I always arrive way too early for everything, so I take books along to read while watching the carnage. I would make a very patient advocate. Any more questions?
----:D/
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[brightly]say look doc, here’s a fifty dollar bill I just found on the floor - must be yours![/brightly]
[sub]Alright you quack - and there’s more where that came from, if you can make these big red lumps go away.[/sub]
Look - these big red lumps! [drops pants] Come over where you can see them better [hobbles towards window, bending over] see?
Say, is that a goat out there?
Er, Redboss, that’s not the doctor… that’s just a potted cactus the doctor got last year while he was in California visiting Betty Ford and her lovely clinic. In fact the doctor isn’t even in at the moment, he’s very busy renting additional waiting room space.
Now pull your pants up and if you can bear to sit down, have a seat in the waiting room next to Spider Woman. Maybe she knows something about those nasty red bites - I mean bumps all over you. And I’ll just hang on to that $50 for the doc.
Oh wait- rayniday just took that seat. HEY YOU, yeah you rayniday! Get outta that chair. You sound like you’d be more at home curled up under it if you ask me.
Oh, and essvee, the doctor does not go around just handing out custom sig lines. If you want to take that one home with you, let me know and I will have to make a slight adjustment to your bill.
You see that closet right there? There’s an industrial strength hoover in there. Just make sure you change the setting from blow to suck, otherwise you’ll end up with an inny instead of an outie.
Attrayant, I don’t pay you enough.
Let me examine the evidence in this thread. We have three known biters:
And Zenster’s hamster:
I occasionally bite also, but only in the privacy of my own home. I must, in keeping with my hoped for postition of patient advocate, remain ethical and above these base desires. Perhaps Redboss backed into Dr_Cactus.
:: daintily flosses fangs and primes proboscis, weaves comfortable cushion under chair for rayniday, seals essvee in closet with lovely silvery webbing ::
curls up in her nice little cushion Thank you so much, Spider Woman. At least someone’s watching out for me. glares unconvincingly at Attrayant
Be careful about admiring the cushions too much. You may like them less when you find you can’t sit up. You know,
Step into my parlour said the spider to the fly
Sort of akin to the quote by Alice Roosevelt-Longworth:
----:D/
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::fluffs rayniday’s cushion thoughtfully::