My Grumpy Morning MMP

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m fairly grumpy this morning. Can we have a joke filled MMP to lighten our loads a little bit this week?

Here’s a funny one that you’ve all heard that I mentioned previously this week on facebook.

here are two brothers, Sam and David. Sam asks David to to watch his house and cat while he is away on vacation. Sam calls David.

“Hey, how are things? House is still standing? How’s my cat doing?”

David swallowed hard, “Well yeah man, your house is still standing. Nice place you have here by the way. Sorry to tell you this but you cat died though.”

“What?” Sam said. “You just can’t tell someone that their cat is dead. You have to break it down to them gently. The first time I call you should say that the cat is on the roof trying to catch a bird. The second call you should say that the cat lost its footing trying to catch the bird as it flew away, it fell and now it’s at the vet. The third call you should be to tell me that the vet says that it’s not looking good for the cat. On the fourth call you let me know that my cat died peacefully in its sleep.”

David agreed.

“So,” Sam continues. “How’s Grandma?”

“Well, Grandma’s on the roof playing with a bird.”

Carry on all.

2

I never made it back to last week’s MMP, so I forgot to say (((Dotty))).

3

Good Mornin’ Y’all! Up and caffienatin’.

[bCutiePie** sorry you’re so grumpy. How bout these to help ungrump?

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs

What’s gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex

ETA: First! Well, besides CutiePie replyin’ to her own thread.

4

What’s the difference between a cat-fish and a lawyer?

One’s a bottom-dwelling mud-sucker. The other is a fish.

A bit long-winded, but worth it:

This dwarf was working with the circus, telling fortunes, pretending to be in touch with the dear departed and so on.
One night, went on a bender, got thrown into detox.
Because of his tiny stature, managed to escape through the bars on the window (which would stop a full-sized person) – and off into the night he escaped.

Headline in the morning paper: “Small medium at large.”

I too never got back to posting last week, so {{{Dotty}}} – hoping for a flase alarm!!

5

blurf - sorry, too blurfy to think of any jokes

6

Little girl is off to oral surgery today. Too anxious to be funny.

I never made it back to the MMP last week, so I’ll go back and see what going on with Dotty… the hugs for her make me worried.

7

A Lutheran minister, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher all go fishing one morning.

They’re in a small boat out in a lake, and the Lutheran says, “I forgot the cooler, and I’m thirsty. Do either of you want anything?” Yes was the answer from both, so the minister stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water to the shore. He comes back the same way. The rabbi keeps on fishing, but the Baptist preacher is dumbfounded at the sight.

About a half hour later, the rabbi says he’s thirsty, gets out of the boat, and walks across the water, bringing back three drinks for his companions. The Baptist is even more deeply shocked. He thinks to himself, “If they can do it, I can do it, too. My faith is deeper then either of their’s, and the rabbi isn’t even a Christian.”

Another half hour passes, and the Baptist preacher says, “I’ll go get the drinks this time.” He stands up, steps out of the boat, and plunges straight to the bottom of the lake.

The rabbi looks at the Lutheran and asks, “When he comes up for air, should we tell him where the rocks are?”
Alien, how are the shingles doing?

8

OK, this one is sort of mean, but here goes…

Catholic priest and a Rabbi are good friends. One day they go skinny-dipping in a remote lake, with nothing but their hats on (because you know, hats’ gotta stay on your head while you’re outdoors!)

As they come out of the water, they are surprised by a group of kids from the town strolling by!

Priest, thinking fast, takes his hat off and covers his privates.
Rabbi takes his hat off too – but covers his face.

Priest asks the Rabbi – “why did you cover your face? This way you were exposed for all to see!”
Rabbi replies – “Dunno about you, but I covered the head that was more likely to get me recognized by the children…”

9

A father asks his 10 year old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
Sobbing, the boy begged his father not to tell him
Confused the father asked why the boy was so upset
The boy replied
“When I was 7, you told me there was no Tooth Fairy. At 8, I got the news that the Easter Bunny doesn’t really exist. at 9, you gave me the Santa shpiel. If you tell me now that grown ups don’t really have sex, I’ll have nothing to live for!”

10

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Off to work.

11

in case you missed it yesterday, here are photos from my chorus’ show.

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BioRosie nice pics! It looks like a good time was had by all.

How bout a Whiskypalian joke?

A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour of heaven.

They pass a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says, “Who’s down there?”

St. Peter says, “Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays.”

They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, “O.K., who’s down there?”

St. Peter answers, “Those are the Baptists who went to dances.”

And a little farther along, there was another pit and people down there gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments, and she says, “And those people?”

And St. Peter says, “Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks.”

:smiley:

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Good morning all - up, caffeinated properly and at work–on time. :slight_smile:

I’m not very good with jokes, so will drag up an oldie but goodie that my cousin told me years and years ago: if a chestnut sits by the chest and a walnut sits by the wall, what kind of nut sits by the bed? A pe-can, of course! Wonder if BBBBBobbio will vouch for that, with all the pecans he has … :smiley:

Sending good thoughts to all who need them.

14

Blurfy mornin’. Continuing to caffeinate. Finally got the wifey’s computer set up to a certain degree of satisfaction – at least to the point where I was able to get my Mac back and hook it up to the KVM on the main PC. Now I can swap back and forth between computers with a button and finally start gettin’ serious about this iPhone development thing. Sat through the first recorded Stanford lecture on the topic, but nothing significant was really covered in that one. (Mostly stuff of interest to actual Stanford students in attendance.) Gonna move on to the rest over the next few weeks. (There are 18 lectures at an average of an hour a piece.)

Jokes? Well, I can think of no one better to turn to than the best “sit-down” comic that ever lived: Dave Allen. He’s long-winded, but if you know him, you know half the fun was in the telling and delivery.

I miss that old Irishman.

15

a REAL LIFE, actually happened to me this morning joke. Actually, more a tale of my goof-ossity, but it made me l laugh.

I pick up my cell phone to call my doc’s office to re-order a prescription.

OPERATOR’S VOICE: Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Hottie, if this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. To speak to an operator or receptionist, press 1; to order a prescription refill, press 2… "

I press 2. Nothing happes…

OPERATOR’S VOICE STILL: " if you need a handwritten prescription to be picked up, please leave a message…"

In frustration now I continue pressing 2.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Finally realizing that I was pressing the 2 on my keyboard, not my phone.

:smack:

16

Arrrghhh! Monday… :stuck_out_tongue:

Why’d the elephant paint his toenails?
So he could hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Why’d the elephant have wrinkled knees?
His sneakers were too tight.

Why’d the elephant have three white sneakers and one yellow sneaker?
He forgot to lift his leg.

Why’d the elephant walk on stilts?
So he could look down ants’ blouses.

Okay, enough, pie said funny jokes.

I have Monday.

Tupug

17

Pie, I’m with you on the grumpy thing. So I appreciate the jokes too.

Training class last week was good. Fun to go downtown for a few days. Except that they had funky keyboards with the Delete/End/Home keys in the wrong place so all last week I was hitting the wrong keys. I just about got used to the arrangement by the end of the week so now I’m hitting the wrong keys on my work keyboard.

Here’s a joke that came out of a conversation about traffic yesterday:
There’s a donkey traffic jam in ancient Jerusalem, and everyone’s fed up. Judas finally shouts, “Jesus Christ, get your ass out of the left lane!”

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I have that same keyboard set up at home, taxi. Drives me up a wall.

I woke up with a terrible headache, drove to work in the rain, and promptly dumped my coffee out in my car when I got here. Not the greatest way to start the day.

But my headache is pretty much gone, and I’m feeling better. The jokes helped me, too!

I’ve started on my presentation even though I’ve only read half the book. It’s getting too long already! I think we’ll get a lot of discussion with it though.

Hugs and smooches to all - and a great big one for {{{Dotty}}}.

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The long version is "one is a bottom-feeding scum-sucking scavenger living off the misfortune of its fellow creatures -------- and the other ones a fish.
Did you know the Honest Lawyers Society is holding its annual convention this week? He’ll be in a hotel somewhere in the midwest.

Did you know lawyers were originally paid by the word? Why else would they write a 67 page document and call it a “brief”.

Did you hear about the salesman (he was a former lawyer) who covered his Volkswagen Beetle in concrete? He always wanted to drive a hard bargain.

20

Some other Dale Allens

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Poland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning sermon. She’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun…

There was the story of a young Irish vicar riding his bicycle down the path between towns where he would meet an elderly priest from another parish, and they would discuss matters daily, until one day the old priest noticed the vicar walking instead of riding and asked him “What happened to your bicycle?”

The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.

“Well, then”, the old priest said, “Next Sunday, do a sermon about the ten commandments and preach heavily on THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. Then you will surely get your bike back”. The vicar agreed and went off.

The next week, The two met again and this time the vicar was again riding his bicycle. “See what I meant!” the Old Priest said. “The power of the Word. The Ten Commandments, and Thou Shall not steal!”

The vicar responded, “Well, not exactly, Father. I was preaching about the Ten Commandments, and I was all ready to preach heavy on ‘Thou Shall Not Steal’, but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, all of a sudden I remembered where me bike was!”