My Grumpy Morning MMP

Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

Why don’t sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Definition of a crying shame: A busload of lawyers with an empty seat going off a cliff.

How many lawyer jokes are there? One. Everything else is true.
Sorry, Dottie.

Paraphrased from the Pterry I’m currently reading (The Fifth Elephant):

What do people call men who wear wigs and gowns?


This one used to be told about Galicia, but I understand it works for Brazil and Paraguay as well… How do you know which are the local priest’s bastard children?

They’re the only ones who call him Uncle, instead of Father.

Y’all are givin’ me the giggles. :smiley:

I just got back from havin’ an early lunch with OYKW. He’s got somewhere’s to be at twelve-thirty so we met at eleven. So, I guess we had brunch.

Tonight is men’s night at the church. I have steaks marinatin’ and beer chillin’. We shall meet up over to the churchhouse instead of goin’ together cause it’s easier. Long as I bring the steaks and beer, he’s good with it though.

Now for my favorite all time silly joke…

What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells awful?

Two skunks fighting over a pickle

Oh jeez, I’ve opened Pandora’s box…! :smack: (ETA: Re: all the lawyer jokes)

OK, deflection… This old Southern Baptist minister is on his death bed, surrounded by his family and congregation. At one point, his heart stops, but the staff, with heroic effort, get him going again… And finally he returns to consciousness. And he says*, “I have had a Near Death Experience. And… I have Good News and Bad News.”

“The Good News: while I was dead, I was vouchsafed a view of the beyond, and there can be absolutely no doubt – there is a God!!”

“The Bad News is… She’s Black!

  • Y’all will have to imagine the accent and the delivery.

Ok, surgery is over. Kiddo did great. I can relax now!

Time to think of jokes…

Special1 hee!

What’s the difference between Episcopalians and Southern Baptists?

Episcopalians don’t hide from each other in the liquor store

ETA: Yay for the surgery goin’ great Soapy!

Oy, I had no idea being a proctor would be so boring!

Six proctors all staring at 15 people taking a six-hour certification exam. Ever wonder why proctors walk around the exam room? It’s so they’re less apt to fall asleep.

It’s also the first time I’ve ever witnessed 21 people manage to be absolutely silent. There’d be times with the ventilation would cycle off, and the room would be dead quiet, punctuated once in a while by the soft scritchings of a mark being filled in on the answer sheet.

When we called one hour remaining, you could see brains locking up. When I took this exam about two years ago, I emerged from the room not even sure what my name was.

Same here Soapy!

OK – for another variant --------- whats the difference between Catholics, Lutherans and Baptists?
Catholics do not recognize the theology of other religions, Lutherans don’t recognize the supremacy of the Pope and Baptists don’t recognize each other at Hooters.

Did you hear about the Baptist minister who was having an affair with the church secretary? They always did it missionary position because the other positions could be mistaken for dancing.
These are from my friends in the Electric Amish

What’s black and white and red all over?
An Amish guy with a sunburn.

How do you drive a Mennonite crazy?
Send him into the round barn and tell him to pee in the corner.

What goes “clip clop clip clop BANG clipclopclipclop”
A drive-by in Lancaster.

Why don’t Memmonite kids take sex education and drivers ed in the same semester? It’s too hard on the mule.

What do you get when you cross a mule and a Mennonite?
A mule who will surely burn in Hell.

Why are Amish wives always so frustrated?
They need two Mennonite.

What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?a good start

I don’t have any jokes to add. Today was the kind of day where getting your flu shot was the high point. Yep, I am now vaccinated against the Not Swine Flu. You may cough freely around me.

I don’t think the QA inspection was all that was hoped for. Management came away from it looking grim and everyone went out back to smoke like chimneys. I do believe being a nonsmoker would hurt my career advancement if I wanted to do so with this company.

On the good side, I just met my roommate’s new gray lop-eared bunny. BUNNY!

Did somebody say lawyer jokes?

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

No changes occur.

What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

The vultures aren’t gagging over the skunk.

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got first pick.

I blame Special1. :stuck_out_tongue:

NonoNO!! It’s “How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?”

There are skid marks in front of the skunk

I blame swampy :stuck_out_tongue:

Great job guys!

I’m only slightly grumpy now. That’s because my weekend was non-existent and I didn’t get a much needed nap today. However, most of the reason I couldn’t nap was because I’ve got alot of work tomorrow. So that’s good.

Actually, this is shaping up to be a pretty decent week. Sorry, I don’t have anymore jokes right now, I guess I’ll have to try to think of some more later.

OK, this one really cracked me up.

Today hasn’t really gotten better. I’m going to be here late, but hopefully it won’t be as bad as two Mondays ago. But I Don Wanna be here late at all! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Yay on the surgery going ok, Soapy.

I’m sorry, I have no jokes to add.

Today has been a real FML (fuck my life) day. Everything went wrong: overslept, commute took forever because of stupid drivers, linkages broke in my reports and I had to spend some time dicking around with them to figure out what broke where and repair them; couldn’t post one of my reports to Sharepoint, finally gave up and just sent it email; just finished the second big report about 15 minutes ago. Sadly, I usually have these published well before 10:00 am.:frowning:

I have about 12 more reports that need updating and publishing, but I’ll be damned if I’m doing them today. I’m burned out, pissed as hell, and just want a little breathing room. I worked through my effing lunch…again. I worked 10.5 hours yesterday on a different project for work. Fuck it…I’m done for today.

I apologize for the bad 'tude. It’ll get better once I’m home.

If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes, and a waist size of 38, what does he weigh?


It was a boring day at work, but it’s one down and 4 to go. One nice thing happened. FCD’s car was in the shop and I was expecting a $700+ bill, but it was just over $200, so yay for that.

I put all the switch plates back on the plugs and switches, so the living room is ready for the furniture to be delivered tomorrow. Then we’ll have to figure out where to fit it all.

That’s all I’ve got. Sorry to be so boring…

For all of you who have no jokes to contribute, I’ll do it for you…


A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Denver when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

'OK, ’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?"

what’s black and white and red all over? a newspaper an embarrassed nun a penguin in the walrus cage

One more, rosie

a zebra with a sunburn

Another one, Rosie:

A skunk with diaper rash.