To all of the people who are waiting downstairs for the lift.
Get out of the fucking way
It’s lunchtime.
People are using the lifts to go down to lunch.
You are standing in front of the doors.
When they open and I try to get out, you stand there like a gawping fish on a stick with an expression like OMG there’s someone IN this lift.
And you don’t get the fuck out of the way.
You try and push foward before I’m out of the fucking lift.
So I say excuse me and you so you stop, dead still.
So another excuse me as I push foward and you don’t step aside. Nothing. Nada. Not a sausage. Bugger all.
Is there something wrong with your legs?
Take a step or two backwards fuck-knuckle.
Let me out.
I don’t want to brush you as I get out.
I don’t want you touching me as I get out.
In fact I don’t want to even breathe the same air as you.
So back off for fucks sake.
I especially hate the look of surprise on the faces of these life ingenues (a look easy to spot since their yobs are 30 cm from the door when it opens) when they realise people are in the lift and want to get out.
I just wanted to say that the OP reads like some sort of experimental poem to me.
But yeah, couldn’t agree more.
[Channeling Seinfeld] Now, why is it that people expect to be able to just walk on to any elevator when the doors open? Huh? Can someone tell me what the deal is here? And what’s with airline peanuts? [/Channeling Seinfeld]
I know I should feel guilty about this, but once, a girl walked out of a movie theatre and stopped about one foot away from the door. It was impossible to walk by her politely, so I elbowed her out of the way. I literally shoved her forward. I never feel the need to treat rudeness with politeness. And I bet she was more conscious of her surroundings after that.
Hey, Caught@Work, next time it happens, hit all the floor buttons on the elevator before you walk out.
It’s not just elevators and escaltors, folks. The same thing happens on busses and trains.
Hey, fuckbucket. Let people get off of the train before you try to force your way on against the flow. Oh, and do me a favor. Quit waving around your magazine with the pictures of the goat felching, underaged, shaved sheep taking it up the ass from overweight bald guys with shriveled penises and pierced nipple man-boobs. Really. It won’t win you any friends, and may get you in trouble with PETA or some such.
Sorry, folks. That last is directed at a certain pervo who used ride the same bus I did back in those days before I had a car. A sick old fuck, he was.
Basic law of physics – It is easier to fit more people into a larger area than a smaller area. Ergo, you let people OFF the elevator/train/bus BEFORE you get on.
I generally respond with a friendly, “Say, if you spread your arms out real wide, you can keep anyone from getting around you at all.” With a demonstration if I’m the only one being inconvenienced. Works pretty well when I’m trying to get past a group of four people walking side-by-godsdamn-side at the mall, too. I’ve only been called an asshole twice over the years, and both times a simple reply of “That would be crazy asshole, if you don’t mind,” seems to ward off any further confrontation.
How about the morons who, of all places, think that a stairwell is a good place to stand around and bullshit with your coworkers? This most recently happened a few weeks ago. Three guys decided to strike up a conversation about God-knows-what on one of the landings in the stairwell. Never mind that it’s in a high traffic area just off of the cafeteria. I was like, “for chrissakes, you dipshits, the cafeteria is only [Sam Kinison]50 feet away![/Sam Kinison]” I don’t even bother to say “excuse me” to these assholes when I “accidentally” bump into one of them while trying to pass through.
I fully agree, I hate it when people are waiting for an elevator, see the light go on, then scurry to get in front of it only to have to move back to let the people who are already on it off. Why not just stand back and wait? There’s nothing so important that you HAVE to jump on the elevator first, and in fact doing the move-forward-and-back thing actually takes more time.
BTW I especially like “fuck-knuckle”. I’m gonna use that sometime real soon.
We are living at a hotel for the time being (fire in my apt. building) and there is a woman staying on our floor right now with two little ankle-biter yappy dogs that she’s always taking out for a walk.
I got on the elevator coming home from work and when it opens on our floor, this woman and her dogs bust in before the door is actually all the way open. The yappy dogs are on the threshold snarling and barking at me and straining at their leashes. So I chuckle politely and say, “Excuse me…” And instead of backing off and clearing her @#$% dogs out of the way so I could exit the elevator, the woman stands there with this totally shocked look on her face and says, “Oh! I didn’t think there would be anybody in there!”
Great, asshat (tm jarbaby)…I know it’s a giant shock for that nerve ganglia sticking out of your neck to find a person on this elevator, but could you possibly shut your gaping maw and restrain those dust bunnies you call dogs so I can leave the elevator without getting the hem of my pants chewed up? Thanks.
And then there’s the jackasses who have to stand in the doorways of half-empty train cars even though they’re not getting off. What really gets me about this is that almost everyone getting on and off carefully edges around them, apparently afraid to inconvenience them by asking them to get the fuck out of the doorway!
Except me, of course.
One time one of these fuckwits actually had a large gym bag lying across the doorway, and for three stops I watched people stepping over it. When we got to my stop I just kicked the bag out of my way onto the platform and kept going, not even looking back to see if he was able to grab the bag before the door closed.
That happens in Sigapore all the time, you try to fight your way off the train through all those Singaporeans who try to rush in to get that single available seat. I usually whisper “excuse me” and swing my heavy suitcase menacingly in front of me, at crotch height. Success guaranteed!
Maybe it’s just me but it REALLY baffles (and sometimes irks) me
when I see people (young, fit adults) with no heavy luggage, shopping bags whatsoever getting on to the elevator to travel ONE floor. This is a shopping mall. There’s a working elevator less than 30 steps away. Why bother to wait and pile onto a crowded elevator (depriving others the opportunity to use it)?
when people cannot decide which floor they want when they get into an elevator. Okay, maybe you’re new to the place, that’s fine. That, however, does not make it okay for you to press more than three floor buttons when there are other people in the elevator with you.
when people do get the wrong floor, after two tries, they still don’t have the courtesy to apologize. (By this time, I usually ask them pointedly which store they’re looking for.)
when people fart in elevators. I don’t know you. And I don’t think it’s funny. Especially if you’re leaving the elevator before me.
when people who have a last drag on their cigarette, decide to exhale when the elevator doors are just closing.
when children are allowed to scream and jump in the elevator.
when people continue to yell into their mobile phones even though they know their signals have been cut off.
when someone gets onto an empty elevator with me and tells me which floor they want. Of course it’s no problem for me to get the floor for you, but they did put the buttons on both walls for a reason. And you’re welcome by the way.
when people hold up an elevator full of people, signaling to friends who are not at the lobby yet. By Murphy’s Holy Law, the whole group will probably alight at the next floor.
Don’t get me started on Ugly Singaporeans on the train…
Today at lunchtime, I thought, fuck it, you turd-burglars are gonna get what’s coming to ya.
I stood at the very front of the lift.
No-one else in the lift.
On its way down.
Get to the ground floor.
As soon as the doors are open enuff, out I go.
Arms crossed in front.
Hoping there will be some dickweed waiting a few inches from the doors.
And there is.
And I pushed right into the dropkick.
And he had coffee and lunch in his hands.
And the coffee went all over him.
And a little went on me (but I’ll get over that).
And he was put out because I came out of the lift, right in his face.
And dared to call me a fuckhead.
Disdain from me while on the inside, ha, ha, suck that.
Aren’t I a prick?
Although, now I live in fear of my life.
Hee hee hee… Ya know, this happens to me all the time in my building. I work on the 5th floor, and there’s always some assgasket that has to rush the elevator as soon as I go to get off it. It always makes me wish I had a horrible case of gas to fill the elevator up right before the doors open. (I usually ride down alone.)
These same assgaskets are the people that take the elevator from the first floor to the second. Huh? You came in the building dressed in workout clothes, yet you can’t be bothered to take the steps for one floor? I don’t understand this. Maybe I’m being narrow-minded, maybe they have some condition, but it always makes me wonder.
