It has it’s ups and downs (rimshot)
No, seriously though. Just a few minor elevator comments.
Without further ado, please assholes, prevent elevator-rage and heed the following:
#1) Yes, you stupid fuckwaffles, I did take the elevator to go up one floor. As it happens, I cut my foot (not badly) and it hurts like hell to do stairs, plus going up bends my foot in such a way that it keeps re-opening the cut. But that’s none of your business. NON*E. So, if you see fit to give me one of your “The SECOND floor?! That’s only one floor up! Siiiiiiighhhh” comments and/or roll your eyes at me (or worse, at the nice little old lady who’s job requires her to go from the fourth to the third floor and back all day) again, we’ll discuss your manners. Loudly. Maybe in the HR department.
#2) C’mere, mellonhead, I’ve got a secret for you. Listening closely? Good.
You can’t get on the elevator until I get off it.
Y’with me so far? Good. Then listen very closely for the second half of the secret:
I CAN’T GET OFF THE ELEVATOR IF YOU’RE STANDING DEAD CENTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DOORWAY! Stand to one side or the other, let me exit, THEN enter. The person exiting has the right of way. See how neatly it works? From now on, I’m just gonna stand there until you move. We can stand there, nose to nose all day like those two guys in that Dr. Seuss story. And since I’m the one who’s in charge of attendance in my department, I can take as long as I need.
#3) It’s wonderful that after years of being a social outcast, you’ve developed friendships. Now that you have a friend, let me tell you a secret: the place to have a conversation is anywhere BUT just after the elevator arrives. You’re only leaving for the day, not joining the French Foreign Legion (although if you wanted to…). A four minute “You’re my shmoopie” type conversation when one person is on the elevator and one person isn’t getting on the elevator will, in the future, cause me to join in thus:
Twit #1: You’re my bestest friend, right?!
Twit #2: YES! And you’re my goodest friend! (actual overheard comments, btw. “Goodest”? “Bestest”? I weep)
Twit #1: You can keep a secret, right?
Twit #2: <shrieks> YES!
Twit #1: Did you hear about that skank, Lana?
Twit #2: NO! Tell me!
Fenris puts his arms around both: Yes! Dish the dirt, sister! I wanna hear all the savage bile from your creamy bosom! I love the way you get all evil on people! You are sooooo catty that if you were in a box, quantum mechanics would debate if you were alive or dead! I admire that! So tell! Say, y’know, I think you’re both the keenest, ooogiest people in the whole, wide, world! Let’s go out to lunch. You treat.
#4) This one’s tricky. Really tricky. It’s not an easy either/or rule. But you can do it, I have faith in your cognitive skills :rolleyes: Ready? Here goes:
If someone’s running for the elevator, it’s polite to hold the door, not jab the “close door” button. BUT (and here’s the tricky part) at the same time, if your pal “will be along in two or three minutes” he can take the next elevator and in this case, it’s rude to hold the door. There’s some indeterminate time, say between 30 seconds and one minute where it’s polite to hold the door. Beyond that, it’s not polite. If you’re confused, please…ask for help. All the kids in the fast-learner group will be glad to share their knowledge.
#5) This one’s really minor: The elevator won’t come any faster if you hit the button every pico-second. Cursing won’t make it come faster either. Really. Scientific tests have proven this. Honest! On the other hand, you can break the button, in which case, the elevator won’t come again until it’s fixed.
#6) The elevator is neither a bathroom or the dressing room in a bordello. On an elevator, one does not:[ul]
[li]Shave with an electric razor (I’ll compromise on this one: use a straight razor and let me watch and I won’t complain)[/li][li]Put on makeup[/li][li]or worse, perfume[/li][li]Brush one’s teeth[/li][li]Q-tip one’s ears[/li][/ul]
Really. My day is just keen without watching you perform your morning ablutions.
#7) Finally, let’s talk about the 3d grade refugee who thinks it’s funny to hit all the buttons as they exit. Should I catch you doing this, I’ll personally drag you to The Security Guy who’s gotten enough complaints about this that he’s said he wants treat your ass like an Heisenburgian indeterminate wave-function and collapse it. (Actually, what he said was…earthier, but I trust I’ve captured the spirit of his comment)
Elevator rides can be a fun and exciting way to spice up your day. Following these rules can make it even better!