I used to live with a bunch of guys from Russia and Latvia. When the Jehova’s Witnesses would show up, Sasha and Gennady would happily invite them in so they could practice speaking English.
Some of them stayed for over an hour before they realized they weren’t getting through very much.
I have the simplest, funniest solution to this problem which will GUARANTEE they’ll never bother you again. Read on.
One Sunday afternoon, when I was 14, 2 JW people knocked on my door. I was in the middle of cleaning my house, listening to some Beethoven (great music for furious scrubbing). They were very friendly, trying to interest me in reading their monthly newletter whose chosen subject that month was (I’m not making this up) how modern Rock and Roll was subverting high school kids. Now, please understand, these people interrupted me on my day off and began lecturing me on how imperiled my soul was by listening to thrash metal AS THE MOONLIGHT SONATA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.
They finished their schpele by inviting me to the youth group meeting on Friday night.
Straighfaced, I looked them in the eye and said “Jeez, Friday night? I’d love to come, but that’s the night I worship Satan”.
And then I closed the door in their stunned faces. I’ve never been bothered again in 8 years.
Last time I had anyone pushing Jesus door-to-door 'round here was a good six, seven years ago. A pair of Jehovahs Witness knocked on my door, waking me at some ungodly hour (for me, this could be as late as two in the afternoon, but IIRC it was about 6, 6:30 AM) I got out of bed, answered the door, and discussed gun control with a couple of JWs for about fifteen minutes. In my underwear. I give 'em extra points for stubbornness. They didn’t give up until I had a Watchtower in my hand. But it was worth it to watch them try and figure out where to look. And it worked great! They never came back! Possibly because the sight of me in nothing but BVDs broke their faith in God.
LMFFAO!! You people think you’re showin’ these “Door-to-Door” evangelizers something they haven’t seen before? You actually think they’re affected by your feeble attempts at “Shock-Treatment?” GAFL…… your ignorance is apparent to them and as soon as they leave your door you are nothing but “Dust In The Wind.” You are dead!! You aren’t even a memory…… You see, they aren’t out looking for you, they’re out looking for those individuals who might have a need for something else in their life.
Believe it or not, there are people who NEED association with these sorts of organizations, and will benefit by it. They may even become productive members of society… Hold down a decent job… TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR LIVES! Spend time with their children!!
So, the next time someone knocks on your door, if you aren’t interested, just tell them! Try not to look like a flaming fucking idiot by exhibiting your theatrics, your pompous self-righteous attitude, just tell them NO THANK YOU!! Is that so hard? Didn’t yo mama teach you some manners??
A few miscellaneous points:
Sorry dude, it is physically impossible to “Choke on your tongue.” Unless, of course, someone cuts it out and feeds it to you!!
Your Granny considers herself a “Christian,”… hummmmmm… And she thinks that if the message of salvation is carried to the people instead of the people searching it out, that this somehow “Cheapens” the message??? Hummmmmmm… Isn’t this what Jesus did? Carry the message to the people? Isn’t this what he was persecuted for? I think maybe you should have a little chat with your Grandmother before it’s too late… while she can still be saved… 
The one that really amazes me is the ignorant tweakin’ misfit that gets pissed off because someone woke him up at noon… he’d been up all night at work… CALLIN’ PEOPLE AT HOME FROM HIS BOILER-ROOM OFFICE, TRYIN’ TO SELL THEM INFLATABLE POOLS!! To quote my favorite DEAD comedian, Sam K.,… AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
YES this is my first post, and NO it won’t be my last!!
Pity.
Now that’s fucking depressing.
[sarcasm]
And you’ve made an excellent start. :rolleyes:
[/sarcasm]
[sub] Sadly enough, my first thought for a response was: “Remember, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.”[/sub]
Door to door proselytizers must think that Satanism is much more prevalent than it actually is. Maybe that’s why they keep trying! 
I haven’t been bothered by JW (or similar) for years. But then, I have a policy of “visitor screening.” If I don’t know you, you’re not the UPS driver or the police, and you haven’t called to tell me you’d like to meet with me about whatever, I don’t answer the door. Leave me a note–I’ll call you back and we’ll set something up.
I do this partly because of annoying salespersons and missionaries. I’ve got little kids. I’ve got stuff to do. I do not have the time or patience to stand around talking with you about the investment firm office you’re opening down the street and whatever personal information you’re fishing for. (“So, you stay home with the kids, huh? What does your husband do? Where does he work? Hey, that’s a nice picture on that TV!” Honestly. He thought it was going to increase his business to go door to door prying. Don’t people realize that this is not only annoying, but threatening and creepy? I tried to be polite, and finally closed the door in his face. The only reason he got so far was the kids were playing on the porch, and I had the door open.)
When I was a kid, I couldn’t understand why people hated the door to door stuff. Our local JW proseletysers (no matter how I spell that, it doesn’t look right…) were little old ladies–very polite, handed you a watchtower and went on their way. I recall helping one with a crossword she was doing between houses. Very nice, very sweet.
But in college, I met the JW from Hell. She actually put her foot in the door so I couldn’t close it, and started to walk into the apartment uninvited. I told her to get the hell out before I called the police. After that, I developed my screening policy. It cut down on such annoyances.
As I see it, proselytizers are intruders and are lucky to get a civil response, especially if they have the temerity to pester people on a weekend morning. Nobody has a right to intrude on my property and spoil my privacy.
A “No Solicitors” sign works for us.
We used to have just that sign, but we got two people in one day who didn’t know what they were doing (the first one wanted me to sign a petition, the second wanted me to buy some pizza), so I added another sign:
Solicit: so-li-cit, verb, to seek to obtain by entreaty or petition.
Solicitor: so-li-cit-or, noun, one who solicits.
That worked for awhile, then we got somebody who said he wasn’t soliciting. I asked to see his solicitor’s license and he showed it to me.
(long pause)
he left.
Unfortunately, now we don’t get Girl Scouts selling cookies…
After this comment:
we get:
and:
and:
Any of y’all care to elaborate? HoosierDaddy made, basically, four statements:[ul][li]Plenty of evangelizers simply roll their eyes and ignore shocking and childish behavior.[/li][li]Evangelizers are looking for people to help. If you ain’t interested in them, they ain’t interested in you.[/li][li]What’s wrong with being polite?[/li][li]Evangelizing is part of the Christian tradition.[/ul][/li]This thrown in with a dash of invective (as is appropriate for the Pit), a little over-the-top exaggeration (also appropriate) and an anecdote about a hypocritical telemarketer. Now, you can certainly disagree with the above points (as do I, with some), but at least have the courtesy to explain yourself rather than posting a knee-jerk stupid-newbie response. This might be the Pit, but it’s still the Straight Dope.
In my experience, Mormon missionaries have always been very polite when I tell them that I’m very firm in my current beliefs.
Jehovah’s Witnesses, on the other hand, have often been very pushy and annoying. Years ago one asked if I believed in extra-terrestrial life. My reply was that I think it is probable. When he asked if I’d ever met an ET, I said “are you implying that I’m meeting one now?” I thought his junior partner would fall off the porch! Never saw the JW folks again after that.
“Jesus? Naaah, I’ll take the Great Old Ones over him anytime. I mean really, Great Cthulhu alone is what, a hundred feet tall monster with tentacles that weighs like a thousand tons or something. Some Jesus comes up with an attitude and Cthulhu can just be like who’s the moron yapping down there, I’ll squish him with my huge foot, that’s what I’ll do. I mean where’s the contest? What’s some 2000 year old punk kid gonna do to a cosmic superbeing? Forget about it.”
Amen. Thank you. I think at base, HoosierDaddy has a better point than all the “Look at me, I like to pretend I worship Satan, tee hee!” posers. Except for the grandmother thing. That was just wrong. This is exactly what’s wrong with the pit, and zut put it well. You people love to dismiss out of hand anyone that makes an inflammatory response because you know you can just all curl up with your spikes out, call him a dumb newbie, and go on discussing whatever.
I don’t understand how this doesn’t bother people. Thank goodness zut spoke up. How is it possibly superior to totally ignore Hoosier (other than 3 lame remarks about how it’s his first post) and resume discussion of the OP, rather than actually try to address the points that he’s making? Miller, this is EXACTLY what I was trying to get at in the “This is the Pit” thread.
Actually, it wasn’t about this being his first post, it was about the grim possibility that he might be back. It’s the second post I’m worried about.
Why did I dismiss his argument? Because it’s a manifestly ridiculous position, and I didn’t feel like fighting his particular brand of ignorance at 3:00 AM. Besides, he left himself wide open for those cracks, and I for one was raised to never pass up such a golden opportunity for a put-down. But, since I actually have some respect for you, White Lightning, and you mentioned me directly in your post, here’s my reasoning:
This may sound childish, but like I care? C’mon, assuming that these assorted Xians bought into our little ruses and charades exactly as we intended them to, we have presented ourselves as anti-social, perverted, and/or downright evil. If I don’t mind them thinking any of those things about me, I certainly am not going to be losing any sleep over being thought of as childish. The point isn’t to make myself look cool, it’s to take an unwanted intrusion into my personal life and a very rude intrusion into my personal beliefs, and turn it into an opportunity to amuse myself for a little while. This is also why I like telemarketers.
Did I ask for help? No? Then fuck off. The idea that if I’m not interested in them, then they won’t be interested in me is patently false. Look at Lestrange’s post. Look at Lady Ice’s. How many other people out there have pointedly ignored missionaries (MUCH easier to spell than proselytizer!) who keep ringing the doorbell, over and over? If I’m not answering my door, I’m either not at home or don’t want to talk to you. Shit, if I was interested in Jesus, I’d pursue these beliefs on my own. I don’t need you waking me up at six, seven in the morning to tell me about him, like I somehow hadn’t heard. I am not interested. Get away from my house.
I am polite to people who are polite to me. Waking me up to tell me I’m going to burn in hell is rude, IMO. So fuck 'em. Beside, rude is more fun. This is why about 80% of my posts are in the Pit. Of course, if Hoosier had been polite himself, instead of castigating everyone in the thread, he might have gotten nicer answers. As it was, I’ve got even less time for people who defend missionaries than I do for the missionaries themselves.
This is supposed to mean something to me? It’s a tradition. Whooptey-fucking-do. Doing something because its “traditional” is just about the stupidest reason to do anything. Moreover, I am not a Christian. This is not my tradition. I don’t see why I should suffer for it. Hey, my ancestors had a tradition of murdering Protestants, but I have the courtesy to ignore that fine old custom when I’m around these people.
Okay, now that I’ve got his concrete points out of the way, lets look at some other things about our new friend that are particularly annoying. Lets start with his name. It’s a pun. For that alone, he should be shunned. Worse, it’s a sports pun. Excuse me while I shoot myself.
Then there’s the idea that religion automatically will make you a better person. Sorry, guy, but there are a lot of deeply religious people who still can’t get their shit together. Then there’s the bit where he gets pompous and self-righteous over all of us being pompous and self-righteous.
Of course, the best part is when he questions the faith of Lady Ice’s grandmother. How fucking arrogant is that? Granma thinks forcing your religious views on people is rude. She must not be a real Christian! This is the sort of shit that keeps me agnostic.
Lastly, and most heinous of all, is he has the gall to invoke the great Sam Kinison’s name in the defense of door-to-door missionaries. This just makes me sick.
So, based on this post, I made a snap decision: HoosierDaddy has nothing worthwhile to offer and can be safely ignored, except when I need an easy target to practice on. Of course, later posts may prove me wrong. If they do, I’ll apologize for past disagreements and pay more attention to what he has to say. Somehow, I don’t see that happening, though.
Oh, and he was wrong about the tongue, too.
So is nailing God to a cross when he shows up, but that doesn’t mean that I want anything to do with it! So is traveling to the Middle East and killing Arabs, and Jews, and anyone else who happens to be considered “undesirable” in the eyes of someone. Just because its a tradition, doesn’t mean that its a good idea.
I would like to clarify a few things for Hoosierdaddy and WhiteLightning.
My grandmother does this not only to missionaries but everyone else that comes to her door that she doesn’t know.
My grandmother is little (less than 5’) and elderly (85). She lives out in the middle of fucking nowhere. There have been incidents in her area such as scams and the like. My cousins ex-husbands grandmothers house was broken into in the middle of the night. His grandmother was not only robbed, but the fuckhead tied her up and raped her. She was 87 at the time. She almost died.She lived out in the country too.
So if my grandmother saves her own life by being rude and unchristian so be it.
Here’s another way to get back at them: run for public office.
In response to the Hoosierdaddy thing, I wasn’t commenting ont he fact that it was his first post, I wasn’t even so much lamenting the fact that apparently there will be more from him. My problem is that he knew he was coming in here just to bother people. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have posted that last statement. He knew he was irritating people. That’s quite a way to jump into posting on the SD.
The grandmother comment was unnecessary and annoying. I agree that being civil to religious telemarketers should be the first repsonse. However, as several people in this thread have pointed out, that doesn’t always work.
And zut, for your information, the comment
is off-base here. I didn’t imply that Hoosierdaddy is stupid simply because he’s a newbie. I have stood up for newbies who have been roundly trounced by the masses many times. This particular poster, regardless of post count, bothers me because instead of simply stating his case, he insisted on waving his “I’m obnoxious and you have to deal with me” flag around. Well, he wanted us to deal with him so we did.