Not At My Front Door (Or: Take your Religious Beliefs Elsewhere)

The BBQ Pit
1

I have had it with door to door religious proselytizers.

Booby trapped incinerator doormat, pongee stick traps under the walkway, buy a pit bull to sic on them had it with them. If these were the type of Christians that got fed to the lions, all I can say is that it’s a pity that this form of entertainment went kaput after the fall of Rome, and I can certainly sympathize with those who sent them there. They actually piss me off more than telemarketers, and given how frequently telemarketers wake me up during the day, that’s saying something.

Lest my ire here be misunderstood, I have nothing against ANY religion, Christianity included. I respect the right of others to choose a spiritual path that means something to them. If that means someone’s happiest worshipping in the Cult of the Jet Engine Killed Geese, I couldn’t give a reamed-raw dead rat’s asshole – so long as I don’t have to hear, witness, attest to, read or otherwise be forcibly informed about how wonderfully enlightening it is. Freedom of religion is a right I respect for others; all I ask is to have my own decision to not participate in organized religion be respected in turn.

There’s other reasons why I find this door to door Jesus selling to be utterly offensive, though. First, I was taught that there were some subjects that one simply didn’t discuss with someone unless the person was a close friend, and you could be fairly certain of being able to discuss the subject without giving offense. Religion was A-#1 on the old hit parade of subjects. And finally, religion is an intensely private thing to me. I don’t care to explain nor should I have to discuss my religious beliefs if I don’t choose to do so. It’s no one else’s business what I believe or how. Life is not an encounter group, and I don’t have to share anything about myself with anyone if I don’t wish to do so. I’d rather have a flasher at my door than a religious zealot; I’d be considerably more amused and less offended.

Enter the horde who apparently thinks that peddling their religion door to door like a life insurance policy is not only acceptable, but their divine right. Before I moved to Texas, (home of too many Bibles and too many bovinely stupid religious bigots with brains riddled with the Conservative Christian equivalent of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease), I rarely encountered such individuals. Now, they’re more prevalent than the riding-horse sized cockroaches (which are yet another wonderful tourist attraction of this rancid cesspool of a state).

The initial rounds of invitations to prayer groups and churches that I got when I first moved here were easy enough to decline. For a couple of years, my husband and I were left blissfully alone. However, in the past year, three things have changed: I began working nights at my firm, my husband’s children moved in with us, and three new neighbors moved in. All three go to different Christian Protestant churches. All have children who socialize with my husband’s. And allllllll of them are apparently convinced that because of our religious tolerance, my husband and I are eternally damned and taking the kids with us (unless of course, we attend their church and give a proper tithe of our income to it.)

In the past three months, there has not been a single week that one of them has not been dinning at our door (usually early Sunday morning when I have been asleep for a whole hour) asking if ‘the dear children’ can come to church with them, if we don’t care to go ourselves. We consistently decline. [The kids aren’t interested because they attend in a different city with their mother on the weekends they are with her, and I figure bimonthly doses of religious brainwashing is quite enough.]

Not content with the polite but consistent message we have been sending, they have chosen in this past month to step up their attacks. Their new campaign is to come by the house during the day (after all, there’s a car in the driveway, and they know I’m home), wake me up, and then ask if they can come in and talk about the Bible with me. The last one took the rudeness to new heights, however. Not only did she wake me up on a day when I was going to get only four hours of sleep, she actually had the nerve [upon seeing my bleary eyes and clutched together robe] to ask if I wanted them to wait while I got dressed so they could come in and discuss the Bible with me. Yeah, right. :smack:

Now, again, I was taught that unless it was a close family member or a very close friend, you just DON’T go barging into someone’s house uninvited, or drop by and invite yourself in. Apparently, either this bubble-headed bleached blonde boorette hadn’t been taught those manners, or else she figures they just didn’t apply to unwashed heathen such as myself.

But I’ve got my revenge planned. I know where these people live, and I’m striking back. I’ve got the name of their churches, and the addresses of their pastors, and of course, I know where they live. So, starting tonight, I’m going to reach out and touch a few of them. I think I’ll start with Nosy Neighbor Prays-A-Lot tonight. I’m going to go by HER house when I get off work at 3 a.m., knock on HER door, and ask if she’d like me to wait until she gets dressed so I can discuss my religious philosophy with her. After all, turn about’s fair play, right?

And besides, I don’t want to go to the trouble of tearing up our lawn to put in the pongee sticks.

2

I had this problem for awhile in Arizona.

It’s amazing who you can keep away if you consistently wear a sidearm in your house, and if you have a few empty liquor bottles in plain view from the door. :smiley:

“I’m a Devil worshipper. . . Did I mention that?”

Tripler
Yeah, the NEW JERSEY DEVILS.

3

Fuck religion.

I live on an Island. You have to take a boat to get there. We can see them coming a mile away. Gives us plenty o time to get out the shotgun.

4

Er, sorry about the double thread. I didn’t click the button twice, I swear.

I’ve seriously thought of greeting them with sidearms. Thought of letting my robe hang open, too, since I usually sleep in the nude, and see what reaction that got.

I’ve thought of a NO SOLICITING sign, too, but I don’t want to deter the neighborhood Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts, and I don’t mind school fundraising stuff. I’m afraid the religious people would come right on and the people I don’t mind coming around would stay away.

I think the waking them up in the middle of the night is the best ploy, though. Anyone have some good keep-away revenge tactics that wouldn’t cause prosecutable bloodshed? Maybe pillars of salt outside the door with signs around them saying, “This is what happened to the last Jesus sellers that knocked on this door…?”

5

Awwww, c’mon. I’ll bet that the people from the Cult of the Jet Engine Killed Geese have some kick-ass pamphlets.:smiley:

6

Something to consider though - I’d say most of us don’t really like religious trolls showing up at our front doors - which means that statistically speaking, geez, they must cop some fiersome rejection during the course of one day.

You gotta give 'em credit for this at least - they handle rejection pretty well. They bounce back big time.

All that rejection would leave me downcast I must say.

(smile)

7

Supreme Court ruled that going to a door for protselyzing is not tresspassing.

8

Oh by the way, they may enjoy engaging in discussion at anytime of the day, so such annoying tactics will most likely backfire…

I ought to know, I almost became a Jehovah’s Witness.

9

Let’s put it this way.

It may not be trespassing, but I am under no obligation to listen to it and I should not have to be subjected to it. Any more than they will be obliged to listen to me when I go ring-ringing of the doorbell at 3 a.m. [And I wasn’t entirely joking about that, by the way. I’m that fed up.] And that’s not going to be trespassing either, is it?

If I wanted to go to their church, I would. At this point, wild horses dragging me and the hounds of hell behind me could not force me to walk through the doors of any of their churches. No fucking way.

I think if they truly wished to improve the community, they could start by going and spending the time they put in knocking on doors with some worthwhile charity organization. Now that, I would say, would be truly carrying out Christ’s message. Harassing someone who simply does not wish to follow your religion is most definitely not.

And I hope they have a bloody awful day and that I contributed to it. I certainly didn’t have MY day improved by having to run on an interrupted four hours of sleep.

10

Heh, yeah, but they may not like my discussion. :wink:

Actually, the one group that has NOT bothered us has been…don’t faint…the Jehovah’s Witnesses! I almost wouldn’t mind having one stop around at this point. At least it would be DIFFERENT.

We figure the Christian churches have all taken turns riding them out of town on rails and using them for stoning practice.

And by the way, not trying to rip your head off, capacitor. The whole situation just gives me a non-specific urge to kill every time I think about it.

11

How in the hell is it not tresspassing? What sort of pseudo-logic was used to justify that ruling?

12

I really hope you do. Have a script memorized, too.

Hey, some Saturday morning at 3, ask them if they want to come wander the cemetary with you… although I suppose that making them think you’re a devil worshipper will probably increase the frequency of visits, rather than decrease.

Have you considered not answering the door?

13

Sounds like you need one of these

14

Hah, Wikkit, I like your style. I’d say I wished you lived in my neighborhood, but as you can tell, I wouldn’t wish that on…well, come to think of it, I would wish that on my worst enemy.

I have thought of not answering the door, and in fact, I’ve done that. Unfortunately, without getting up, I don’t know who it is. And, (1) they ring the doorbell multiple times, which means I’m going to be awake in any event, so I might as well give them some snarky response if I’m going to be awakened anyway, (2) we frequently get business packages delivered to our door, and just as frequently, have to sign for them in order to get them, and (3) sometimes it’s my husband who’s heading in from work for a bit and needs in because he’s forgotten his house keys.

I still like the pillars of salt. And it’s Texas, so it doesn’t rain often…

15

HAH! The anti-preaching sticker!!! The perfect solution! Juniper, that is too awesome. [Even if I did like the salt pillars.]

Heck, I’ll draw up a mockup of my own and put it on the door. That’ll take care of this Sunday, anyway.

16

This is why I love my video intercom.

It turns on automatically when the doorbell is rung so I can see who’s standing outside. Since it doesn’t stand out, most people don’t realize it’s there, so it’s real easy to make 'em jump by suddenly shouting “Whaddayawant?” at them. Then, if they haven’t identified themselves as someone you want to deal with, you just turn the intercom off and there’s nothing they can do but stare a door that never even opened. No arguments, no sales pitches, no feet in the door.

17

The Tim: I briefly searched around, and I did find that by posting a sign such as “No Solicitors”, you can have them cited for defiant trespass if they persist.

The SC’s beef was mainly that the law was written poorly. Technically, if someone was coming door to door with a petition, they would have been subject to the law as well.

Good idea, bad law.

18

Lionors, when you go to wake 'em up at 3am, take along a copy of a good Stephen King novel, and ask if they’d like to sit down and discuss it with you, since it’s so good.

(Or, if you don’t like King, use a Clancy or Grisham or hell, even a Piers Anthony might be ironically clever…)

And, rehearse a good response- when asked if you know what time it is, casually mention you just got off work, and since you’re usually asleep when they come around to your place during the day you figured they wouldn’t mind if yo stopped by why they were asleep.

Or something… a good, quick response might have more effect than a snide “look, asshole…” type remark.

I’d love to see it. :slight_smile: Kind of like that lady who barged into a JW “Kingdom Hall” during services and loudly asked if anyone wanted to buy a magazine subscription.

19

A cool Elwood that restores my faith in the SC.

If this happened to me I think I’d use the Principia Discordia as the book to ask them to talk about. Considering they will be drowsy and out of it they may believe they are in some sort of bizarre dream. Appropriate costumes and the like may help. Make the experience surreal as possible. Fuck with their fundie minds until you get them to break. Accomplices would help set up situations during the day that would help you pull their reality out from under them.

Hunt online for practical jokes like filling someone’s cubicle with packing peanuts while they are on vacation. Stuff like that can really mess with rigid people. Do not stop until their sanity is shattered.

20

write letters. post them through their doors .

dear neighbour who prays a lot,
please don’t come to my door any longer.
you are not welcome.
your religious views do not interest me.
my kids will never go to your church.
i will not give money to anything you are collecting for.
if you continue to disturb my sleep i shall be forced to take out a restraining order.
yours
Lionors

be as rude as possible.
the aim is to make them go away and stay away.

step on toes, hurt feelings, make them cry, at least your mornings will be undisturbed, and they will get the message.