With all due respect, Doc Nickel, Stephen King is for amateurs. Instead, pick up a copy of The Necronomicon*, or one of any number of books on Wiccan or other alternate religions. Putting on a pentacle necklace could also be a good tactic.
For a more direct approach, you could try telling them something like this. “Look, over the past several weeks, you have consistently disrupted my sleep, annoyed me, and generally made a nuisance of yourselves. My religion is none of your business, and, even if it were, there is no way I’d join a church which has people as rude and self-righteous as you are, so please mark me down as one soul your own actions have lost. Now get off my doorstep and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!”
I would have thought a small notice next to your doorbell push that says “No unsolicited religious calls please” or something to that effect would do the trick.
These people are acting on their sincere conviction that what they are doing is right and urgently necessary. There’s no reason to treat them any differently than you would anyone offering any unsolicited goods or service:
If you don’t want it today, say no thanks and close the door.
If they try to stop you closing the door, then get angry.
If you don’t want to hear about it ever, post a notice.
If the notice is ignored then get angry.
Umm… do these people realize you work nights? They might be assuming you’re at home during the day because, you know, all good submissive God-fearing women stay home and look after the kids. A simple “I’m working a night shift, please don’t wake me during the day” might be all you need.
Of course, if you’ve already told them this, then it’s clearly landmines-under-the-welcome-mat time. Come to think of it… you’re in Texas, they’re on your property… can’t you just shoot them?
My wife gets the Jay Dubs all the time, and she always talks with them. They aren’t too pushy and leave copies of The Watchtower and pet the cat. They talk about non-religious things.
One day they will try to proselytize, will ask my wife her religious and philosophical beliefs, and will probably run screaming into the night.
I had a friend in Salt Lake City who swore the following is true. I’ve seen his apartment – anyone else I would think they made this up. Even in SLC you have Mormon missionaries, because of the large numbers of “Gentiles” – they now outnumber the faithful there. MKt friend was heavily witnessed, and finaly agreed to meet with the missionaries at a given time.
Shortly after they showed up, my friend interrupted them. “I’ll get that,” he said. Then the phone rang. He spoke briefly, then talked again. Shortly thereafter, the painting on the wall behind him started to melt down the wall.
The phone call was pre-arranged. The painting was of wax and had a heater built in. He told me the missionaries left somewhat shaken. Even if they’d caught on and left in a huff, though, the performance would have achieved its object – the missionaries wouldn’t be back.
My goodness, Lionors you do have some nervy neighbors.
It seems to me that bluntness is in order. Apparently you’ve told them numerous times you’re not interested, and they still persist.
Tell them, “You woke me up for this?” and slam the door in their face.
The restraining order also sounds like a good idea.
I do like the 3am “witnessing” idea. May I also suggest Wicca for the Solitary Practioner or Living Wicca? Scott Cunningham has several books along that line.
Please let us know how it goes. This sounds like it’s going to be good.
Tell them they are not welcome to ring your bell during the day, as you are a night worker. Tell them that on no condition are the children allowed to go to THEIR church, as your relatives take care of that, and you will not appreciate any dogma aimed at your children over your express disapproval - and neither will their pastors/respective church elders. Include a few Icy Glares and mental (or muttered) :wally es.
Then give them all copies of Upton Sinclair’s On Religion for Christmas this year.
If that doesn’t give them the message, put up a No Religious-based Solicitation Accepted Here; We Prosecute sign.
Sadly, she’d have to drag them into her house first. You don’t have the right to just shoot people on your lawn, even in Texas.
I think I’d give the rude people a nasty glare and slam the door in their face. If they knocked again, I think I’d get mean: Said in a very low, very calm voice, “If you knock on my door one more time, I will have the police issue a restraining order against you, and if that still doesn’t get the point through your sorry little fuck of a mind, I’ll drag you into my house and shoot you and claim you forced your way in and tried to attack me.”
I love my neighborhood. The longest conversation we’ve ever had with a neighbor was asking the one to our right how much we owed for the shared section of fence she had done and we agreed to share costs on.
I should point out that I would never, ever actually drag someone in the house and shoot them. But threats like that rarely ever fail to get attention from those too stupid to get more subtle hints.
And the melting painting and psychic phone calls were positively brilliant!
Just one copy of the Necronomicon,
That’s the one at Miska-tonic U.,
So I’m writing out the Necronomicon,
When I’ve finished it, there’ll be two,
Only mine’ll be new.
The Elder Gods are coming someday
To occupy the earth anew.
If you’re not ready for them
You won’t like what they’ll do…
Everyone should read the Necronomicon,
Help the Elder Gods to come back through.
So I’m publishing the Necronomicon,
Should be ready to sell to you
In a week or two.
" . . . asking if ‘the dear children’ can come to church with them, if we don’t care to go ourselves."
—You mean total strangers show up at your door and offer to take your children off with them?!
The most effective way I have found to rid myself of door-to-door Jeezers is to look behind me and say, “I really have to go—Satan’s not going to worship himself, you know!”
Not necessarily. There was a case in the news a few years ago about a yound Japanese man who was walking towards a house while the paranoid homeowner shouted at him to get out. Unfortunately, the young man spoke only Japanese and didn’t understand what was being said to him. The homeowner shot the young man and was acquitted because “he felt threatened” by the young man. Caused quite an international incident at the time.
As for prostelytizing back at them, I suggest The Santanic Bible or anything by Alester Crowley.
I dunno; I’ve always found that answering the door with a cigarette in one hand and a can of beer in the other was an effective deterrent.
Seriously, if these are repeat offenders, I’d have a little chat with the pastor and explain that you are 1) a night worker and do not appreciate visits during the day, and 2) prepared to press legal charges if the visiting continues. Don’t laugh, it worked for a friend of mine.
One Saturday morning two women knocked on our door and were starting to prose–prosel–preach to us about the wonders of Jesus or something. It just happened to be just as we were about to start our D&D game. I brushed them off with a polite, “We have company at the moment,” as if they weren’t aware of the half a dozen cars parked outside our house, but I really wish I’d said, “We’re about to start summoning the Dark One. Would you like to join our ritual? You can hold the goat’s head.”
I should point out that I have a very, very soft and child-like voice. My own husband has trouble hearing me. I think that would’ve made the comments especially eerie.
Not the ideal solution for everyone, but Barb and I have found that welcoming them in and discussing with them the virtues of theEpiscopal Church and why they really need to get themselves within the Apostolic Succession often has interesting results. In extreme situations, we simply get out one of our John Shelby Spong books and begin reading some of his theology to them.
But the interesting thing is, every single time we’ve had witnesses come to the door, very shortly after we begin this process, they recall a doctor’s appointment for that day that they’d forgotten. Is it your experience that door-to-door evangelists are generally this forgetful? :o
Not the ideal solution for everyone, but Barb and I have found that welcoming them in and discussing with them the virtues of theEpiscopal Church and why they really need to get themselves within the Apostolic Succession often has interesting results. In extreme situations, we simply get out one of our John Shelby Spong books and begin reading some of his theology to them.
But the interesting thing is, every single time we’ve had witnesses come to the door, very shortly after we begin this process, they recall a doctor’s appointment for that day that they’d forgotten. Is it your experience that door-to-door evangelists are generally this forgetful? :o
I’ve employed similar measures with a high degree of success - never been bothered by JWs twice at the same address. They promise to come back at a later date and discuss my points, but somehow they never do. Perhaps Jehovah’s Witnesses are especially prone to some form of amnesia?