Ok, how many of you have gotten back together with your ex-spouse? I’m not talking about a one-night ‘divorced sex’ get together (though that sounds pretty good right now), but actually renewing a romantic relationship with him/her after getting divorced.
We separated almost 2 years ago and the divorce (a very amicable one: she wanted it, I let her have it, after months of counseling failed to change her mind) has been final for nine months or so.
Now, we communicate regularly, since we share custody of our kids, and get along great. Really, our phone conversations and chats in person are very friendly, warm, and relaxed. Yet I am usually the one who initiates conversations and contact between us.
I find myself wanting to see more of her and try going out some. She appears to be content with things as they are, however, and is so busy with her job and the kids half the time that I doubt she ever contemplates having a relationship.
I just can’t decide if there’s any real hope or prospect in the possibility of getting back together. Have any of you tried it? How did you decide whether it made sense to try? How long after the divorce did it it take for you to start thinking about that?
Since she initiated the divorce and doesn’t seem to be making any indications that she regrets the decision, I think you’d be better off assuming you’re never going to get back together. If you have a friendly, relaxed relationship as exes, you’re way, way ahead of the game, and trying to push for a romantic relationship may spoil that.
In general, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get back together with an ex, unless there was a very specific reason/problem that caused the breakup that has since been corrected. Otherwise, I think it’s easy to get seduced by the familiarity of being with someone you know well, and then find yourself having the same problems that led to the breakup the first time.
Relationships end or change for a reason. Maybe several.
The trick to getting back together is can you figure out what the real reasons were, and can something actually be done to change?
In my early 20s, my then fiancee and I broke up. A whole lot of shit, no one thing. About three years later, we get back together, both of us having gone through a couple of people each. Though the incredible lows weren’t there anymore, we had both changed quite a bit. That second coming ened up fizzling out. Kind of a waste of time.
Fast forward to today. Two different exes are calling me, IMing with me, etc… With one, it’s apparant that her selfish, manipulative tendencies haven’t changed. She’s lonely and bored and wants me to play with her. For a while. The other, I can tell I’m still in love with. And she has changed some. (She’s from 7 to 5 yrs ago, the first mentiond from 4 to 1 yrs ago.) I’ve changed, too. But, the whole thing scares me.
Check future threads for details…
For your case, give it a good honest evaluation. Talk to some trusted friends or family and then really listen to what they see. It’s very easy to fool yourself. Not so easy to fool a protective friend.
My advice? Go slow. And really pay attention. Maybe this is the second coming. But, it might be an all new heart ache.
Cheers.
Mine is dead so ummm nah I don’t think we’ll get back together anytime soon.
Not me, not ever. My ex-husband cheated on me and then moved straight into his lover’s apartment. Three months after he left, I got an email from him in which he told me what an idiot he had been for leaving me. I emailed him back to tell him to live with it because I’d never be able to trust him again. When we’d been separated for 6 months, I filed for divorce. Interestingly, not only didn’t he show up for the divorce hearing in court, but I learned from my attorney that his girlfriend had signed the divorce papers I’d had served on him. Fortunately I was granted my divorce with no hassles anyway. I haven’t seen or talked to him since the day he moved out and hope I never do.
I’d mention also that while I have no feelings of bitterness or animosity towards my former lovers from before my marriage, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend now (and could know if they were “available”), I wouldn’t want to re-ignite romantic relationships with them either. Those relationships, while I don’t regret them, ended for good reasons and I doubt those reasons would change. I’ve never gotten back with an ex and can’t see myself ever doing it – I see that as a backwards move.
Sounds like you’ve got a friendly relationship with the mother of your children – welcome that with gratitude. However, it also sounds like she’s not interested in getting back together with you, and she’d probably freak if you suggested. My advice would be for you to try to move on emotionally. I know it’s hard when you still have feelings for her – but don’t let yourself get stuck on “woulda coulda shoulda.”
Well, only sex is fine ? You might just have problems living together…
The only one I ever got back together with proved to be a mistake. We got along fine following the breakup and I began to miss him. When we reconnected, all the old junk resurfaced eventually and I was sorry I had even considered him again. I think we were both lonely.
Oddly, I still talk to him every couple of years now. He seems to enjoy our infrequent conversations, too. There were things I liked alot about him both then and now, but I am glad we didn’t hook up a third time. This gets reinforced whenever we do see each other.
Od course, there were no children involved. That may make things very different.