I can’t believe I’m doing this, but, Fellow Dopers, I could use your help. In about 5 hours, I’ll be at the pre-nuptial dinner for some friends who are getting married tomorrow, and, instead of wrapping their gift, wrapping myself (in clothes), etc., I’m slipping into a rather nasty depression. I did the same thing before my best friend’s wedding last September, but this time I’ve worked out the cause of it. I’ve put in a call to my priest, but I’m in for a rough few hours, and I could use a bit of support and encouragement.
Here’s the deal. I’ve referred on and off to my mal-socialization as a kid as next-to-lowest, then lowest on the school pecking order. One of the lessons I was taught is that I am unacceptable, unlikable, unlovable, and certainly unmarriagable. Two decades later, I’m still trying to learn those lessons are false. Weddings appear to be particularly tough, reminding me of just how unacceptable I was taught to think I am. BTW, “was taught to think” right now, is coming mostly from my head. My heart’s not real sure of those words. I don’t want to go to this dinner right now. Not alone. I don’t want to remind myself of just how alone I am and how slim the odds me actually getting married feel to be at this moment. I’ve been learning that the illusion I wove myself from frayed threads of being likable, of being, even fun, is nowhere near as much illusion as I thought it was. Recently, it’s even been feeling like reality, but right now, it’s just a dream waiting to become a nightmare.
Depression and I are old enemies. I’ve got a long list of old weapons to use against it, and I’m picking up new ones. My priest will be calling back in about 45 minutes, and I’ve got an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. Still, I could use a few hugs and a bit of reassurance until I can get back on my own feet. I will be genuinely happy for my friends this weekend, and I will deal with this as I always have, and maybe even a bit better. Still, even if no one responds, it helps to have a place where I can confess my sins and my failings.
I don’t know you too well, but I really doubt you are all what you’ve mentioned. I’m not married either, and all my friends are, but…oh well. Go and have a good time (at least try to), you don’t know, you might meet someone interesting.
First of all, CJ, I do sympathize with your feelings (although the particular situation isn’t one that bothers me personally).
The best way to stop this from happening over and over is to change your programming. I was brought up with the expectation that I would get married after high school, build my own house, maybe have a few kids. Well, I’ll be 42 in less than a month and none of that has happened. I also was the second-most-unpopular kid all through school. I do have a wonderful boyfriend, but you know what? I wasn’t looking for one when we hooked up.
Be yourself! Do what interests you, what excites you, what makes you happy–and if you happen upon someone that you like who likes you back, wonderful! If not, you’ll have a rich and fulfilling life and a circle of friends who like you for you. Accept yourself as a person who is pretty OK when it comes down to it.
Incidentally, I was told long before the movie came out that one of the best places to meet someone was at a wedding, lol.
I hope things get better for you soon, and it’s a good thing that you have appointments set up. Dealing with this kind of thing can be very discouraging at times, but keep it up!
CJ, your responses to my “shaking fears” thread calmed me down and comforted me very much, and I thank you for that. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering like this right now. Hopefully, you’ve spoken to your priest and he’s given you a hand up out of this valley.
Whenever I have my no-self-esteem moments (who am I kidding…week-long pits of despair), I remind myself that God has counted each hair on my head and that He loves each one of us as much as if we were each His only child. I find that that helps give me a grip on myself.
From my contact with you and from other posts you have made, I’ve found you to be very sensitive, caring, and warm. I’m certain these aren’t your only good qualities.
Please please don’t feel like this. I understand exactly what you are feeling. At school I was never popular - always the fat, clever kid who never did anything wrong. Even now years later I am still so so insecure. I am also convinced that there is something inherently unlikeable/unmarriable about me. All of my friends are in long term relationships or married I am only the only single one, turning up to weddings on your own and having the older relations look at you pitifully isn’t fun (or the photographer ask if you are gay when you take a friend as apparently it isn’t ‘normal’ for women of my age to be single) but hey I am out living my life how I want to. It struck me the reason I was going to all these weddings was because I have loads of friends who love me, a family who I adore and a life I actually love. I am sure you do to.
This is my first ever post but I thought you really needed a hug <hug>
Thanks, everyone. I made it to the dinner and was able to sit and talk with a very good friend, but I still got home with raging depression. Quite frankly, I’m honestly not sure if I’m up to the wedding. I know I’m wanted there, and I’d rather like to see the chupa (it’s a Jewish wedding) since I helped sew it, but I’ve got a lot of demons to face. Polycarp, if you look in on this thread, there’ll be two of us praying for “strength and courage” with more fervor than usual this morning.
Thank you, all of you, for replying and thank you ems for breaking your silence. Welcome to the board! Gallows_fodder, I’ve thought about you since that thread (it was a great title, BTW!), and I’m so glad you sound better. Oh, and iconoplast, happy (belated?) birthday. Today’s not going to be easy. Then again, it should be an opportunity for some much needed growth. At least I know what’s wrong now.
I thought this was a thread about how to get me to the altar.
CJ, You’ve got to find a way to turn off those negative voices in your head, but how to do that? It’s so difficult. I wish I knew how, because I struggled with that myself (and couldn’t shut them up without the help f antidepressants). Just try to keep in mind that it’s only ONE assessment of yourself that you’re hearing right now. And it’s a biased one. It’s your worst demons talking. They might be loud, but that doesn’t mean they are right. Friends and family and the better part of your soul all have a much different assessment of you. And their viewpoints are valid. You just can’t hear them right now.
When those older relatives look at you with pity, talk to them, be sweet to them, charm their socks off! Why? Well, because not only are older folks a lot of fun to talk to if you draw them out, but they probably have friends who have guys your age and if they know you’d like to meet a nice guy, you’ll probably get a few set-ups out of it.
I just wanted to follow up and close up. The wedding was beautiful; the reception was a blast! I was seated at a table with various and sundry friends of the bride and groom, including 4 fellow SCAdians and the daughter and son-in-law of two very close friends (see the What do you say to a naked lady? thread). Since at least 5 out of 8 of us were pretty musical, we got dubbed “the party table” by the band. Oh, and yes, I did flirt and dance with several gentlemen, including the groom’s brother.
Thanks for being there for me. Reading what you wrote, and having someone other than myself countering those awful voices helped tremendously.
BTW, I think we’re going to make the latest “Sequential Thread Titles” list. Right above this thread was “Gingy and Dave Get Married.” CrankyAsAnOldMan, I knew you’d come to mind when you saw this title, but I couldn’t come up with a better one that I had the courage to type (although, “I Need a Hug” may have been more accurate). Somehow, I hoped and didn’t think you mind.
CJ, somehow I missed this thread until now, but you know you’re in my prayers – and I wish that I had the right thing to give you as you were given the right words for me!
Best thing I can suggest is the story of C.S. Lewis – you’ll remember the delicious irony of what he titled his autobiography, expecting never to marry, and then the name of the woman he finally met, married, and then fell in love with and had his life enriched and fulfilled by her presence. Take that to heart; God has something special in mind for you, and has been equipping you with what you need to get you ready for it – and some of that “equipping” can be a mite like inoculations feel to a preschooler at the time it happens.
