I was recently at a wedding where the happy couple wanted precisely this - gifts in the form of money towards their honeymoon.
I don’t know if there’s a US equivalent, but the invitations directed people to this website, where you register, but it’s for cash for a holiday, rather than gifts: http://www.holidaysplease.co.uk/giftlist
While it might look like a good idea on paper, I’m afraid I have to report that it raised a collective eyebrow amongst everyone I spoke to about it, and everyone found it a tad cheeky and tacky. I don’t know if the couple themselves have found this out from anyone, or are off to the Maldives in blissful ignorance of how it was perceived.
Yeah, we discussed that too and it’s a great idea. The problem we’ve found when telling friends/family this plan is that they really want to give something to us, not someone else. They even seem a little disappointed, like we’re specifically telling them they’re not allowed to get us something.
It gets a little more complicated, I guess, in that people are invited to our wedding. We realize we’re not going to get all of our friends and family, but we’d love for anyone able and available to be able to come.
Oh please. I’m asking for advice on wedding gifts, NOT financial advice. We are totally fine financially speaking, but between the ring, trip to Vegas, honeymoon in Vegas/Cali, we’ll be coming home a couple thousand in the hole. This is a treat and a celebration, and we live so frugally I’m not going to worry about it. Still, I cannot help but think if people really want to help us out, that’s the best way to do it instead of getting more sheets/glasses/table cloths than we need.
Great idea! Thanks, I’ll recommend that to the 'ole lady and see what she says.
Yes, hugely is exactly the word I would have used! What is it about the SDMB that an innocent question about how to handle NOT getting gifts turns into judging my financial situation? It’s true that we cannot pay for an engagement ring, wedding bands, trip to Vegas and short honeymoon out of our savings, it’s not as if we’re racking up tens of thousands of dollars of debt out there. We’ll be coming home more in debt than before, but much less than most people in the US, and we’re okay with that. But, like I mentioned above, for people insisting on getting us presents, help in paying that off is the most useful and appreciated. But we don’t need it and would have never asked if not pressed.
I think that’s what we’ll do (and are doing) for the majority of people, but this question is specifically for people who don’t like that answer (and we’ve encountered several).
Honestly, yeah, we even hate the thought of doing that. My girlfriend moved in about a year ago, and it was a months-long process of comparing what we had duplicates of, and either combining them or throwing out/donating the one we liked less. Our house is pretty modest and there’s not enough space for duplicates/triplicates of things. In addition, registration has just really rubbed both of us the wrong way for a very long time and we really don’t want to do it.
That’s another great idea… I’ll have to look into a site where people can buy Vegas related stuff… even just dinner somewhere would be really nice. I’ll look into that.
As others have pointed out for me, this is EXACTLY what I said in the OP. We’re going to Vegas, we don’t need gifts but thanks for the thought. This question is for people INSISTING on getting us something. No need to apologize for something I stated exactly already.
As mentioned above, people are invited, but if they actually show up with us in Vegas, their presence is obviously gift enough for us. We’re inviting people we genuinely want there, we are not inviting them simply for the gift. Does this change anything?
I like this advice because doing nothing is my favorite thing in the world to do. And honestly, the biggest reason we’re doing this in Vegas is to get away from the “typical” wedding etiquette nonsense, so maybe we just need to do this “our way” and not worry about the people offended we’re not asking for gifts?
Thanks!
As mentioned above in my post, yeah, this is something we’ve considered but we run into the same problem… people want to give US something. But it is a great alternative, and we’ll definitely offer the option I think.
Why make this complicated? You really need cash so just ask for gifts you can flip on EBay for maximum dollar. (ie high quality Chef knife sets, top quality pot and pan sets, name brand mixers etc. etc. not decorative items. You may only get 70 cents on the dollar, even for brand new items, but the upside is you get what you want, and people are able to give you stuff and fulfill their social obligations.
What exactly do people say when you tell them “We don’t really need any more stuff for the house.” Do they say “Of course you need more stuff for the house!! You’re getting married!” Or is it “But then what am I supposed to get you if you don’t need stuff for the house??”. If the former, then my vote is that your better off just saying “No gifts, just well-wishes.” Keep in mind that gifts of china and towels are a tradition that many people are used to, you can’t expect people to happily change their traditions because it’s your turn to get married.
But if you sense replies are of the latter, that is, a dejected "But I have to get you something … " then, IMHO, those folks may be receptive to a honeymoon registry. Personally I myself would be a bit put off by the suggestion of a honeymoon contribution … BUT I wouldn’t be one of the people pestering you about gifts in the first place, I’d happily give you a bottle of wine and leave it at that.
I think this really is the best thing. Some friends (or rather, significantly, former friends) did the “Honeymoon Registry” thing that a few other posters mentioned for their wedding a couple of years ago, and spent the whole time leading up to the wedding talking to anyone who would listen about how they didn’t want more stuff, but oh, how they “needed” and “deserved” a vacation, how they’d never been on a vacation in the whole time they’d been together, and oh, traveling is so expensive and we deserve a vacation but there’s just no way we can afford it on our own…
This after they’d just spent $800 on a pair of brand new iPods.
The whole thing (and the way they talked about it) was just immensely tacky. The way the honeymoon registry site worked, it looked sort of like you were “buying” fun activities, meals and nights of lodging for the happy couple, i.e. you pick something from a list they’ve set up, so Aunt Tillie “buys” them a night at a hotel in Munich, Uncle Bob “buys” them dinner at the Hoffbrauhaus, etc. In reality, the honeymoon registry company just cuts the couple a check for the total amount “purchased” by gift-givers, minus the company’s fee. So not only are you, in essence, still asking for cash, but you’re not even getting the entirety of the cash that people intend to give you.
Some relatives still insisted on giving them towels and such, in addition to ponying up to the honeymoon registry, which I can understand. There is a certain symbolic value in wedding gifts, after all. But after opening the few boxes, the bride then had the utter, unfathomable gall to complain about not having enough presents to open.
Sorry, this turned into a rant and a bit of a hijack. I just really despise the “honeymoon registry” idea, and I try to steer people away from it.
Anyway, I really think you’ve got the right idea there: to simply say, “We really don’t need presents, we just want your good wishes, etc.” Some people will probably insist on getting you presents anyway, but I think you should feel free to draw the line that you’re simply not going to register for them. Accept any presents given in the spirit in which they are offered, and do your thing the way you think is best.
Congrats on the impending, by the way. My wife and I are coming up fast on our first anniversary, and even though we had lived together for years beforehand, even though our relationship isn’t different in any easily definable way than before, being married is awesome. I recommend it highly.
Ug. I had this same problem when I got married. My mom is one of those ladies who does flowers and decorations really well, so she’d done that for all of her church friends’ children’s weddings. All her friends felt obliged to balance the social debt by giving me “help” and stuff for my wedding.
The “social debt” felt by those whose weddings you’ve attended and bought gift for is not going to go away, no matter how often you say you don’t want gifts. Tell your parents and your best man/maid of honor you’d like cash, and let them spread the word. For those who really can’t bring themselves to give cash, consider carefully what household appliances you’d like (or would like to replace) and register for just those. It’s not the easy way out, but it’s the best for the Uncle Jeffs and Georges.
Congratulations on your upcoming engagement. Long life and happiness to you both!
I figured you meant quite a bit of debt, since that’s what you said it was. Sorry if I misinterpreted. Either way, my point is that you can’t ask for money.
My mom’s reaction was complete disappointment. I’m her son after all, and she wants to help me and my future wife in our lives together. I think to her, I was basically telling her I didn’t need her. She looked a little hurt.
My friend’s reactions have been mostly confused. I could tell the thought in their head was “wait… just a couple years ago you spent a couple hundred bucks and a ton of time renting a tux, buying a gift and standing in my wedding and now you want… nothing?” I think they just want to repay the debt, so to speak.
If our friends gave us a bottle of wine and a card, we’d be thrilled even though we don’t drink wine. A 12 pack of beer would be just as appreciated. But we need something for the people who think that’s not “good enough”.
“Social debt” is the best way to describe it! My girlfriend and I have spent a LOT of money on our friends’ weddings, and I think part of my friends want to repay that. I know if the tables were turned, I’d feel the same way. It’s a little weird to get a nice gift when you get married, but not give one when the original gift giver gets married (weird sentence, but you get it). We truly don’t want anything, but we’d prefer cash over towels, for example. The best gift they could give us would be to fly out to Vegas with us and buy us a beer once we’re there. We have some friends doing that for us.
The more I think about it, I do think this is the best solution. I think I may be making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
Right. That means accept whatever gifts those people (the ones compelled to give you something) give you. Hence the "let the chips fall where they may.
You are going to get gifts whether you register or not. This is the reality. If you don’t want them you will have to return them, which is a PITA, or sell them/give them away, while still writing the thank you notes for them.
Why not register for a few select things that you do really want, or which would be nice to have even though you don’t need them? Like some nice beach towels, or a new dish rack, or some really nice sheets, or that bread machine/ice cream maker/ whatever you always wanted? There must be things around your house that need replacing, or some extras that you’d like but wouldn’t buy for yourself. Those are the things you register for. You know you can register on Amazon.com for books and DVDs as well as other fun items. You don’t have to go to Bed Bath and Beyond or Williams Sonoma like everyone else.
We didn’t really need more stuff either, but it’s sort of a courtesy to people who want give you something but don’t know what, and think that cash is too impersonal. In addition, it saves you from getting piles of gifts you really don’t want and which you will have to deal with regardless. And yes, many people will just give you cash, esp. if you only register for a few things and they’re all bought up by the time your wedding rolls around.
Secondly, you are having my dream wedding. I totally wanted to go to Vegas and invite whoever wanted to make the trek out to join us.
But to the point…
…I love some of the things I received as wedding gifts. The actual physical items are nice to have (especially those I see everyday) and remember that such-and-such gave it to me (yes, even things I had registered for).
At the time, I thought that cash would be better (I had just gone through a period of unemployment, student debts to pay off on my spouse’s side) but now all that ‘stuff’ is treasured in a way that things I have bought for myself are not.
Which means that I also, as a result, like to give physical items as wedding gifts. It is a personal preference for me.
There are a lot of people like me. You are going to get presents. They will not want to give you cash (no matter how needed it is).
I would stick to your guns and keep urging friends and family to join you in Vegas. People that just HAVE TO give a gift will figure something out and you might be pleasantly surprised. Everyone else can give cash if they want.
The etiquette on this issue is to pretend to be unaware that the social convention of giving wedding presents exists; hence, no mention of registries or the desire for cash gifts on the invitations/announcements themselves. If people specifically ask, you may tell them what you would like. It is permissible to coach your parents and other close relatives on your preferences, since many people will prefer to approach them rather than ask you directly.
Congratulations, and may you have many happy years together.
For some reason, wine was a hugely popular gift when Brainiac4 and I got married (at the time he didn’t drink it - so it was a rather odd gift). But stocking your wine cellar or your bar (or your spice cabinet - another odd but popular gift for our wedding - vanilla beans and saffron and whole nutmeg and… it was a second wedding for me and I do have a foodie reputation) might allow people to buy you presents without you getting dishes you don’t need. Eventually, these things are consumed (but unlike sheets, it probably won’t be years that they sit around waiting to use them). It gives people SOMETHING to purchase, it gives them something to ponder and choose and feel personal about (Oh, look, this bottle has a dog on it, doesn’t wasson have a dog, I bet he’d like this bottle), and doesn’t cross the cash barrier.
" then, IMHO, those folks may be receptive to a honeymoon registry. Personally I myself would be a bit put off by the suggestion of a honeymoon contribution … BUT I wouldn’t be one of the people pestering you about gifts in the first place, I’d happily give you a bottle of wine and leave it at that.
