My girlfriend and I are getting engaged soon. It’ll be a short engagement, and we’re just flying to Vegas rather than spending a year and ton of money on a fancy wedding.
We’re getting married a little later than most of our friends did… I’m 29, she’s 27. We’ve also been living together for about a year. As a result, we’ve got plenty of shit and something about registering for gifts rubs both of us the wrong way. Normally we’d just say “we’re not registering, no need to buy gifts”, but the people we’ve told this to (mostly relatives and people whose weddings we’ve bought gifts for) find this unacceptable.
The only gift we really want is cash, to be perfectly honest. We’ve got nice stuff already and have no need for more. The only reason we’d want cash is to help pay off our wedding/honeymoon, so we come back relaxed and refreshed instead of having to pay off a big chunk of debt as we start our life together.
Asking for cash is tacky, not asking for gifts seems like a faux pas, and registering for gifts strikes as a greedy and the thought of it makes us uncomfortable.
If asking for cash for yourself seems tacky (though, frankly, so to me do bridal registries) then how about asking for donations to a favored charity in lieu of presents?
I thought the rule was: if persons are not invited to a wedding, they don’t have to give gifts.
I guess most of the people you give notice of the wedding will be glad to be off the hook so easily.
As for the people that have stated they want to give you something, despite you saying really no need, about two times, I would say appoint a master of ceremonies and refer people to him. Then instruct him that if people really want to give gifts (but are told you’d really rather not) then they can chip in for the Wassons’ Honeymoon Fund. Or the Wassoon New Washer&Dryer Fund.
This is considerably less tacky, and gets you what you want.
Yes, unfortunately it’s tacky and there isn’t anyway around that. Typically I’d advice scaling the wedding and honeymoon down to somehting affordable instead of getting into serious debt over it.
You could do what my husband and I did. We didn’t registered for gifts, and let our parents know cash was the most handy gift. This meant they could spread the word (to those who asked). And the request didn’t come from us. Anyone who asked us directly got the response “I’m sure we’ll love whatever you decide to get us!” If they pressed further we asked for vouchers.
So you’re planning on going hugely into debt and hoping to find a way to get your friends to pay for it? :dubious: I cannot think of any way to dress that up to make it non-tacky, much less polite.
Why not plan a wedding and honeymoon you can actually afford, and tell your family members to spread the word that you don’t really need much in the way of gifts? Then graciously accept whatever comes your way.
If you’re sending out announcements in lieu of invitations, I’d just put on the announcement that all you don’t need gifts, and all you want are good wishes. You can’t ask for cash.
My wife and I didn’t register because we had all the stuff we needed, and we said to people “Look, we’d really rather cash or gift cards. Please don’t buy us wine glasses and towels and linen, we’ve got heaps of it.”
And guess what we got? Yup. Wine glasses, towels, and linen, and not much in the cash or gift card departments. (We also got some very special and thoughtful gifts too, of course!)
Basically, don’t register anywhere if you don’t want to, but don’t expect cash because people just don’t like doing that for some reason.
Some friends of mine just had a “honeymoon registry”- you could buy them some random gift, or donate to an account set up to pay for their honeymoon through the travel agent.
I thought it was a terrific idea, but apparently that’s tacky too.
In any case, if you tell people not to buy you anything because you’re not having a wedding ceremony and they insist on giving you something anyway, I doubt they’ll be much put off by you coming out and asking for cash.
Registering is something you do as a favor to anxious aunts who are paralyzed with fear of getting the wrong thing. Would it be so bad to stop in a department store and register for some sheets and towels? Eventually you’ll need to replace the ones you have, anyway.
If you can find someone to do it for you, I think a registry for specific honeymoon-related items would be OK. Although Vegas doesn’t lend itself to this quite as nicely as some places. Because it would really suck to tell someone you didn’t win a thing with the chips they gave you. But if there are shows you plan to see, special restaurants where they could buy you a dinner, room service breakfast in bed, souvenir bathrobes, day trips, etc. That way you have something specific to thank them for when you write the thank you note. If a travel agent won’t do this for you, maybe a friend could coordinate it informally.
IME some people are fine with giving cash–but they don’t like to be asked for it. Most people don’t like to give cash, however–it’s not personal, it feels too much like a transaction, etc.
OP is right that gift registries aren’t exactly ideal–they’re a sort of practical compromise between the awfulness of directly asking for gifts and frustrated guests who want to give something the couple actually wants and can use. You don’t have to use them. It’s just that you can’t then turn around and ask more directly for cash–that’s way tackier than a gift registry. In particular, you can’t not invite anyone to a wedding and then ask the people you didn’t invite for money to pay for it. :eek:
If you’re going to fly to Vegas, then do it, don’t ask for anything from anyone, and let the chips fall where they may. (Sorry.) You’ll probably get some cash anyway. But if you ask for money, be prepared to have a lot of quietly revolted friends who are likely to distance themselves a bit, even if they feel obligated to cough up (which they shouldn’t).
This, actually. My husband and I were in much the same position - we were old enough and had been living on our own long enough that we had the stuff we needed already. We registered as a courtesy to people like my elderly Uncle George, who felt compelled to buy us something and wanted it to be something we actually liked - but who has no idea what in the hell we might actually like or enjoy. My Uncle George loves me, but knows perfectly well that our tastes and interests are not the same, and didn’t want to guess and risk giving me a fifth blender or a scuplture that made me think “WTF is this?”. Or for people like my husband’s Uncle Jeff, who good manners dictated we invite, but who my husband hadn’t so much as laid eyes on in decades. Uncle Jeff would have been horribly hurt not to be invited at all, but we all knew there was no chance he’d come to the wedding because he hasn’t been to any family function in 25 years, including his father’s funeral. We sent him an invitation because not to do it would have hurt his feelings, basically. He sent us a gift because he does wish us well and sending a gift lets him not have to feel like a dick for not coming to the wedding. Registering for gifts let Uncle George and Uncle Jeff not worry about it.
A lot of families have Uncle Jeffs or Uncle Georges in them. And, particularly in the older generations, some people don’t feel comfortable giving cash. To some people, giving cash is tacky - an indication that you can’t be assed to try and select a gift that’s suited to the recipient. A registry is a courtesy to those folks.
The thing it do is tell your parents/best man/matron of honor the deal: That you have plenty of household goods and if someone feels absolutely compelled to give a gift (something which you do not actually expect or demand, naturally), the most useful gift would be monetary. Then register for some household odds and ends in a larger department store and also tell the same people that, for those traditionalists who feel they must get a physical object as a gift, you’ve registered for a few things at X store.
You are soooo close here. Asking for cash is tacky, yes. Registering for gifts gives an expectation of gifts, which is tacky. But not asking for gifts is *not *a faux pas. Asking for gifts, or mentioning gifts on any sort of invitation or announcement, is tacky. The bride’s and groom’s polite response to the ‘what can I get you?’ question is, “we don’t need anything at all.” This is particularly appropriate when no one is invited to a wedding. Your parents, if asked, may tell people that you have everything you need, but would really appreciate a cash gift, but that’s about as far as you can politely go, per Miss Manners, whom I would trust on this issue.
Bottom line: you do nothing. If someone wants to get you a gift, they will. You don’t get to tell them what to do with their money. Just be grateful for anything you get in the way of a gift, as none should be expected.
Congratulations on your impending engagement, and best wishes to you and your beloved.
I vote for selecting two or three charities to recommend a donation be made in your honor. Include a brief sentence or two to explain why you selected these charities. “Because of our devotion to dear Rover, we have chosen the Local Pet Shelter as a recipient for donations made in celebration of our marriage.” if you provide two or three organizations, the giftor can select one of their choosing while still considering your recommendations.
I might avoid the local battered women’s shelter for this particular celebratory acknowledgement, but that’s another thread…
And, no, there is no way to even suggest cash without being tacky.
I would say appoint a master of ceremonies and refer people to him. Then instruct him that if people really want to give gifts (but are told you’d really rather not) then they can chip in for the Wassons’ Honeymoon Fund. Or the Wassoon New Washer&Dryer Fund.