When I was 14, my cat gave birth to kittens. At the same time, a new washing machine was being installed in my apartment’s kitchen which left a large hole in the wall. I saw that hole in the wall and realized it could be a hazard for the kittens but brushed it off as unlikely that the kittens would go to the kitchen as it was at the other end of the apartment and I’d never seen them make it there. I was also annoyed that such a hazard would created. I didn’t do anything to make it safer.
Some time later, one of the kittens was missing. It must have fallen through the hole. I didn’t hear any noises at that time.
The thought that because of my negligence and laziness, a kitten had a painful death caused by either asphyxiation or thirst hasn’t left me in 13 years. I understand that a painful memory like that is useful in that it has made me more careful in similar situations. But at some point I have to move on emotionally. Anybody have any ideas?
It’s okay to feel bad about causing the accidental death of a living creature, but you should definitely forgive yourself and move on – especially after 13-14 yrs.
If this is a genuine problem, speaking with a counselor or therapist is the best option. Good luck to you.
Making mistakes and feeling guilty about them is how we learn what to do and what not to do. If you learned a lesson from this oversight and it prevented you from making even more serious mistakes in the future then it comes under the heading of tuition in the school of life. As long as you are not still routinely contributing to the avoidable deaths of helpless animals, then its safe to say that you can and should put this incident behind you. No amount of guilt or self flagellation is going to undo the past.
You’re not perfect. It’s kind of expected that you are going to make mistakes in life. Especially at 14. But if you let guilt paralyze you, you are compounding the error. Move on.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll carry on making mistakes, and carry on regretting them. Scarcely a day passes when I don’t at least once inwardly groan at some memory that surfaces unbidden from my past.
Usually, it’s just over something I did or said that was stupid or mortally embarrassing, rather than harm-causing, but you can’t change the past - you just have to groan, then grit your teeth and resolve to move on, hopefully wise enough not to repeat that particular mistake any more.
Whatever you believe about the nature of the universe, it’s true that one day, the thing that pains you to remember it, won’t matter any more.
Seriously? You’re crippled by guilt over a missing kitten during childhood that may or may not have been prevented with improved home maintenance (which you weren’t really in a position to perform anyway)?
Imagine if you’d ever done anything bad. You’d be a vegetable.
If you’re having trouble moving on, perhaps try meditation or cognitive-behavioral therapy. It’s not just for people with depression/anxiety/parrotitis.
One technique you could try is breathing in, tensing all your muscles, imagine all your guilt and sadness welling up into a tiny little ball, then breath out! When you breath out, release all your muscles and imagine that ball dissolving into the wind. Give it a try.
Or, and this is going to sound weird, try this- do a jigsaw puzzle, and as you’re looking back and forth over the pieces, think about the kitten incident. REALLY think about it, from start to finish, and think about how you felt at the time and how you’ve felt ever since. I mean kind of relive it. There’s something about rapid eye movement that helps to process trauma and be able to let it go. It can’t work, might work.
Assuming that you’re not saying that you think about this all the time, but only that when you DO think about it you still feel guilty, that’s normal. I don’t ever want to reach a point where I don’t feel a twinge of discomfort when I think about things I’ve done wrong. That twinge is there for a reason, and it’s meant to be permanent.
Big second/third to this. It’s good to have that terrible squeeze of guilt or mortification at some mistake, gaffe or whatever I made in the past because that stops me doing that kind of thing in the future.
Mistakes are how you learn, guilt is fine because that allows you to learn and atone. What isn’t helpful is shame as that’s simply emotional poison that makes you feel bad without any chance of doing something about it.
Is that a genuine cognitive behavior technique? Wow…no wonder it works. :eek:
Also, breathing helps. No, seriously – people often forget how to breathe properly, which deprives your brain of oxygen and triggers irrational thinking. So if you’re feeling emotionally scattered, simply take a break and focus on slow, deep breaths. That technique alone can work wonders.
Yep, EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, can significantly resolve past traumatic experiences. I am the one that came up with the self-help by jigsaw puzzle, though- my therapist even put my idea into her book about EMDR. Works for me!