Sorry BoBettie, I don’t think I have a condition that will require therapy. I’m merely pondering the thought that I could recieve pleasure that would displease my wife. There’s such an incongruity there that I wouldn’t mind someone else to say, "you know what, its totally irrational if you love your partner to desire and expect sexual exclusivity. I just know that that dog won’t hunt and I wonder why.
Well, how much importance do you attach to it? For example, how would you feel is she were to seek pleasure elsewhere? Are you okay with being married to her while she’s boinking other guys?
btw- this is a serious question. Not a finger-wagging “good for the gander” type thing. If you have no problem with her having multiple partners, then in an ideal situation, she wouldn’t have a problem with you having multiple partners. You’ll just have to find a wife that agrees with that scenario. They’re out there, just not numerous.
As irrational as it may seem, many people can not seperate sex, love and fidelity.
I see marriage as hard to maintain without the additional stresses of infidelity. I want to feel as if I am enough for my man, that even after all these years, he would still choose me. If he wants to stick his dick in something else, then he loses the life we built together. He has to want us more than he wants that. It’s irrational for him to think he can put his dick wherever he wants to. Even if he gets opportunity on his end, he still has to deal with the consequences on this end. Fidelity was part of the deal from the beginning when he wanted to be mine alone. Fantasize away! I myself daydream about husky firefighters, of eating a gallon of Godiva icecream and not getting full or sick or tired of it, of wearing 70 million dollars worth of pink diamonds…you get the picture. But my husband doesn’t get to say “If you loved me, you would want me to be happy and not be hurt if I’m not faithful to you.” He also doesn’t get to stick his dick just any old place he can. That dog won’t hunt.
I think I’m getting your viewpoint here as love not necessarily equalling sex. And sometimes it doesn’t–it’s perfectly valid to love someone and not desire them, or desire them and not love them. But sometime it does, and it’s arguable that the potential for a romantic attachment increases with sex.
It comes down to how secure you and your wife are in your relationship, and what it’s based on, and how you handle sexual matters.
Reading back to your OP: everyone fantasizes. It’s nothing to feel guilty about. You’re doing the right thing by your wife, and that’s what matters.
Am I the only one who’s disappointed that this isn’t a geology thread…?
Oh. I guess not.
Anyhoo… I presume your wedding vows had words to the effect of “cleave only unto thou” or its modern equivalent. Sexual monogamy is still the default option of matrimony. If you and your wife haven’t together decided to have an open marriage, it’s entirely reasonable for her to expect you to remain faithful, and for to expect the same of her.
My Guy and I have been together, monogamously, for over 19 years. I consider myself blessed to have a partner who gives me everything I could ever need, sexually. Neither of us has any reason to look elsewhere.
My Guy, though, has a difficult problem of other people (both men and women) always coming on to him. He’s extremely attractive, and has one obvious physical attribute that everyone seems to know about. Being totally monogamous by nature, these aren’t really temptations for him, but annoyances, and he’d rather not have to deal with them all the time. There are a lot of people who just can’t take no for an answer, and each of them thinks they’re the one and only person who can come between us. I have even received threats from people a few times over the years.
Now there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about other people; in fact it’d be very unusual if you never did. And I can’t pass judgment on you even if you act on these feelings. I’ve know plenty of couples who have “open” relationships, and if it works for them, fine. But before you walk down that path, I suggest three rules:
Talk it over with your partner first; you’d be surprised at how understanding she might be, and yeah, maybe she’s got ideas of her own. If you do anything behind her back, it will definitely come back to bite you. If you develop an open relationship and it works for you, good. If you’re “cheating” behind her back, not good.
NEVER get involved with someone who’s already in a relationship, unless you KNOW that it’s open. Don’t take the other person’s word for it.
If you come on to someone and she turns you down, have the sense and decency to walk away. No means no. Don’t think that you can wear down her resistance by becoming a nuisance. There’s a fine line between nuisance and stalker.
Not really a big jump?? It’s the difference between having sex with someone and masturbating. Ask any guy that can remember what it was like being a virgin and he will tell you that that’s one LARGE jump.
Because you would be sharing an intimate connection with someone other than your wife - and that connection is one of the bases of your attachment and commitment. You may be able to disconnect emotion and sex, but many of us females are wired otherwise.
One of the bedrocks of emotional intimacy is that you share certain things with your partner and nobody else. That makes you bonded and special to one another. When you go opening some of those shared intimacies to others, you break the bond that was forged when you created them togetheer.
This is exactly the sort of nonsensical advice that would have kept me from marrying my wife. The “s” in stalker stands for “success”!*
As to the OP, I think that, as others have stated, the problem comes from the understanding that you and your wife have. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings, per se, but if that isn’t the type of relationship you agreed to with her, then it isn’t fair of you to suddenly change the contract on her.
*Disclaimer: the stalking commentary is a joke related to my persistence in trying to convert my now-wife from a good friend to a girlfriend. In no way do I condone true stalking, and I don’t mean to make light of anyone who has had to deal with a real-life stalker.
You’re still gratifying yourself to another woman who ISN’T your SO.
You see Cyn made the point that it’s important for a woman to know that she’s enough for her man. This is something I’ve heard ubiquitously from other women. I"m merely trying to point out that the actual physical act of being there and jerking one off to another woman isn’t that big of a jump.
At least in the context of a monogamous relationship.
Um, OK? I never said anything about therapy and still don’t understand at all what you’re getting at. As I asked in my first reply, are you saying that you feel guilty because, despite having a good sex life with your wife, you think it would be fun to have sex with someone else?
I don’t know why, but those feelings run deep for most people. We can come up with all sorts of rationalizations, but I suspect that it goes far back into our evolutionary past. The hurt of being cheated on is one of the strongest hurts there is. Marriages end because of it. People die because of it. Country music was invented because of it.
Why would you want to bring that sort of hurt on the person you claim to love most in the world?
I spent many years separating love from sex. I can have loveless sex, and sometimes it’s great sex. My husband also had a lot of good, loveless fucks before we met. But when we are together I feel like there is something different - I’m not guarded. I’m more open to suggestions and more vulnerable.
Recently I found out he cheated on me. The pain is indescribable - and this is coming from someone that can intellectually separate love from sex. I guess when I boil it down it’s because I know that no matter how sexy or wild or loved or special I thought I was, I really wasn’t. I wanted to be the one that was enough for him, and I really wasn’t. That’s why it would hurt your wife so badly. Because there is a part of you that can pretend she doesn’t exist, even if for a little while, and that hurts her ego.
*We’re in counseling and working it out. It was a drunken one night stand. Doesn’t make the pain any less, but I suppose it could be more if it were a relationship, which I haven’t even touched on.