Jealousy is one of those things like religion or fashion that I am fundamentally unable to get, I think. My personal logic is that
I want SO to be happy.
Manly bits make SO happy.
If my manly bits are not available, than I have no objection to her making herself happy with any available manly bits, because
Another’s manly bits are not liable to change my SO’s feelings towards me, but if said bits do, and owner of said bits does make SO happier than I do, then 1.
SO, ironically, is horrified at the thought of cheating on me, although I have explained that it’s only cheating if it’s not allowed.
I can compurehend the primal “Rawr! Hands (and other bits) off my SO!” urge, although I do not feel it myself, but why do so many otherwise intelligent people let said urge dominate their rationality? Is there another side to jealousy that I’m not seeing?
There’s a fear that if your buddies find out that your girl has sex with other men, that will make you look unmanly to them, causing you to lose status.
There’s a long-standing, possibly instinctive worry that you will end up expending resources caring for what are actually another man’s children. This is counter-productive to your evolutionary goal of passing YOUR genes along to the next generation.
There’s the worry that the woman might like the other guy more, if given the chance to find out, and leave you, forcing you to take another (possibly lower-quality) mate.
There’s the modern worry that she’ll pick up some disease and pass it to you.
I believe jealously is inherently all about possessiveness. You’re MINE and nobody else can have you.
Personally, I think it’s a waste of energy. Although I do believe sexual fidelity is probably a good practice for a multitude of reasons, most having to do with health issues.
Actually, from what I’ve been able to gather, jelousy usually comes out due to anger at one’s own self, being directed towards others due to an inability to handle the fault that’s causing the anger. An example- I get jelous of a few of my friends when they flirt with each other. I’m fine about it when I have someone to flirt with as well, but if not, I get jelous. -Their- situation hasn’t changed at all, but mine has. I’m actually more angry about my -own- situation, but it’s nothing I can change, so I get jelous towards them.
When your lover or spouse is sleeping with, or wants to sleep with, someone else, it’s an indication that he or she doesn’t doesn’t love you or find you attractive anymore. I mean, if he/she was happy with YOU, there wouldn’t be any reason for him/her to be romantically or sexually interested in somebody else. Been there, had it done to me. It’s devastating.
jealousy=control freak
if we are happy with ourself we dont settle for someone that is willing to break our hearts for any reason… if not happy, we try to control those around us in an effort to gain control over something, anything, as long as we dont have to look within to where the problem really lays…
Yersinia ~~ it isnt a matter that your SO wasnt happy with you, it was a matter of them not being happy with themself… trying to find a way to feel better about themself by hurting those they claim to love… not easy to come to terms with, i know from personal experience, but it isnt about you at all… it is about them
Obviously, there is a large scale to all this, with the psychotic wife-beater who threatens anyone who ‘looks at his bird’, at one end, to the Vulcan set at the other extreme, like yourself. Most of us, I would think, fall somewhere in the middle.
Perhaps you should look at it from your S.O.'s side of the fence?
I married a Vulcan, like you. He’s not a bad person, far from it. He simply doesn’t feel emotions. Anger, jealousy, sometimes, sadly, happiness. It may be down to having excessively cold parents - for example he cannot remember ever being cuddled as a child and was never told he was loved. It’s incredibly sad.
From day one, I had to learn that jealousy was not an issue. Male friends, not only could I have 'em, by the score, I could go on holiday with them if I wished. And as a young girl, I just thought that if I did lots of things better than everyone else, he’d come to feel passionately about me. So I set out to be better at everything one could be. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I realised it didn’t matter what I did. He’d remain the same. So I gave up.
If you want a great example of this in literature, read Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair (or there’s a good movie of it too). The un-jealous husband, Henry, carelessly loses his very faithful wife after airily instructing an acquaintance, Bendrix, to ‘take her’ out and entertain her. Don’t be a Henry. At least show some willingness to protect your relationship. Or she may find more emotional satisfaction and reassurance elsewhere, with someone who at least has the decency to frown when a man is making an obvious play for his gal.
Good post, Rapunzel, and while I don’t really have emotions beyond paranoia (if that’s not an emotion “crippling fear” will do) homicidal rage (I’m sort of kidding), I at least have the sense to know when to fake it. If you don’t fake it your woman might think it’s because you don’t care if she doesn’t love you. In thoery you’re living like an enlightened modern man but life is not a sitcom and most women are totally irrational and are prone to lapse into the age-old gender roles that demand they be possessed. Naturally, you can’t change this. Because they’re irrational.
This, I think, is the crux of our disconnect. If a Bendrix were to make a play for my SO, so what? Either my SO will kick his ass (for she does not share my views on jealousy), or perhaps realize that she loves him more. This would suck, but if it were the case, than I would want to step out of the way. To me at least, my SO
s happiness comes many steps ahead of our relationship. As it stands now, the two are linked. But if they ever work at cross purpouses, I’d break things off myself.
Well, I don’t seek sexual prowess status among my manly friends, don’t plan to have kids, and am prepared to deal if she does like another guy more than me. Should I sign up for the pointy ears and 3-d chess set?