I know that jealosy has a very strongly selected by evolution as a means of keeping one’s mate’s nauty bits where they should be (in proximity to yours) But still, why do thinking people get so all fired jealous?
Take marital infidelity, for instance. Why do people get so worked up about it? Would it help if permission was asked first?
Take the even more silly reactions people have when their SO sees a cute guy/girl. Are people really so insecure and not past their gut feelings that this really threatens them? Why do so few husbands say, “I’m going to be sleeping at the office this week. Feel free to have fun. Maybe you’ll learn something.”
The evolutionary purpose of jealousy?
(1) If a female cheats on her male partner, she could get pregnant with another man’s child. Before the age of DNA tests, it was quite possible that a man could be wasting his time raising offspring that aren’t his and thus not spreading his genes to the next generation.
(2) If a male cheats on his partner, he could run off with another woman and leave the female in a dire predicament, like being pregnant and facing motherhood without any assistance.
My current boyfriend cheated on me once–just for the kicks of being a “player.” He also flirted heavily with a co-worker. It made me feel like shit, for two reasons: 1) he didn’t care enough about my health to not risk passing an STD on to me, and 2) I hated thinking that what he does with me, he did with her.
Perhaps women are more prone to jealously because of the penetration aspect, but I dunno. It’s not just meat, you know–a slice of bologna wrapped around a hotdog–it’s a human connection.
Interesting analogy ;), but I think that both sexes are equally susceptable to jealousy. I know that I am fiercely jealous.
For me, it boils down to: If your SO wants to be with someone else, they should have at least have the courtesy of dumping you first.
Are you forgetting things like trust, intimacy, honesty, and concern for your SO, among other reasons in your OP?
If you are cheated upon sexually, will you be cheated upon with your intimate secrets between each other, your money, etc?
Cheating occurs at a base level of the human condition. Cheating in one area may very well indicate it is OK to cheat in other areas of the relationaship as well.
Do you have anything in your life you share just with your SO you would really not like shared with anyone else?
I don’t understand the jealousy thing either. I’d hate to be ditched (whether it be in favor of some other guy or simply in favor of the absence of me being pretty immaterial), but I don’t tend to worry about it, and in particular don’t see other prospects as representing significant risk.
I’ve finally decided I’ve got the emotional equivalent of red-green color blindness or something and just accept that other people feel something that I don’t feel and don’t understand.
Very well put AHunter3 I suffer from pretty much the same thing. So much so it sometimes gets me in trouble and I have no clue as to why. An example of what I’m talking about; One time I was siting at the table with a friend of mine his girlfriend and my girlfriend. Me and my friend begin talking “We need a guys night out, like Vegas or something” Then I was like “sure I’m game” Then my girlfriend pipes in and says “Well fine me and cindy (the girl that was with my friend) will goto the hip hop club and dance with cute guys” I then say “Cool fine by me”
This set her in an uproar becuase apparently I should have got jealous when she said that. [shrugs shoulders]
However thats not to say I wouldn’t get extremely upset if my SO cheated on me. I guess its more of a territorial type thing.
My girlfriend can’t cheat on me because in order for it to constitute cheating there’d have to be some kind of official rule established between us that said she can’t engage in sexual behaviors with other people. We don’t, so it wouldn’t be cheating. She doesn’t seem to have any, umm, extracurricular interests, which is good for our health. (we’ve promised to inform each other if anything like that ever happens, for health reasons).
I see a lot of this as the club. Couples come in all the time thinking that they are “enlightened” and can handle being “swingers”. Sometimes it ok, other times one of them is out in front of the club crying or otherwise pissed off while the other is somehwere getting it on with a third party.
In orientations I tell people that swinging will not “save your marriage/relationship.”. People who think that are nuts. The more persons you add to any scenario the less stable it becomes and the more work it is. I think there are just some people who treat it like a hobby that you have to work a lot to be good at and then there are some folks like me who really don’t get jealous about sex.
To clarify, that does not mean I never get jealous. I do, just not over sex. I get jealous if a lover goes to a movie I want to see with someone else or to dinner with someone else because that is good food and conversation time. But sex is just sex. I think of sex as just a nice thing and something i can do with anyone, but conversations and experiences out and about are unique and must be shared with someone special to me. Hell for me I don’t get sexual jealousy for people who are (or claim to be) really “in love”, I mean if you love someone and they do something that makes them feel good (STD’s are out there obviously I’m talking about safe sex) why not be happy for them? I can’t think of something much cooler than my best friend being with my girlfriend. Two people I really care about enjoying each other. I know it does sound weird, but I just seemed like a good thing to me. Still makes me smile thinking about it.
I think jealousy is just a form of insecurity. If you are worth being with then people will be with you, if not then people will move on. I’m sure as hell not the best looking or greatest guy in the world, but I don’t sweat what I have no control over and I’m pretty sure that even if I was interested that my jealous attentions would have little to no effect, or possibly the opposite effect.
So, from an evolutionary perspective, why would a husband be jeaolous of his wife’s lesbian lover?
I pretty much agree with this part of your post (I’ve no experience in swinging, nor much interest in trying, so I’ve no opinion about the first part)
I’ve felt jealousy during one of my relationships (not a strong jealousy like trying to prevent her form meeting people or such things, but I felt jealous nevertheless) . And it certainly was a result of my own insecurity and lack of confidence in my partner. I had not much issue with the concept that she could sleep with someone else per se, but I was mostly affraid that she would ditch me if she was to meet someone she would fancy more than me. And of course she would have. But my jealousy wouldn’t have changed a thing anyway. If she was feeling like moving on, finding someone else and ditching me, she would have done so, regardless whether or not I was jealous. Actually, like you said, jealousy, in most cases at least (I understand there are people who don’t feel they’re loved when their partner isn’t jealous) has a reverse effect. A jealous partner is a pain in the ass.
If your partner is ready to move on, there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it anyway, and spliting is the best solution for both partners. There’s no point in trying to prevent someone who doesn’t love you anymore from leaving you.
If your partner doesn’t intend to move on and actually wants to stay with you, jealousy and the lack of confidence it demonstrates poisons the relationship and is the likely to result in precisely what you’re trying to avoid.
As for the territoriality thing, I don’t really care about that. I would be mostly worried about my partner not telling me about her having cheated (if she’s concealing something like that, it could mean that there’s something serious going on
I should certainly worry about) and STDs (for obvious reasons).
By the way, I never cheated on my partners, not really because I thought it would be the worst thing ever, but usually because I thought it would be a hassle and not worth it.
That say, I can understand that people are jealous, and I don’t think it’s something particulary bad, as long as it doesn’t result in a control trip. It’s a natural feeling, but nevertheless not only counter-productive in my opinion but also displeasant for both people involved. Who wants to feel jealousy? I guess I can thank my stars for not having a jealous personnality.
Because his wife doesn’t share 
and from an evolutionnary perspective, because he wants to spread his genes with his wife’s lover
This “make him jealous” business seem to be fairly common among some women. Once a really attractive woman blatantly hit on me at a bar, but it turns out she was just trying to make her nearby boyfriend jealous. Really pissed me off.
Perhaps we can discuss this phenomena a little. Ladies?