My house is haunted. I need a way to raise and confront the ghosts to see what my next step should be. Benign ghost will get to stay with the house until it is destroyed in 2012. Malevolent ones will need to be exorcised.
I need surefire methods here, people!
Given the skeptical nature of most of the TM, I doubt that you are going to get polite answers to this question.
However, since you are looking for factual information, rather than a debate on whether ghosts actually exist, I am going to nudge this over to General Questions.
NOTICE to ALL:
The question was asked for a specific answer. Posting lots comments that there are no ghosts is not a legitimate response. If you need to make those comments, open a new thread in GD or The BBQ Pit and simply refrain from posting in this thread.
[ /Moderating ]
I’d use sympathetic magic. If Great Aunt Mabel died choking on chocolate cake, you should start baking immediately.
Okay, if you have to be serious… (Seriously?)
I suggest using a combination of offerings combined with direct summoning of the spirits. In most cultures, people attempt to propitiate them through offerings of valuable substances. Food, alcohol, tobacco, blood, and small trinkets are common. Just set up a general purpose “ghost altar” place the stuff down, and announce that you are giving all this stuff to them in return for making themselves known to you. Keep at it until they show up. If you have to, I guess you could make a living sacrifice of a small animal like a pet store feeder rat. If that doesn’t get them going nothing should according to mythology.
You could also try confrontation. Many of the more woo-minded ghost hunters like to try being belligerent in hopes of provoking a response. Since local exorcisms tend to work best on ghosts, I’d suggest using a format from whatever religion you believe in most.
Okay, under TomnDebb’s directive, I have a few questions:
If the house is going to be destroyed anyway, it seems to me that you should just exorcise them in either case.
See The Truth About Ghosts, from the webpage of modern mystic Donald Tyson. (According to him they are real, but they are not really the souls of dead humans and it is very important not to mistake them for such.)
Ghost porn! 
Given the preponderance of hard-headed atheists, confirmed skeptics and evangelical non-believers that populate this forum, it probably isn’t the best place to ask this question. However, since I’ve had some personal experience with haunted houses (you can read about it here), maybe I can offer some advice. In my case the ghost was a benign one and only put in an occasional appearance, and besides I was only renting the house, so I made no effort to be rid of it…In fact I rather came to like it.
Since ghosts, so far as we can tell, are outside the realm of the physical any dealings with them must be done on a spiritual plane. Science can’t help you here; you need a priest or shaman of some sort. Someone who is trained in and conversant with matters of the spirit. Be careful who you choose, not just any old sky-pilot will do. Your average Presbyterian reverend or Methodist parson will probably laugh in your face, and if you approach a Baptist preacher he’ll likely accuse you of being possesed of demons or some such thing.
A couple of possibilities…both the Catholic church and the Pentecostalists recognize the possible existance of spirits and demons, and have established procedures for exorcism. I’d recommend the Catholic. Pentecostalists are kind of spooky themselves (hmmm…takes a spook to catch a spook?) and are not very reliable.
If you’re serious about this, my advice would be to consult a Catholic priest. Approach him respectfully and pragmatically and he will treat you accordingly. If he is unable to perform an exorcism himself, he can no doubt direct you to a specialist within the church who can.
SS
This might help: “How To Get Rid of a Ghost.”
Traditionally, what you need to do is simple:
Address the ghost, by name if possible, and by description if not. (“Ghost who is haunting our house.”) Invoke the name of an authority. (“In Jesus’ name.”) I don’t think it matters that you believe in Jesus; presumably it’s for the ghost’s benefit.
Find out what it wants. This can be done with a ouija board, asking for signs, sitting around until you get an impression, paying attention to your dreams for a while after you ask, or what have you.
Doing what it wants. This will lay the ghost, allowing it to complete its buisness and rest in peace. In folk narrative, this is often a treasure it feels guilty about concealing in the walls. You should be so lucky.
Again following tradition, it would be very rare to have more than one spirit haunting a residence, unless you live in a place that it significant to your community or culture (a famous castle or something). There isn’t a really strong tradition of malevolent ghosts; it’s more like an infestation. In other words, they’re not out to harm you any more than cockroaches are, but their presence can cause you problems up to and including death.
The priest-led exorcism mentioned above is kind of a “force-quit” option, the nuclear option for step 1 without steps 2 and 3.
Finally, if your house is haunted by a demon or devil (much less likely in American folk tradition), you don’t want to raise it or interact with it directly.
If we’re not allowed to respond to the OP with factual answers, why do you get free potshots?
Why exorcise the evil spirits? They have to dwell somewhere and it’s this relentless not-in-my-backyard attitude that forces them into isolated enclaves where they can’t get the therapy they need, like sex offenders zoned out of town by overly ambitious (and arguably pointless) restraining orders keeping them 3000 feet from schools and parks and whatnot.
Yeah, ghosts can be very rude with an Ouija board! 
(Monty Python’s Police using magic sketch.)
I know you weren’t serious, but the GQ answer (allowing the premise that such beings exist) is that to exorcise evil spirits neutralizes the harm they do to society. It’s more a parallel to sterilizing and incarcerating a sex offender than to endlessly relocating one.
Potshots??:smack:
Fer cryin’ out loud…it was a (possibly misplaced) attempt at a mildly humorous opening, nothing more. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this particular form of e-communication, it is that one cannot afford to take one’s self too bloody seriously.
SS
And has there been a trial for the evil spirit? Holy shit, you are throwing something that supposedly was human out of its abode, accusing it of terrible crimes, all on the basis of allegations. Where is the due process here? It’s a damn police state.
If you have squatters in your house, you need a court order to remove them, you cannot just go in swinging a baseball bat and cracking heads. If you want to remove these spirits, you should file for an eviction order, and provide them with the opportunity to be represented and present their own side of the story.
If we are “going meta” and also allowing the dubious premise, I realized a long time ago that the universe is so vast that it makes very little sense for ghosts to remain for long in this little pale blue dot of ours.
Also, there are many other possibilities that are ignored, for many Native Americans the soul has two parts, one that does die with the body and another one that continues for a while but eventually fades away.
Problem solved, and without having to resort to exorcists or Ghost-busters that just demand some payment for services that IMHO are not needed.
Actually, since I don’t think any factual answer is possible, and any answers must be speculative, I think this is better suited to IMHO than GQ.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
I’ll start by saying that I don’t claim to know what “ghosts” are or what you mean by the term. I’ll go on to say that I have done several house blessings/cleansings and assisted with one exorcism.
House cleansings are very easy, and you can do it yourself. In my religion, we start with cleansing ourselves, either with a spirtually minded bath or sage smoke (or both.) Then we start on the house with a broom. Sweeping everything very thoroughly, use whatever chant or song or mantra you like to reinforce spiritual cleanliness. I like “This home is safe, this home is clear; negative energy, get outta here!” Some people like the Lord’s Prayer. You can google “house cleansing chants” for ideas and see what resonates with you. Keep sweeping and repeating your chant, and this will get you into a nice light trance space for the next step.
Using sage (bundles are nice for this) or incense or salt or water or scented oil, move to each window and doorway. You can let the smoke waft or sprinkle the salt, water or oil, or you can make a symbol with it that feels protective to you. I use pentacles myself, some people use the sign of the cross, others a spiral. Again, what feels right to you is more important than what the books say. As you do this, imagine a bright white light emanating from your tool and spreading over the window/door. As you progress through the house, feel that light spreading until your entire home is covered with it.
If you find an area of resistance (which might feel literal, like you can’t move your tool, or it might feel like boredom or fatigue), you’ve found a spot which may need a little more effort. Usually repetition does the trick. If it doesn’t, make note of the spot; you may need to call in someone with more experience to help you there.
When you’re done, finish with another mantra, prayer or chant. “Light space, white space, mine to fill with love and joy, so mote it be.” Or the Lord’s Prayer. Or google again for more options.
I’ve done these types of house cleansings for neopagans, for Christians, for atheists and more. It doesn’t seem to matter what people believe or don’t, the ritual actions make them feel better and more in ownership of their space.
If you believe you have a specific entity causing trouble, you can do much the same, focusing on the area where you most feel its presence. Follow Dr. Drake’s steps above. Call it, find out what it wants, see if you can accommodate it. If you can, do so. If you can’t, tell it so. Most of the time it will go away if you communicate honestly the reason you can’t help it. Ghosts (whatever they are) are generally not really focused on scaring people, they’re trying to get assistance. If you can make it believe you can’t help it, it will look for someone who can and leave you alone.
I’m an agnostic neopagan myself. I don’t know what’s true, I just use what works for me and those who request my services.