gifts for kids whose parents you hate

I did manage to make our house a Glitter-Free Zone.

So, fast forward twenty years… the kids are gone, we didn’t even have Christmas… Ahhh…
But what does the Bruh-In-Law send? A glittery xmas card in full shedding mode.

Try Chatimal, the talking hamster that repeats what you say only at a higher pitch, while it bounces slightly. If you get two, and they’re set the right distance apart, you can set up a cycle of them repeating each other. The pitch gets higher and the understandablilty gets lower with each iteration. No, I didn’t give them to anyone.

Jesus. Dude. There’s a personality defect you have that you aren’t telling us about. Why are you so hated?

My sister in law, who is loathed for many valid reasons, once sent all our Christmas presents lovingly wrapped with glitter ribbon. Yes, yes, exactly as awful as it sounds. I don’t normally believe in Satan, but some corporate asshole green lit that shit.

This is what wrecks my house after every gift giving occasion. Not just jars of glitter but objects that are glittered and do not retain the glitter.

A close second is the kid fad toy going around these days - slime! Say goodbye to the carpet.

I don’t know! If someone would just tell me, I’d work on it. I think I’m a generally agreeable, unassuming kind of guy.

When I worked at Target, in the early 1980s, these racecar sets were probably the most commonly returned item, because so many of them were defective. Was yours electric, or manual? These were the former, although IDR if they were specifically Matchbox.

We got one of these.

For the cat.

The look we got when it started talking back to her…

I slept with one eye open for weeks.

Play dough and silly putty. Fart slime. All needs to be outlawed.
The lil’wrekker always asked for Makeup when she was little. Every birthday someone brought her some. Biggest mess maker ever.
She got these glitter-y dress up shoes one time that I swear there is still glitter around the house because of. And those damnable Polly Pockets. Tiniest little vacumn killers ever.
Oh, and Legos. I know, I know they are a genuinely great toy. Until one night you step on one in the hall.

Is this an updated version of the Furby?

I’ve never actually met a Furby, but it looks like they were more complicated. The hamsters do not learn, they just echo.

I guess I’m an old fart because no one has mentioned the Lite Brite toy. From I’m thinking the 70’s? Perfect gift for kids who’s parents you hate , particularly if they have shag carpet. Hundreds of little cylindrical pieces of colored plastic that quickly become lost in the carpet, ready to be found by the first un-shod foot to wander by.

Litebrite is still around. Those little bulbs go everywhere.
A few days ago I found the X scrabble piece on the floor in my pantry. Can’t imagine how it got there. I have a scrabble game somewhere. Haven’t had a hand on it in a couple of years.

Can’t possibly compare to stepping on a Lego barefoot. Those corners are sharp.

My mom used to send my son an Easter basket every year, stuffed with that obnoxious Easter grass. I would find strands of it around the house for weeks afterwards. Each year I tried to dispose of the basket and grass within minutes after it was opened, but I swear that stuff is alive and crawls around on its own.

Can’t say that I’ve experienced this first-hand, but I’m pleased to offer suggestions for potential future gift-givers. The link is a composite of ads which merits special attention by all those in the market for such things.

First we have a Genuine Metal Harmonica (“only $1.69”) along with Hoppy’s New Method for playing it (“most people say Hoppy’s New Method alone is worth the cost”). A Genuine Metal Harmonica may not sound particularly lethal compared to the OP’s vuvuzela, but try to imagine it in the hands of a five- or seven-year-old.

Next, from the same set of offers, you could get the little urchin an accordion, suitable for when he tires of the Genuine Metal Harmonica, or the vuvuzela, as the case may be. The price is not specified but this Amazing Offer provides accordions to the offspring of hated parents at half price, under E-Z Terms.

But these are just leading up to the main events. Next up, the Harmobell. This is a harmonica with two bells on it. It’s not clear whether this one is “Genuine” or “Metal”, but the ad guarantees that it will make its owner “the life of the party”. The Harmobell is sure to be a hit with any five-year-old, plus, his dad can borrow it for parties, because nothing (except possibly the gahoon) makes women swoon with desire like the sound of a harmonica with two bells on it (the effect is said to be even more dramatic when played according to Hoppy’s New Method).

And finally, the grand event, the pièce de résistance (literally, “the piece of resistance”): the venerable gahoon. To say that the gahoon is “a sensation at parties” – as indeed this ad does – is a fantastic understatement, as the gahoon is, party-wise, so sensational that medical experts recommend exposure in short doses of no more than five minutes. It’s a tiny flexible pipe with a mouthpiece which, when you blow into it, makes annoying squeaky sounds like a kazoo, only much more comical and aggravating. Those with a serious interest can find demos of the gahoon on YouTube. Unfortunately, it appears that this musical sensation was only available via 1940s comic book ads and has inexplicably fallen out of favor, but if you can find one, I’m sure that kids and parents alike will be practically speechless with delight.

But if you can’t find a gahoon or harmonica with two bells on it for that special someone, don’t fret. It’s not even necessary to buy the little angel a musical instrument at all. You can buy him snow pants, just as these parents did for their seven-year-old. You may not consider snow pants as a Christmas present to be particularly annoying, but you’re not seven years old. Upon unwrapping the snow pants on Christmas morning, this child called 911 to express his extreme dissatisfaction with the situation. At this point the police are indicating that no charges will be filed, although all things considered, the parents might be wishing they had got him a gahoon instead.

Or how about those gifts that require you to be outside on Christmas morning at about 7am, freezing your ass off. Bikes, sleds and the like.
(Look, Ma no hands)

Furbys originally had their day in the late 1990s, and have made a minor comeback in recent years.

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Brilliant post, wolfpup! I did literally LOL at it.

And it reminds me that one year my mother did give my son a harmonica. Not one with bells, though.

My God. They hate me, don’t they? My family. They hate me.

We had an old Furby when the lil’wrekker was about 2. Her older sibs loved chasing her around the house with it. Freaked her right out, it did. Caused hours of chaos and tears. I finally disappeared it. He was never missed by so few.

This thread gave me an idea. My brother was mean to me when we were kids. My nephew always wanted a cuddly pet. I know just what to get him for his birthday.