Hate to have to bring this up but there is a surprisingly limited amount of information online about the situation ive been drawn into.
So heres the story: Ive been seeing my girlfriend lets call her Lexi 24y/o f, and I myself am a 27y/o m for just about a year now. Last night we got into a argument around 12:00am about a topic we were tense about all day. Please do not judge but we were staying in a lower / middle range motel that we stay at pretty often and are both addicted to opiates even though thats pretty irrelevant in my personal opinion.
She has been raped twice that i know of in the past , one of the attackers was prosecuted and convicted, im unsure about the other.
Weve argued before about her being out alone late night as there are some weirdos in the area and she has a habit of taking flight instead of talking out any issues, shes also cheated on me before and told other minor lies that diminished my level of trust but still i feel like i should give her the benefit of the doubt and provide her with as much comfort as possible for i could not begin to imagine the aftermath a rape could have on someone.
So after she walked out the door i could hear her chatting with a couple males one or two rooms down, sounded as if there may of been a female also. Could vaguely hear their voices and couldnt make out any of the conversation.
I know most people will think i should of interfered right then but understand i was pissed at this point because i just got done telling her how much that bothers me to be walked out on. Im not abusive or irrational and rarely yell. Im pretty easy to talk to so that really is insulting to me.
After about ten minutes the voices leave and i hear a door close, not sure if she went inside also or ventured elsewhere but again out of my frustration blew it off.
45 Minutes later im really frustrated and decide to walk to the store and see if i bump into her along the way. About ten feet out the door i see her walking towards me from the other side of the street (appeared to of maybe just started walking towards me when i came outside and may of been sitting for a few minutes). She was distraught in tears, pants were buttoned (jeans) but i could see her panties hanging out from the top still worn but ripped on one side, her shirt was also ripped , and the only thing i could maybe consider to be a sign of struggle other then the clothing tears was a small amount of blood on her face (easily.could of been self inflicted from a pimple or something). And another thing to consider is she is into some pretty rough sex (as am I so was already experienced and happy to accomodate) retraints, spanking, choking, bdsm type stuff which i know can be common in victims of previous sexual assaults so end up defending her in that field also
Im freaking out asking what happened and where he was , which way did he go? She proceeds back into the room without any response to lay in bed while i ran around the nearby streets looking for anyone suspicious or any witnesses, its a pretty busy street in a mid size city and even being late theres still a handful of people on foot and a little vehicle traffic. Had no luck…and figures mysellf being in a motel across the streetf or SOMEONE would hear or notice had this happened somewhere public which may or may not be true as she still has remained silent about it and i dont want to make her feel like i think shes lying or think its her own fault.
When i got back from checking around outside she was still in bed and proceeded to the shower without making any police or hospital contact (even though she contacted authorities in the past).
Is there any tell tale signs i should be looking for, non invasive questions i should ask to help me determine the truth and comfort her should this be the real deal? This is the last straw for me if it ends up being bullshit just want to make the right choice. And get some unbiased opinions.
I know its a long thread so if you managed to read through and better yet can shed some light then thanks in advance!
Its my first time stumbling upon this forum so hope i didnt break any rules or post in the wrong board.
Presuming that your request for help is based on real life, you will not find the help you’re looking for online. You would do well to get some therapy and/or a relationship based on trust rather than the mutual use of addictive substances.
Thread prediction: everyone tells OP to keep his dick out of the crazy, he will not listen… sunrise, sunset.
My question to you is, does it matter? You’ve listed out a lot of issues with your relationship, including that she’s cheated on you, you both are addicted to opiates, and you even said that if this is a lie that it’s the last straw. So even if she is being completely honest, the fact that you would question someone about something so serious shows that there’s very serious trust issues in your relationship.
My advice, assume for her sake that it’s true in the very short term and encourage her to contact the authorities, and if she doesn’t want your help, don’t force it. Either way, move on. Both of you need help, both in getting over your addiction, and in that it sounds like your relationship is just making matters worse.
I wouldn’t go by any of the type of logic you seem to be using - such as she didn’t call the police -or go to the hospital, but she did before - therefore she might be lying.
Her lying on the bed and not responding much seems fairly in keeping with what I know (which is not a whole lot). That wouldn’t be suspicious to me at all.
Even if there is only a 1% chance that she is telling the truth - I’d stick by her. You said she has told “minor” lies in the past. Hey - I’ve been friends with opiate addicts that live in motels - and I think “minor” is pretty good. Lots of people get cheated on - that really doesn’t mean much.
If you act suspicious and she was raped - that will be pretty awful for her. If you act supportive - what have you lost? I’d chose your battles - it sounds like you have plenty of reasons to probably leave her, but don’t make this one of them.
It seems like you might be leaving something out. Are you saying the stuff you mentioned - like her cheating on you, what you noticed afterwards, her clothing - is why you are suspicious? I mean this would not be a “minor” lie. If you’ve been with her for a year - I think you would have picked up on a more serious lie.
Don’t think every woman fights back real hard - or should have to.
Don’t think every woman will be hysterical afterwards.
Try to encourage her to go to the police, but do it in order to get her help and finding the person that did it - NOT so the police are your investigator to find out if she is lying.
Give her the hotline number. You read “What to do if someone you love has been raped.”
There are no tell-tale signs because everyone handles this differently. You shouldn’t be asking a bunch of questions to determine if she’s telling the truth. You’re either going to be supportive or you’re not and if not, then do her a big favor and break up with her right fucking now.
I was a volunteer rape crisis counselor for seven years - the person who “held the hand” of survivors through the whole rape kit experience in the hospital ER and made sure the survivor had a safe place to go, clothing, after care, counseling resources and whatever else they needed. For sure, the range of responses was huge.
That said, since the woman in question was a: doing drugs (in a motel) and b: took a shower (destroying most of the potential evidence) she would probably not have a prosecutable case.
The bottom line is, there is no way for you to know if she was lying. FWIW, in seven years of doing this 1-4 times per month, there was only one time I suspected someone of lying, but I did my job anyway.
She’s clearly messed up, either way. And so are you. You know you both need to quit the drugs, right? Get help for that when you can. If you care for this woman, support her as best you can. When in doubt, always do the right thing.
What you’ve got there is Schrodinger’s girlfriend. Until some miracle occurs to allow you to know the truth, she has both been raped, and not been raped.
So what can we say about both states?
She needs counseling, whether because she was raped or because she felt the need to lie about being raped.
Your relationship is in such a poor state that you actually seriously doubt whether she was raped or not.
Her past behavior (or your past experience) in some way leads you to suspect that she might lie about such a thing.
Your emotional health is such that you would consider this an acceptable state of affairs.
As stated above, all of these point to a need for counseling on both your parts. Given your additional admission of opiate addiction, full time rehab would be the best thing that could possibly happen to each of you.
On a more subjective note: It’s been my experience that addicts who are interested in improving their lives are far, far less likely to succeed while they are clinging to another addict. Both get healthier and happier faster if they split up until each has at least a year clean, and then consider whether a relationship is still what they want.
It actually IS relevant because by doing drugs you are associating with shady people and the likelihood for any type of assault of either one of you goes up because of that.
Also, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but get clean and sober. There are number of regular posters here who have kicked drug habits and dealt with their addictions who can give you better advice than I can if you want to ask for it, or for help with your drug problem. You can also PM them if you don’t want to get public about it.
I’m not sure why you bring this up… what does being raped in the past have to do with whether or not she’s been raped in this particular instance?
OK, several points here:
as drug addicts, the two of you count as “weirdos” to many people so yeah, I absolutely believe there are “weirdos” in the area.
flight from problems as opposed to dealing with problems is not a good personality trait. But then, if she was good at dealing with problems straight on maybe she wouldn’t be doing drugs so I’m not surprised.
she’s cheated on you? Have you cheated on her? Do you want to continue a relationship with someone you can’t trust NOT to cheat?
serious question: is this cheating linked in any way to prostitution, either for money or drugs?
of course she lies, she’s a drug addict. Addicts/alcoholics ALWAYS lie, they lie often, and sometimes they even believe their own lies. This is not going to change until she’s off the drugs.
same applies to you - if you’re an addict you lie and you’re not trustworthy. Yet another reason to get cleaned up. It’s not because you are (presumably) doing illegal drugs, people abusing legal drugs have the same exact problem.
you are in a relationship with someone who has been raped at least twice in the past and you say you have no idea what sort of aftermath rape causes? Have you been paying attention to her at all? Here’s a couple hints: both drug addiction and the tendency to run away rather than risk confrontation with a man can both be aftermath of rape or aggravated by rape.
Were there raised voices? Yelling? Any hint of coercion? If not, why would you “interfere”?
Here we go again - what are you hinting at? That she had sex with a total stranger to somehow get back at you? She’s hooking? She was raped? She went elsewhere and the other people went back into their room? What?
You wouldn’t be bringing this up if you weren’t thinking it was relevant somehow.
Seriously, dude? She is displaying torn underwear, torn shirt, and has blood on her face and your first thought is maybe she popped a zit?!?! SERIOUSLY??? WTF?
Again - you say you don’t know about rape aftermath but you also say “rough sex” is common in victims? I agree, you’re ignorant about the aftermath but not in the way you seem to think.
As for the BDSM stuff - what are you implying? She had “rough sex” with a total stranger just for the laugh of it? That somehow her liking for rough sex means she wasn’t raped? WTF are you smoki— nevermind.
Here’s a thought - maybe your girlfriend wasn’t raped, she was turning a trick for drugs or money or both. Maybe it got rougher than she anticipated but hey, that’s an occupational risk of whores. She didn’t say anything to you because she didn’t want you beating up a customer or getting him arrested.
Or maybe she WAS actually raped and just in shock, and you running around upset scared her, or made her think you were running out on her, or… well, Og knows what she was thinking, we only have your side of the story here and sorry, if you’re an active addict I don’t consider you the most reliable witness.
ONE: why the hell do you think rape has to be noisy? If someone held a gun to her head and said “if you make a sound I’ll blow your brains out” do you think she’d try to make noise or try to keep quiet?
Rape doesn’t have to take very long, and it doesn’t have to be noisy.
And how freaking generous you were to STFU and make sure you don’t think she’s lying (though obviously you suspect she is or you wouldn’t be making this point) or that it’s her fault (which is true, rape is not the victim’s fault any more than being mugged is the victim’s fault or having your credit card information stolen is your fault).
Here we go - you are ASSUMING stuff about post-rape victims when you’ve said you know jack about it. Which is it?
It is VERY common for rape victims to want to immediately shower because they feel dirty and violated. How would YOU feel with some criminal’s semen in YOUR bodily orifices? Pretty horrible thought, isn’t it? Maybe makes you want to scrub your entire body just thinking about it?
If the rapist used a condom there may not be much evidence to be lost.
“Honey, you’ve got torn clothes and blood on your face and I’m worried something happened to you. Did you just get raped? Because if you did I’m here for you, to take to make a police report or just hold you or whatever you need.”
Sometimes being direct works best. Note the way it’s phrased - you list why you’re worried, ask the question, then let HER decide what to do.
Here’s my opinion:
Making the right choice in your case is getting the hell off drugs. Yes, I KNOW that’s incredibly hard but it really is your best choice overall for everything.
Don’t hang out with crazy. I mean, if she wants help then help her, but only if she’s serious about help. You can’t fix other people, you can only help change people who want to change.
Naw, you’re OK with the post location. It’s kind of personal for a first post and you’ll find people can be pretty blunt here but that’s honesty for you.
It sounds to me like either your girlfriend was raped OR she was turning a trick that got rough or maybe both - prostitutes can be raped after all. There’s a difference between “sex for money/drugs” which is arguably a voluntary transaction and “taking sex against someone’s will”. Even if she is a prostitute if she IS raped it’s just as bad as if a non-prostitute was raped. Finally, if she is turning tricks you need to find that out. If no, well, she’s obviously a girl who gets into trouble and it’s your choice whether to stay with her or not. If she is a whore you then have to choose whether to still be her boyfriend or not. Prostitution to one extent or another is VERY common with women who are addicts, not all of them do it but it wouldn’t surprise me if a woman addict admits to such a thing either occasional or as a regular thing.
Let me repeat one important thing: EVEN IF SHE IS TURNING TRICKS THAT DOESN’T ELIMINATE RAPE AS A POSSIBILITY. If she is turning tricks that may make her fearful to either go to the police or get medical care for injuries from a rape, which is effing tragic. Especially the fear of getting medical treatment. If she was raped then checking for STD’s and/or emergency contraception should be options a woman can access without condemnation.
Note to my fellow posters: yeah, yeah, he probably won’t get clean, etc. but I also point for the benefit of others who might be reading this who may benefit from it somehow.